Monday, October 24, 2005

   i haven't written in a wee while...

So I haven't posted a decent post in a while so I thought why not now? My life has been slightly strange lately.. Not sure what it is.. On another note... I hope you all like the new site appearance. I just had to make it Fatal Frame looking for its debut this November. It’s damatte, which means silently in Japanese. I chose this name because, well, I thought it suited my very nicely. I sit silently, I walk silently, I think silently, I am silent. Silent is I and I am silence. I really don’t talk a lot. A lot of people think I’m a murderer because of it. Otaku is my only escape, my only home. My only dream. If I could I would wrap up in its warmth of loving souls and sow its friendship. Then I would be happy all the time. - I made myself a hoodie! It has a moogle on it, and everyone is like 'I like your hoodie.' I was thinking, mwah ha ha... and yeah... - just like always my brain is skipping rocks in a river. I think that my thoughts don't like each other, because some come in and then they flicker out. I had an idea for a manga yesterday, but to my dismay, I have forgotten. Of course It's always this rapid flow, how could I not expect it? My brain is like a candle, my thoughts are the flame, and the wind that extinguishes it is the world. - If there is a god, then why is this world so corrupt? Yes, (the christian one, anyway) god gave the souls freewill but he should have at least control over something. For every action is a consequence. For this action, we are in pain. So if we are the love of god then why suffer? If everyone is equal then why do we have such idiots who demand white supremacy? If I where to die right now, at this second would I be damned for disbelief, or would god forgive me of my stupidity? There is so many loops and knots, there is no where to began nor end. So I chose fraud. I believe that the goddess of Fate controls are every move and everything has already been laid out. You can follow it or you can create your own, but most of the time Fate smiles her siren grin and makes you think that your creating your own life. When all along it was planned you would be fooled from the start. If you defy Fate, a wormhole begins. Then the world where what would have happened is created. So naturally we have many lives. We are reincarnated several times, trying to fulfill that purpose that our immature fetus implanted into our feeble minds. On the topic of fetus’s, I do think that one’s life is being dreamt as we spend our time in the womb. We dream of our life and the troubles that come with it. We dream about it over and over again, down to the last detail. All the mistakes, all the pain, even the joy. Floating, drifting. At the time we are a fetus we are the smartest of all. We know all, we see all. We hear everything. Encased with the placenta, is our hopes and dreams. Everything we wish to accomplish is in our minds. And then at the second of birth we become the stupidest thing that could have been brought unto this hell. We forget what we dreamt and learn the essentials. Then life begins and we make the same mistakes that we dreamt. - Why does she drink? Why does she scream? Why does it hurt? Can’t she understand, its violent. Its harmful and oh how it hurts, how it hurts. My heart aches with pain, the very arteries creeping tears. ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ she says ‘I love you’ she says. It makes no sense. Why would you hurt someone you love? Do you secretly despise them so much that you would kill them? If you hated them so much, then why bring them to this world. Oh, that’s exactly it. You hate me so much that you wanted me to live in hell instead of dying inside you. I do not regret life, nor would I take my own, for it has given me many joys and suffering. One of my favorite gifts life has given me was the gift of love. I love Kevin with all my heart. I would never take my own life, a life, dead or alive, without him would be no life at all. I couldn’t think of spending time away from him. He is my life, my soul, my heart. Take that away, and I am nothing. Some call it obsession, some call it love. Name it what you be, but to I, it is love. I am so sorry for my thoughts. I had to release them. There is so many more, but I believe I will hold them till next we meet. So I leave with a quote: “The past: our cradle, not our prison; there is danger as well as appeal in its glamour. The past is for inspiration, not imitation, for continuation, not repetition.” -Israel Zangwill -kuronekosama

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