Saturday, August 13, 2005

{Warning: The following entry contains a lot of self-hating, negative thoughts, and is very depression-filled. I tend to use blogs as more of a forum for venting how I feel, as opposed to "this is what I did today" type stuff. And this is one of those entries where I say how I feel about life in general right now. If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. If you do read it tho, please comment so I know someone is out there.....}










I quit.

I give up.

It's over.

Why look for that which you can never have?


For the 2 or 3 people that might read this, thanks. But you don't have to anymore. There's no reason to. Depression has once again set in, and I don't think there's a way out this time.

Last time I felt this bad (about 2 weeks ago), it was kinda easy to get out of. There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. But now, I've shunned that light for my own stupid reasons, and I don't think I'll ever find it again....


Why do people fall in love? Why is it so important to some, and meaningless to others. Why have they been able to cope with the fact that they're destined to be lonely forever, and I just can't.

Have you seen the previews for that movie The 40 Year Old Virgin? That'll probably be me in about 15 years. (if i'm even still alive in 15 years, but that's a different story)


Why do I feel so pushed to find love in this world...

That's easy..... My asshole family.....

My parents have been happliy married for 25 years. It'll be 26 next week
My sister has been with her boyfriend for around 4 years, and they're talking marriage and kids and all that.
My other sister has been with her's for over a year now.

Yet me, in 6 years.... I haven't found anything.... Not from lack of trying, but because of who I am. I've tried to help the unfortunte fact that I'm hidious as hell, but nothing helps... Everytime we go out and do something, I'm the 7th wheel... It's always my parents, sis/bf, sis/bf, and me.....

But that's not the reason....

The fact that my parents hang over my head the truth that the family name dies with me...

I am the last male in the bloodline that bears the family name.

A fact my parents remind me of once a week, and other relatives at family functions.

(this is why I hate my family so much, and refuse to go to family functions)


With that kind of pressure over my head... Can you see why now?



But why struggle this much just to please my family? If I hate them so much, why give them the satisfaction of knowing they bother me this much with this topic?

Because I want to prove them wrong.

I would just say fuck em, and not worry myself with finding love... But then I'd be letting everyone else win... The people who say I'm too unstable, crazy, and other harsh words they've said. They believe that noone in their right mind would ever go out with me. I want to prove them wrong as well.


But more than anything...

I want to prove myself wrong.



In all honesty... I've given up hope. I know there's no way I'll ever find someone. But I hope beyond hope that someone out there will see me different, and be the light at the end of the tunnel for me.


People ask me... "Why are you so depressed all the time?" Maybe this will shine a light on the subject for some.


The true answer?

I beat myself up too much, both emotionally, phychologically, and occasionally physically. I've broken my own spirit to the point where I am how I am.



But my last driving force behind this? And you can confirm with Tala if you want.

I may be like this when I'm single... But I am completely different when I'm with someone I love. And I like that person I am when I have someone. I wish I could be him more often, but I can't...


Am I a fool for dumping Tala? I'm starting to think I am... Just because of the things that turned me off, I had to end it. I still care about her, and I'm glad she has a new guy in her life, and I hope she hooks up with him, and wish her and Newbeh the best with things....

But ultimately, I did this to myself....

She's in a better place, and I'm once again at the starting line, waiting to go, and everyone else is near the finish line....



I truely don't know what to do anymore............
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