Thursday, November 15, 2007

No, I'm still alive... I think...
*checks pulse*

WAAAGH! Nothing! I'm the walking dead! Hep!
wait... > _ > I'm okay... and alive... good

On the origin of Sam (aka - Krusty)

well, its midnight... I'm on MyO... I'm actually writing something... well, I have work tomorrow, so I can't actually go over the origins of me, but I will write a bit about whats happened lately.

Last weekend was something else - really. Have YOU ever found yourself walking around your neighborhood between 3 and 6 am?

No, I wasn't kicked out of my house... I probably needed that 5 mile walk more than anything in the world that night. I'm pretty happy with my current situation, but I'm only having problems with what I see for me in the future... I need to tell the source of all of these feelings and everything so that you can begin to understand - but without my entire life story.

It all began when I started reading "Suzuka" a manga that I would classify as the only one to ever get me to walk five miles at 3 am. It really got to me somehow, I couldn't handle how much I looked at the character and saw myself - how I wished I had been. I didn't have a good experience in school. From 1st grade all the way to high school, I was the one left out of everything. I look back to those days and I see nothing but the troubles I've had because I've let people either walk all over me or because I was so gullible and stupid a kid. It hurt so much to think about, but the only way to see what has to change is to see what you are. I need that change, I need that something extra to get me to more than just okay. I'm always waiting for it, but it never seems to be there. I'm an incomplete person and theres one solution. That solution hasn't been available throughout my school life because I never realized I was in the drivers seat. I never really focused on what my future holds for me through school, and I never had any ambition. It totally screwed my past up. I'm just going to say that I've had the few fleeting moments where I thought, "am I really alive for anyone's benefit?". Those are far behind me now, but the pain is the same. It turns into "Who the hell am I alive for, if not myself?".

Don't worry, I'm not the type of person who will end his life. I'm just putting down my thoughts.

That's exactly it - this path I'm on is not only unpredictable, but kinda boring as well. I need more. I want to be more than just OK.

Depression really sucks when you have it. I'm so glad I'm able to get over the deep end alright (and quickly too). I'm glad I can share this stuff here without feeling awkward. If there are any readers - thank you.

Well, I'll be around - feel free to instant message me - I'm happy to talk about anything ^-^

[Krusty}
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