Sunday, January 30, 2005

**one liners i've gotten from random odds and ends*
Advice: what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't.
Architecture: the art of how to waste space. (Phillip Johnson)

Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Baby-sitter: a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts. (Douglas Adams)

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Boredoom: The state at which a person is so incredibly bored, they lack the desire to do anything.

Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo!

Calcium Anthropology: the study of milkmen.

Capitalism: the astounding belief that the most wicked of men will do the most wicked of things for the greatest good of everyone.

Cell-phone: a way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing.

Celebrity: someone who works all his life to be recognized, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Chemistry: Physics without thought.

Mathematics: Physics without purpose.

Coincidence: when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everyone thinks they got the biggest piece.

Computers: working daily to make the human brain obsolete.

Confidence: the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Conservative: a man who believes nothing should be done for the first time.

Conservative: Someone who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation before.

Cuisine: something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have a french cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.

Deja Fu: the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

Democracy: The theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.

Friend: Someone who has the same enemies you have.

Happiness: the agreeable sensation felt while contemplating the misery of others.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.(seriously, it is)

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Illiterate: what you are if you can't read this.

Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names. (no offense intended)

Kiss: A lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

Leet: the art of finding the hardest possible way to say you did something simple.

Linkin Park: What was created when they began putting fake grass into the "Lincoln Logs" boxes.

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

Mass Murder: What happens when Bob discovers Robertology.

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Mortal: a generic pronoun for anyone, invented to solve the 'she/he' issue.

Newbie: gathers honey 80% faster.

Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.

Palidan: Your pal Dan... until he kills you for thinking you're a heretic.

Patriot: a person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Physicist: an atom's way of looking at itself.

Polynesia: memory-loss, in parrots.

Reincarnation: Let's keep trying until we get it right.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Robertology: The study of Bob...

Slinky: yet another failed attempt at perpetual motion.

Snowbank: where you keep your extra snow.

Spontaneous Combustion: A phenomenon induced in pyromaniacs by the camera crews of shows such as 'believe it or not'.

Stupidity: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

Supernatural: how you have to act to get onto an aeroplane unmolested these days.

System of a Down: A system that loses power excessively.

Tech Support: your ISPs way of expressing their hatred towards you.

Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare, nor well done.

Trapezoid: a device for trapping zoids.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

How young can you be and still die of old age?

Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Will your answer to this question be no?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Do we make bombs better or worse?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why is minimalism such a big word?

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back and drop it?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?

Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?


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