Friday, September 17, 2004

   meh....
my mom really pissed me off this morning, she made me think that i was late to school and when I told my dad to hurry he got all pissed at me!
Then last weekend I had to go to a meeting at the zoo for an intership, they told us that if we could, we should bring our parents...my mom got all bitchy and started to complain about having to go...then when I said I would go alone because i didn't want them to go, she said "well it's not like we wanted to waste out time there"
But then my dad was all "no, you know she was just kidding, we'll go with you"
what really pissed me off was that later on, my mom said "I never said I didn't want to go"
GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!!!! honestly i dunno how much longer i can bear to live with her!
i think i might be bipolar...i can be really happy one moment then sad the next.
i talked to my bf, he said he's not mad anymore, but it's only obvious that he's is...
he kept giving one or three worded answers, i really miss him...I even sent him the lyrics to "boys don't cry" by The Cure, cause it goes well with our situation..."I'd say I'm sorry if I knew it would change your mind, but I know this time i went too far"
*sniffle* I miss him!!
but i don't wanna make him sad anymore. He's in a band I remember he dedicated a song to me...but i guess those times are over...
I'm in study lab right now, writting in my notebook.
there are so many ppl in this class that i can't stand and the boys are perverts...actually i hate most ppl in this school...everyone is so fake...they pretend to be friends with someone then later they're talking shit about them. And the teachers are bastards as well, they're always complaining *sigh* but what can i do? no one would listen if i did speak out. they think they're perfect, and if/when you tell them their imperfections, they get angry. Humans are the biggest mistake in evolution...*yawn*
i still have like 20 mins in this class, this class is so useless...nothing to do, just sit and talk. i'm falling asleep right now... I've been up since 5 am...well running outta words, so buh byes for now!

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

   6:26
*eye twicthes*
aaaahhhh!!!! I't too early! grrrrr!!!! *shakes fist at school*
I'm just tired of being...I don't wanna go to school, but i don't wanna stay home either...I don't wanna deal with either. At home I'll only get yelled at for being lazy and useless. At school...there's too many things that piss me off and that i don't wanna deal with, people's attitudes their ignorance.
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Monday, September 13, 2004

   why don't i just die?!
WTF!!!!! Would anyone give me damn if i died?! honestly, all I do is bring problems and sorrow on people. I'm a fucking catalyst...an anathema...I am a fucking leper in my own family. I've argued with my boyfriend at least once a week...I think this time it's over for sure. I hate the fact all I seem to do is hurt people...I don't know what to do anymore. I was so angry at everyone, myself, my boyfriend, my family...I couldn't help it, i cut myself. Then i thought how easy it would be for me to just cut my wrists and end my life. But i couldn't do it. I'm too fucking weak minded. I cried for about an hour...I was just lying on my bed listening to Tool, crying, adn bleeding. i cried the next day too and i though about drowning myself. i think i'm gonna stop going to Gaia, delete my character...i just wanna start all over again...or die.
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Saturday, September 11, 2004

   insanity
*sigh*
I'm so hyper right now!!! I have nothing to do!!!!!!it's too hot to go outside!!!!!!!!!!
I'm listening to A Perfect Circle...*shifty eyes*
i want ice cream....so hungy..........yes hungy, not hungry....
If you are my true friend, i'll call you my fwiend, not friend...
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Friday, September 10, 2004

titleless poem
Hope soared above their heads
leading them high above their captors and the dead,
they were given protection,
they were given justice.

But i came too late. Hope had flown off,
leaving only the innocent behind.

I led them to the Wise Man, but the Wise are not powerful...
so we went our seperate ways.

Soon enough the powerful came
and we were captured,
two Innocents and I.

We were thrown into seperate cages,
but through their window,
Hope flew in
and brought the Innocent out.

Once again I lagged behind.
Hope had left
and this time left nothing behind.

The Powerful closed in on me,
I knew more than them,
yes i knew nothing at all.

All i knew
they twisted and erased,
they created a false truth
using the fear and insanities of the Innocent.

They molded the already sick heads
of Mertyl and Mike
filling them with secrets and lies.

Mertyl and Mike told their stories,
lies in the eyes of the Innocent, the Powerful, and I
but to the rest
they told the truth.

The Powerful had planned it all,
they mixed the truth and evidence,
the truck, the burnt rifle, and the ever changing testimonies,
with their well thought out lies,
filling the gaps,
scarring my name, bruising my innocence into the minds of society.

Guilty i was and am not,
but Guilty I became,
and Guilty I'll remain,
in the eyes of hte powerful and society
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   feh....
*sigh* I'm feeling a little better today...I guess it's cause it's the weekend! yay!I have to go to a meeting at the zoo tho...it's ok though, it'll be fun!
I had two quizes in school today, one for chemistry and one for algebra, they were so easy! how do they expects us to learn if they let us use any notes and the text book?!
I had to write a poem about a court case on a native american, who in my opinion is in jail even though he's innocent...i still need to work on the poem, i'm sure it's dumb though, i am NOT a poet!!! grrrr!!! i can't even do a haiku or one of those where you write a word then figure out words that go into it! but, i kinda like this poem, even though i'm sure it's rather confusing....
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Thursday, September 9, 2004

   why me?!
*sigh* I feel like crap today...seems like i have NOTHING to look forward to. Everytime i walk into school i get all depressed, nothing makes me happy. Lately i've fallen back on some bad habits...
I have a little problem with cutting, ok, a big problem...I'm addicted to it. If i don't cut atleast twice a week, i get all shaky and freak out.... So, today, while i was sitting in a meeting a school, i cut myself...No one saw which is a good thing because most of my friends would have freaked out and started yelling at me...They think i've stopped, but i haven't, i just hide my cuts. I dunno if I should tell them...it would only disappoint them.
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Saturday, August 21, 2004

   what a day...
today...had to have been one of the dumbest days of my life.
I mean, i heard some of the dumbest things ever today!(most of which came from my brother)
First, he said something about how tigers are from Africa...-_-...keep in mind, this is my 23 year old brother...*hides in shame*
Then, he said that location of animals is part of biology, not geography...
But the dumbest thing he did was...*sigh* He was eating ice cream, and it was frozen, he couldn't scoop it out with a regular spoon, so i told him to use the scoopy thing (sorry, can't remember what it's called), but he had a better idea...he took out a knife, and started cutting the ice cream. Yes, he actually cut into it, he made little squares...
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