Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Long.
It has been. So much has happened. I'll probably just use this as a journal but I don't care. I'll make a entry every day. Even if it's a short one. Or at least every week. Call it a New Years' Resolution, an early one at least.

And before anyone jumps down my throat, I’m just writing so I don’t brood about things. Most of you know how I get when I brood.

I’m scared. I’m not at home. I’m not with my family, or my friends. I’m not around my little brother, and that is the thing that gets me the most. Yes, I know, College is a time for growing and maturing. And I should be equally missing my family, but he’s my best friend. Seeing that smile every day, talking to him about Pokemon or random shows on television, his stupid comments. I miss it all.

I remember one of the last things I did with him. He and I watched a Monster Hunters marathon on History Channel. It’s the little things like those that make me appreciate him so much more. And I found out that I don’t get to go home for Christmas. And it kills me. I was so looking forward to it. Getting to spend time with my family was one of the things getting me through these quarters.

And Ashlei is dating my ex from ninth grade, Kaleb St. Clair. How fucking disgusting is that? He attempted to get me to move back in with him, and get back together with him. Not only that, but he tried convincing me not to move to Pittsburgh, PA for school – and he told me he’d pay for college if I went to Cowley. All after a couple days after he called me out of the blue of two or three years of not talking. He’s a fucking creeper. He’s going after my little sister, and it’s horrid. Really? Get a damn life, Kaleb. Supposedly, Ashlei messaged him first and she told me that she liked him while I was dating him. She’s an idiot. My mother knows I feel this way. And yet, the only reason why she’s allowing them to date, is because it’s the only way she can really keep Ashlei in line anymore. My little sister needs to get out of this apathetic rebellious stage and realize what’s fucking important in life – her schoolwork, and family. I know I wasn’t the Angel child in my house, but I was told that I wasn’t anywhere near as bad as she was.

And even though I am surrounded by friends, I still feel lonely.

School is school. I like it and hate it. Grades are good. I still don’t know if what I’m doing for college is what I want to do. I still have so much to accomplish, yet, I can’t narrow it down and make my choice. I hate it. This indecision. But Trey’s been there by my side, willing to help in anyway he can.

I’m happy in my relationship with Trey. Yeah, we’ve had a couple of rough bumps, but we’ve worked them out. Yeah, a lot of people have told me it’s a mistake to get back together with him. I’m ignoring it though. I trust him with my life, and I love him. Not only as my boyfriend, but as my best friend and as a brother. The only downsides to when he sleeps over are the fact that I have a twin bed, and the fact that I steal covers. The worst is when I sleep horribly when my bed empties since he has to go home.

He’s been there for me when I’ve broken down and been homesick. Out of my friends, he’s been there always. (Yes, I know there are others who have done this, but I’m referencing him right now.) Even when we’ve fought. I’ve told him this before, but I don’t know if he really understands. Even though I know I don’t act like it sometimes, I love him more than life itself. I’d do anything for him. If it came between my life or his, I’d sacrifice mine so he could live. Yes, I know that for sure. Yeah, we fight, but that’s life. You’ll always do that with people you care for. My tattoo on my back (‘Even if we are destined to join the scrap heap.. we still have to keep fighting.’) is a quote he always told me. He always told me it during my rough times, and he’s been one of my friends who has never turned his back on me when I’ve needed someone most. If I had to choose between him or the Packers, I’d pick him. He’s just.. I don’t know. Just seeing him smiles makes my day. I love him.

Yet, I still feel as if my words aren’t enough.

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