Sunday, November 13, 2005

I'm in tears over a video game....

And it's not cause Aeris died, or anything like that.


I'm debating whether or not to delete all my content ID's for FFXI.

Everyone knows I have little to no self esteem. When I go full days of looking for a party, and have nothing, it really hurts me. It makes me feel bad about myself...like I'm not wanted....like I'm not needed. I know this is the case about the real world, that's why I escaped to the digital world.... To try to gain some level of acceptance.

I'm a Dragoon. Basically, the worst job in the game. Yet, it's the only thing I'm good at. I've tried other jobs, and I suck at all of them. =/ DRG was the only thing I was any good at, so I stuck with it. I hit level 62 back in July or August. But it took some serious fighting to get it there. I would seriously go DAYS just sitting around, waiting for a party that needed me. And by sitting around, I litterally mean sitting around doing nothing at all. I don't need any extra equipment, I have enough money for what I need to do. I could of gone out and famred and whatnot, but I didn't want to. So I sat around and moped about how worthless I was.

Yesterday was awesome. I got invited to a group that was going Avatar hunting. I told Jessica, and she went with. We got 5 of the 6 avatars yesterday.

But in all honesty... Jessica is a big part of my problem right now.... And what I say STAYS HERE.... Anyone on Fairy is not allowed to say any of this.

I know I'm in love with this girl. I can't try to deny it. I don't know if she realizes it or anything, but yeah.

But basically.... She's more or less been invited to a HNM/Sky/Dynamis LS. All she has to do is get to level 65, and she's in. She managed to talk them in to letting me get in, but I too have to get to 65. And she's been doing a lot of stuff with this group... As I type, she's off getting a rare/ex item with them.

So today, I woke up and went LFP. This was about 11. She got on at 12:30, was in a party by 12:45. I'm still LFP. The party breaks, she leaves to go work on some report for school. I'm still LFP.

6PM rolls around... I'm still LFP. 7 hours, sitting around, doing nothing.....

This isn't a video game anymore....

Video games don't leave you feeling like shit about your life.

I can't do this anymore... I can't just spend days/weeks/months sitting around waiting for a party...

"Oh, well go off and make your own."

I can't deal with the multitude of people, and their massive egos.... I mean, it's enough nearly everyone ont here is an asshole.... I'm the thing they hate the most (a dragoon), so why would they want to join a party of mine anyhow.


Seriously... I'm in tears, because I've finally realized that I've totally wasted the last 2 years of my life....

And I'm gonna lose Jessica because of it.... This girl that's been there for me for the last year and a half.... She's moving on and up, and I'm being left behind.... I can't deal with that.....


I just don't know what to do anymore......
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