Wednesday, October 31, 2007

   If it's not one thing, it's always another.

Current Time: 6:17 PM Current Mood: Uber-MEGA Depressed Current Song: Ready, Steady GO!! [FMA Opening] There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche --**-- Yup, yup. Changed my theme again. FMA. Hope you all enjoy it-I know I do. XD I've been watching a lot of FMA lately. I think I'm up to episode 12...Not entirely sure. I've been preoccupied. T.T Well, I guess what little good news there is should come first. Sakura is now leaving me alone. Like, REALLY leaving me alone. It's great. No more annoying people! ^-^ Ummm...It's Halloween. That's fun. Truthfully, I completely forgot that today was Halloween. As I said, I've been preoccupied with things. [Warning: Really, Really Long Post Ahead] When I start thinking about them, my head starts spinning...I feel like I can't breathe. Like all of these thoughts are crashing into each other in my head, and I can't figure out anything, can't figure out what it all means. My heart...it hurts. It's not broken, exactly, but it's cracked. Fragmented. It's...weak. Tired of trying so hard, of wanting with all of its strength for something it can't have. Tired of trying. That sounds about right. I have a diary. And I've been writing in it a lot lately. (I usually don't, but then again, my life these days isn't really as normal as I'd like it to be.) Last night, when I was writing (I wanted to come on here and vent, but my parents wouldn't let me) I sort of...almost lost control, I guess you could say. Like, I started writing and I couldn't stop. But, I really like how I wrote it...It portrays my insides right now so perfectly. So here it is: (Btw, if I'm letting you read my journal entries, that's a really huge sign that I trust you guys A LOT. More than you could imagine, I'd bet.) That girl he always talks to in study hall-I hope she knows she's really lucky. I hope she knows that there's someone there, every day, just feet from her, that would give almost anything to be in her place. That person would give anything to see him smile at her like that. And that person also knows that to him, she's just some freshman. She's just some random person in his Spanish class that's kinda ditzy and pretty quiet. But, this girl wishes that someday, he'll find someone that he has the same kind of feelings for as she does for him. She wishes, prays, even, that he'll be happy with whichever girl he decides to fall in love with. She also wishes she could find the same happiness for herself. So...Now you know what's going on. It might sound like a crapload of self-pity, but I seriously don't feel sorry for myself at all. I'm just sorry that I don't have the courage, the heart, or the ability to do anything about it. I know most of you would say "What are you thinking?! Go out there and get what you want!" That's exactly the problem. I can't. And besides, I have no chance with him at all. So what's the point? No guy in their right minds would ever feel that way about me. I'm...well...Me. That about sums it up. Heh...I hear all the trick-or-treaters outside. It's pretty nostalgic. I remember when I'd race through my dinner to jump into my costume and go after free candy, without a care in the world. Running down the street, yelling "Come on, Dad! Hurry up, you're so slow!" I wish things were as simple as they used to be back then. I wish I could go back to the time when I didn't care about stuff like this. When it didn't matter...Caring about someone so much until it felt like your heart would explode. The time when I didn't think about those kinds of things. *sigh* When it never hit you that you might spend your entire life loving someone from a distance. You might spend your entire life...loveless (no pun intended) because of your own lack of courage. Spending your life utterly alone and wondering what someone loving you in that kind of way feels like. Wondering how you'd react if someone (besides your parents) told you that they loved you more than anything. ................ *gasp* O_O Okay, my head's spinning again...I'm gonna shut up now. Way too in-depth. I'm not sure if I'll get to sites...I'll try. Although I doubt my gloomy-ness is gonna cheer anybody up. Avi of the Day:

Comments (7)