Saturday, October 8, 2005

had plan. i knew how everything was gonna be.. i knew i would make it thru...
beautiful fog transcends across the street as i drive home at midnight.. lights are so bright... sky so beautiful.. smoke in the air reminds me of home.. and everything that was good... forgetting i did that.. remembering the past... i miss all those friends i left behind.. for what? ... that.. is it... driving in the night slowly recalling the things that this street brings back to me... on last time.. i guess i'll go.. i tried.. it was fun.. thanks for a great time... apapthy is so nice when things feel so hopeless... lethargy is so easy when no one else cares.. so sleep my friend... i'll see you again.. another day.. some other time.... sleep thru this now.. i know you can.. make it thru.. we have before.. when i was there... but i can't .. sleep now my friend in the morning i'll be there...
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Tuesday, October 4, 2005

i didn't hate you
until you made me
i had no choice in the matter
this is hate fabricated by your sick dreams
so don't smile and laugh around me
don't expect me to be happy
when i hate you so
you made me hate you so
expect nothing more and nothing less
than this purely passionate hatred
i loved you with such passion before
so expect my hatred to be equally as passionate
expect it's relentless presence
you are happy now, but later on
you will suffer from this
that i know
that i can see
that much in you
you will fall back down to the ground
right where i found you
and lifted you up upon my shoulders
i brought you here
i built you up to where you are
and your ungratitude will get you
when im waiting
karma is always waiting
and so am i
you will fall without those that helped you
i took the time to do what no one else did
perhaps you haven't realized, but you wouldn't be what you are wihtout me
think about that
the end.. has begun.. you just don't realize it
isn't bliss wonderful... for you...
because i am fully aware as to what is happenening..
everything is clear..
you are lost ... looking found
confidence that i gave you
will run out soon enough
and i cannot wait, till you get
what you deserve
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Sunday, October 2, 2005

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

things...
yea.. things just seem to get shittier and shittier.. by the day.. and im so sick of it... everything is chaotic i cant keep up with it all.. i can just think about it... and stay frozen...
and im waiting for 2 phone calls... i wish they'd call.. making me insane.. i need to talk to them... >.< ive been going insane lately.. so @_@ i need help!! dammit!! grr... its exactly how i knew it would be.. becuz its me.. and yet again i have NO control over anything in my life at all..... someone else is always calling the shots and im just along for the long painful torturous ride... yet again... o00o.. how i miss the old days.. the good times.. the good friends.. the nice people.. everyone i could ever trust has wither moved away.. or hates me and wont talk to me.. my friends here.. suck.. they dont give a shit about enything and they barely even talk to me.... and i was gone this weekend,,, no one knows why.. and i dont think anyone wants to..
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

yea, screw homework
so.. im bored.. im not as depressed as i was before.. i've got my music fix for teh week.. um yea, so last night around 11 or something i go downstirs and my mom was like.. do u wanna go somewhere.. and im like sure.. i drive to smiths and buy food.. we didnt have anything.. and then i wake up this morning and dads gone again.. be bak in a few days or something i dunno.. so im always tired during the day.. and sleepless at night.. ah.. paradoxes.. god damn... im getting sick of the forum snobs and all of that shit... Atreu.. owns.. all .. of your mothers... and.. theres a black widow in my room i am yet to catch.. i dont care if i do.. then i wont have to go to school due to a poisoning from a spider.. hell yeah.. heh that'd be cool.. srry. i cant go to school.. i almost died becuz of a damn spider.. soo yeaaahhh.. me and the boy are not really talking anymore.. and well thats pretty depressing to think about.. becuz it brings up all the reasons why we aren't .. but that doesnt matter .. cuz all that shit happened.. can't change it.. gotta live with it.. everything happens for some reason or another.. i just can't wait to fins out what the reason is for all of this..
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Sunday, September 18, 2005

so its like fucking 2 am, and theyre gone again, no one will talk to me becuz they are mad at me for some reason, my best friend just walked away last night.. running away from all of our problems he just turned around and walked away, and i just stood there watching, frozen and walking in the opposite direction trying to find out why.. he wont answer his phone... my other friend is a dumbass and wont talk to me for even stupider reasons. so i find myself alone a lot.... with a lot of homework, yet even more apathy... fuck this im so tired of everything, i just want to fall asleep forever, and ne er wake up again..... to pull that knife out of my chest again... the knife i pull out everyday when i wake .... the blood spills and maybe today is the day that you will kill my spirit for good... so just walk away and let me die... wasting away.. fading fast sunlight comes to touch my face, but my body is already cold like my heart... shattered on the floor.. pieces scattered in your hair.... drifting up and up.. i cant concentrate on anyone or anything.... nothing makes sense... i cant remember anything.. i just want to sleep.. but only if i never wake up again......
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Saturday, September 10, 2005

social suicide... is no way to die
I wish I could just go back, I wish it could just end... the things I see now, the things I hear, the voices..... The people.... The lonliness..... things.. shattered in my hands... and now they're bloody.... from the wound you made.. with your weapon of hate... sitting here... hollow as can be... i wish it didnt happen to me... we're all gonna see it... if we havent already..... we're all gonna feel it... if it didnt hit us already.... the darkest times.. bring the brightest brilliance of the mind... its nice to think clearly..... without the distraction of lust... its nice to be by myself... as god intended.... born alone... going to be out on my own.... people arent my necessity... they are a distraction.... that will only kill me if I acknowledge it... some things are meant to be known.... we dont say them outright.. becuase you shuold find out for yourself.. becuase somethings just need to be known... what happened that night.. no one will know... what i can say... no one will ever know..... becuase I didnt kill myself over a boy, I didnt kill myself because of a boy... its the boy that killed me
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Thursday, September 8, 2005

what's keeping me here mystifies me.... but i guess i will stay.. i have a lot of planning to do anyways
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Monday, September 5, 2005

effects of the dream
it all started with just a dream.... about a week ago.... it seemed so ordinary, but what happened.... so..... different... just a dream... has given me.. all of these sleepless nights... and strange things have been happening... i hear things falling, but nothing fell... i heard wings flapping around and a loud thump.. but there was no bird outside the window..... i see lightining through the curtains.. but its yellow.... im not stoned... something weird is going on...... havent gotten sleep.. i usually have a dream where maggots and worms are pouring out of my wall.. i get up to turn on the light.. and it always burns out.... like something is watching me.....
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

it is endless, so i will save myself.... they pulled the knife out, the knife keeping me there. they would just push it deeper and deeper and now the pulled it out. so i will eventually die from loss of blood... it just exploded everywhere.. covered in it, where's the knife? wouldnt you like to know, we'll thyeve finally killed all that was left of me.....
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