Sunday, November 27, 2005

   chuck norris has my transformer tape
Disproving the greatest physicists of our time, Chuck Norris proved that he is, in fact, the center of the universe. To avoid suspicion, Chuck Norris now resides in the center of the Sun.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris has caused approximately five hundred thousand dollars worth of damage solely from kicking people out of windows.

When Chuck Norris goes to the beach, he attacks sharks.

Making eye contact with Chuck Norris, unless explicitly requested by him, will result in getting your literally handed to you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. That is, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

To prove that beating cancer is no big deal, Chuck Norris smoked fifteen cartons of cigarettes per day for two years, so he could acquire seven different types of cancer. He then vanquished the illnesses simply by flexing.

Chuck Norris's wife once burned the Thanksgiving turkey. Chuck went into the backyard and came back five minutes later with a live turkey and ate it whole. A few seconds later, he threw it up and it was fully cooked. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and told her to "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot down an airplane by simply pointing at it and saying “Bang.”

Chuck Norris was actually the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of the "beard", which Jesus wore proudly until his dying day. The other Wiseman, jealous of the favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If the priests in the movie "The Exorcist" had just said, "The power of Chuck Norris compels you" instead of "The power of Christ compels you," the movie would only have lasted seconds.

When appearing in court in , Chuck Norris refused to be sworn in with the bible, saying that it meant nothing to him. He was instead sworn in with a DVD copy of “Walker, Texas Ranger”.
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Saturday, November 5, 2005

   Eddie murphy ate my oreos
Well decided to update my shiznit since cathy is sooo cool with her otaku account. But alas Im not otakul33t like her. Ive deleted all my pr0n now so I can download some fan subs. woot!

Im listening to eddie murphy -delerious."herpes you keep that shit forever like luggage." good shit so Ill recomend it to all of you.

and I just realized Im missing my Cowboy bebop set I just looked at my dvd rack and its not there wtf? gotta do some dick tracy work now. hope I find it.


oh check this shit out!
http://www.retrojunk.com/

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Monday, October 31, 2005

   MY dog lobo died
He was old it was his time. Im ok surprised me though.

anyways I helped move a bunch of railroad ties today they were about 1 square foot wide and 16 ft long it was hard work but Id rather do it than the old man. He hurt himself but his back yard is gonna be dope.

My cousin said her 12 yr old friend has a crush on me. no wonder she always wanted to see what I was doing. wierd tho never had a 12 yr old have a crush on me. Oh well I wont try to say anything to embarass her. Ill just remind them thier 12 and Im 23. and they dont know what you cant do that on television is about anyways. they cant tell me who lion-o is or voltron or what robotech is.
but I really do miss jayce and the wheeled warriors. anyways hope who ever reads this says wtf? except for vin diesel I just hope he wont kill me......
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Sunday, October 30, 2005

   There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

Vin Diesel makes onions cry.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel invented radical feminism after being asked what he'd do for a Klondike bar.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel accidently invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.

When Vin Diesel falls off his horse he never gets back on. Why? Because he never falls off his fucking horse.

The Diary of Anne Frank was acutally based on Vin Diesel's life story. Only the ending was different. In real life, Vin kicked the shit out of the Nazis and went on to fight Robo-Hitler in a daring lightsaber battle.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

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