Sunday, November 6, 2005

you left me high and dry....
so.. im all bruised and sore and bloody... and when I woke up this morning.. mom left for california... i dont know when she'll be back... i kind of dont care.. shes got to do what she needs to.. no matter how long it takes... and well... i knew this would happen.. i tried to tell him.. but he didnt really seem to care at all... so... to him.. fuck you.. i knew this would happen.. and you left me... so fuck you.. i hope you're happy.... someday.. you'll get your's too.. we all do... and your's will come soon... and it will not be easy.. it will be painful... and you'll see how much i've suffered.. finally you'll understand why i had to do the things i did... finally you'll understand thats why i couldnt stay then... and then you'll see why i need you now more than ever...
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Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Oo, how I miss those days
the things that once were
they were so sweet
I miss those days
but now is the time to make new memories
not of you and me
but here and now

I'm going back to England
I wish i could call it home, to me, anywhere but here is home.
I'll be gone the first week of December. Hopefully I'll take millions of pictures and buy as much candy as I possibly can. You can get the best candy there :p and... hopefully some rugby stuff... Liz wants me to play this year.. so I'm going to learn about it and all that stuff while I'm there. I've got to buy some tea too ^_^, loose tea. and.... I don't know... but I am definately going on teh london eye... and going to teh london dungeons.. oo0o00o0o yes.. muahahaha... then.. I hope to explore the town we're staying in for atleast a day on my own... rainy cold days in england during december rock... i love cold rainy days... wandering around ... in a city im not familiar with...
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Sunday, October 30, 2005

whoa,... that was fun.... but my ass is so grounded.. im so much trouble.. i knew i would be... it was kind of worth it though....i dont know what they will do to me tomorrow.. but o well.... most fun ive had in months,... because for the past few months.. just about everyday sucks....
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Thursday, October 27, 2005

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so today my mom started yelling at me and shit cuz the dog puked of something stupid like that... and she was like what the hells wrong with you you fucking idiot and i was like.. you can go fuck yourself... dont you ever say that shit to me.. i dont say it to you... and shes all pissy with me cuz THE FUCKING DOG.. puked I DONT HAVE CONTROL OVER THE FUCKING DOG"S INTESTINAL TRACT .. Ok??!?!?! so.. i just left ... and they came looking for me and asked me if i wanted to go to dinner.. im like no.. i dont.... they leave... and i just wish i could sleep or something... im so tired.. of everything... i dont see how they can be so damn hypocritical and still have their holier than thou attitude.. just because you are hella older doesnt mean you are any smarter, wiser. or better.. it just means you are extremely ignorant because you havent been able to learn from your mistakes... that you made... 20 years agoo..when you pulled this same shit.. and we all know what happened then.. raising me has been a fucking walk in the park .. i am nothing compared to her..... i've made it soo easy for you.... so dont even think this is difficult.. and dont screw up again..
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Sunday, October 23, 2005

you were everything to me
and i always believed you when you said you'd never let go
i know that time has gone by
and im supposed to let go
you've moved on and im left living in the past
but i can't help but stay there
everyone around me is finding love
realizing things for the very first time i always had with you
i know i should be happy for them
but i cant help but think about those memories
i cannot help but know that you brought me happiness
everyday i wake up i think maybe just maybe he'll come back to me
but i know you wont..
because time has gone and im supposed to move on
so were just 15 and we've got so much more to do
but that doesnt mean i can just stop loving you
i know you loved me at one point in time
i can't talk to you anymore
not becuase i hate you, but because i know that when i'm done..
i'll want to just hug you and never let go
those times we had together were the best
i miss them so much
i miss your touch
your soft lips
your voice in my ear
every time you held me near
everything.. about you..
i can't help but remember.
i love you so god damn much its killing me
i knew it would
i knew this would all happen
but sometimes you've just got to sit back and let it all happen
sometimes you've just got to let it all go
and i miss you so much more than i should
i wish you'd come back to me.. but you never will
i know it will never happen.. but just remember there was once a time when we loved eachother more than anything in the world.. we would die for eachother.. remember that.... remember that love.... never forget me.... because i can never forget you....
letting go of the one you love is so hard when you know that they once loved you too.....

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

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i picked a dead flower just for you
in hopes that you might return
tears of blackness stain this house
as i wait for eternity
not a knock on my window
a knock that will never be
the candle has burned down, and gone out
smoke rising soft and graceful
bringing back so many memories
of you and me
and everything that tortures me
why you just return to me
becuase im waiting for you, sadly
i just want peace
i cant get that without you
standing here alone
i've become accustomed to this silence
and this lonliness
everyday, another smile
cringing with every painful second of your cold heart bearing down on me
i knew this would happen
i just hoped it never would
living in the past, is so nice
but a reality shock...
when life greets me, with its cruelty every morning
waking up to the garden of my unfinished soul
walking away in apathy
because i can't be there.. too long
something will remind me, so i sit
and i learn, and pray for strength
to make me strong enought to get through this...


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Thursday, October 13, 2005

im so far from everywhere i want to be
so fucking lost.. as i knew i would be
i just need some sleep.. a break
i might go to london for christmas.. or right before christmas.. we went in the spring a few years back, i absolutely loved it.. i can't wait till they tell me if im going for sure or not.... traveling is my thing.... getting away from here is so nice.. even going to santa fe is so nice.. because i wont be here..
today was kewl got to hang out... twas fun.. got sdme exciting pics of me and my friends.. im behind in photo :'( sadness.. thats the only class i like.. and im behind.... damn.. o well.. atleast im acing chem.... blargh.. that class is so boring.... blarggghhhhhh ^____________^ sleepy time..... peeeaaaacee ouuuut .....im such a conformist loser ^_^_^_^_^_^_^ hahahaha
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Sunday, October 9, 2005

i wish you wouldn't have made it so hard to live like this.. fuck the past.... and the future.. becuz all i've got is now.. cant look back.. cant look ahead... becuz i just might die
tonight i think.. it would be so easy to like you
so easy to be nice
but its so hard to not hate
thats the only way i can exhist
sadly.. just for me..
i don't want to hate anybody
but you've made me
smile.. go on...
false hope in the hopeless place
new york.. is where i need to be
all alone... but surrounded by humanity
certain silence... in the center of times square
unnerving calm in the east village..
wandering around midtown..
sleeping with my memories to guide me
i hate to think of you.. but i cannot help..
when your everywhere
it makes things so much harder
but 2 more years
and ill be leaving..
to a place far away from here
find my fame and fortune
remember you.. and how much better off i am without you
memories of the past wont haunt me.. but trick me.. and show me ... how much better off i am without all of you... right now.. i know i can do better
i've just got to get away..
far away..
we all do
got to live...
somewhere else...
see something new
and find a reason to live..
get away ..
go away
from here...
i'll be gone by 8 in the morning 2 years from now..
on a plane.. on my way.. in the race of life
to make mine...
and i wont see you there...

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