Monday, July 5, 2004

my suicide note =D
I hate this world. Nothing good ever comes out of it. What do I have to live for? Relationships?Friends? I have both but its nbothing much. My sanity is tested everyday. What keeps me here? I dont want to go on. My best isnt good enough? People hate my guts and they dont even know me. My friends LIe right to my face.. I gave up cutting but i cant go back now. WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS. What did i do to deserve this. Why cant it be normal for once? Kelly and Brittanyt keep me sane all the time, but they arnt all ways here. What do i have when they armt there? I have nothing to live for. People say my writeing sucks. This is realy the only thing that keeps me from killing myself. I know i have problems. But I try to ignore all of the pain and werid feelings. Its a liepeople say. Hurt me when i cant move. I soon take a whole bunch of pain. It didnt seem like much. Nothign shows on the out side. But it was on the outside. Well who cares. Bubye. e_e i wrote this at a friedns house
Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, July 3, 2004

-.-`
Lol Im out of poems. I could just not be mad or anything or i lost my skills. Lol what skill. owell ill try to update more like a human and not just post on sad poems. Owell ttyl bubye
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, July 2, 2004

ok i guess a pome again.
Day in day out. I sit here and listen to people problesm. But I have to sleep. Sleep is supposed to help you. But your trapped in a dream. It seems like hours. Everything you miss out on from sitting here day in and out colidie into your mind. It wont stop. Everything you want to do and cant do come to. They mingle in the few hours of sleep you get. Everything seems so odd. Nothing is what it seems. Nothing good is happening. A big swirling pool of fear and hate i brewing in your mind. It gets bigger and bigger everyday. Nothing you do can stop it. It soon will take over. Try as you might to slow it down. It works it seems. Then it hits you hard. Getting out helps. But it can only help you so much. The thoughts are still there. People tell you to tell people about it. But people only make it worse. So keep it all locked it. The thoughts soon turn to action. Action you dont want but you cant stop. The actions are drastic. You dont understand why you do them. But its to late. The thoughts have taken of you and you have lost yourself.
Comments (0) | Permalink

ugh a sucky poem
sleep to clam me down. But i hear every sound. I turn music on, but it doesnt stop. The pounding sound keeps comming. I drift off to sleep hopeing it wont help. It only makes it worse. Wake up to Evanescence playing. Just blame the music. Turn it off go back to sleep. The dreams come back. Woken up in fear and cant move. Everything is diffrent. An erie light is shown on the wall. The light has a no source. It just appears on the wall. Its just a bunch of dots but what does it mean? Figure it out for yourself. Stare at it, it only makes it worse. Soon everything is evil. Anything, closeing your eyes doesnt help. The image of it is burned into your mind. Turn on the light. The light is still there. To afiraid to to face it. What does it mean. Fianly asleep and wake up at day break. The light is faint but still there. What does it want, why is it here, why is it me. Did i do something. If i did please tell me. It just sits there never moving, never getting brighter or duller. Its waiting...
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, July 1, 2004

Ok.... i need to write a poem. I know they stop but they stop me from cutting......

Everyone watching me. Why must everyone stare at me. I havent done anything to you. Why must you give me those looks? Is it the black clothes? the braclets? Im just a punk/goth kid in class. Everyone stares at me. I have yet to do anything. Whats so interesting about me. I just sit and read, sleep , and do my work. Pick one me all you want. I could care less what you think. Day after day i go through this. You show nothing but hatred to me. Why is this? Is it becuse I keep to my self and you wanna be my friend? Or is it just a game you and your friends play. I don't see the humor in it. Its not funny yet you laugh. Think of yourself and this happening to you. You can only take so much befor you take a stand. I never take a stand. I just take it all. It doesnt look like I care but I do a little bit. Keep it up for a year or two and you get a nice surpise. It wont be as nice as you may think. It will be crulely funny for me. Yet very painful for you. Look what you got. You just got all the pain i felt but amplifyed and in a diffrent form. Crule isnt it? Look back on what you did. Is it the same?
Comments (1) | Permalink

e_e poem again
Poser
Is there anything called a poser? You are what ever you want. What outher people say dont matter. Everyone is a poser. People just call you a poser so that they. Prep, punk, goth, skater, and a few outher I don't think of right now. What makes you one of these. Is it the way you dress? Is it how you act? Why act like something, be yourself if people dont like you fuck them. There is nothing called a poser. Everyone is one then.

Thank to my best friend Kelly
Comments (0) | Permalink

Nothing I ever do is right. My hardest isnt enough. I put my heart and time into work and people just look and throw it away. Attempt after attemp I make. All have the same afect. No matter how big my thing I do is. Noone will notice. Spending hours on a simple task, made it perfect, just to be ruined in a blink of an eye. If anyone notices it they take all the cerdit. Even when I do things right it doesnt feel like i did. Every thing I do I feel something is left out. I have yet to find out what it is but i hope i find out one day. After people blame you and stuff for not doing your job. Everything seems ok. But they wont stop. Its just words, just small things, but why do they hurt me so? All sanity I have is failing. I will snap soon. I get no breaks from school to home to friends. Its all a big test and im getting about a 10 on it. Blamed for outher peoples actions. Get yelled at becuse mom spilt her drink and she blamed it on me. Its all ok. Just hide the anger. Clean it up and throw the can away. Mom gets on the computer. Now is the best part. Anything wrong, anything she dosent understand means I did something to it. A simple web browers locking up. About 20min of being yelled at. How do I keep up? She cant log off. 2hours of getting yelled at. Me haveing music on the comp and she cant find out. All my music deleted and an hour of yelling. Why must people mess with me? I haven't done anything. All I do is sit at the comp,sing,write poems,and talk to people online. Why is it so amusing to mess with me. Just cus after a bit I will freak out and attempt to maul you? You get your pleasure from my pain. Soon your pleasure will be mine, and your pain will be my pleasure. Seems evil. But its nothing more then what you have done to me. Except this time it wont be with words. This time it will be a knife. With this long and sharp knife it will take all the pain out for a bit. It seems like an easy way out but its the only way out right now. I can't keep up with this world. Its all just moving to fast for me. Noone seems to care. Noone to talk to. All alone in my own mind trying to calm myself down. The more I try, the worse it gets. I'v read up on insane people. I don't know why but I feel as if im going insane. To much for me to handle. Noone cares. If I die they will never know. Nothing seems as bad. Its all in my head. But the voices wont let me forget. The constant head aches. All the asprin I take to block them out. Only way to get rid of them is to feel pain. You could say it was a mask. This mask will kepp me sane. Just a bit longer.....I hope...
Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

poem
The emotional pain you feel all day.
It never seems to go away.
Only one way to change the pain.
The physical pain is soothing yet it leaves marks.
People see the marks and dont let you forget.
It brings back more emotional pain.
Nothing you can do.
All the cutting just made it worse.
Where do you have left to run now?
Your trapped in yourself.
You dont know what to do.
Time just slips by and you dont know what you are doing.
Now its time to cover up the scars.
The scars from taking the easy way out.
It seemed like the best choice back then.
Looking back you notice it was foolish.
Now you will never forget the pain
Comments (1) | Permalink

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Lol I was supposed to go to the mall with DEborah and stuff. She had to clean her pool and she got offline adn she didnt call me so i dditn know she left. So i went to sleep. Then i wake up and she wanted to know where i was lol. I was quite amusing.O.o its been about 13 hours with no sight of kellys IM. I miss her so much all ready. She is probly going insane or something. Lol its like her to do that. I was thinking of posting our last convosation but i dnot know if i sould do it. It makes me seems pethetic even tho i am sorta. I think i may......
PunkyFlutePlayer: oooo un idleness

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from PsychoticChic158: Hey Peoples,
I'm not at my comp because guess what I left for vaca. I'll be back in about 2 weeks. I'll try to get on at the internet cafe' in like Seattle or Vancouver. But mind u I'm not promising anything. Anyway I'll stop babbleing so u can stop reading. So Byede Bye.
Signed,
Babe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PsychoticChic158 returned at 3:42:14 AM.
PunkyFlutePlayer: o_o hi!
PsychoticChic158: hav u gotten any sleep
PunkyFlutePlayer: no
PsychoticChic158: go to bed
PunkyFlutePlayer: i will at 4ish
PunkyFlutePlayer: i stayed up to get my last good bye to u :"(
PsychoticChic158: aw isn't that sweet
PunkyFlutePlayer: yah im going to miss u
PsychoticChic158: I'm going to miss u now h/o real quick mom calls
PunkyFlutePlayer: ok
PsychoticChic158: ok I is back
PunkyFlutePlayer: yay!!
PunkyFlutePlayer: its going to be so werid having noone to talk to online
PsychoticChic158: Ik
PsychoticChic158: it's gonna be weird not sitting by the comp
PunkyFlutePlayer: yah i wonder how will u live
PsychoticChic158: lol
PunkyFlutePlayer: lol i hope u can like ditch everyone and go to internet cafes allday lol
PsychoticChic158: lol my mom wouldn't let me ditch all day but maybe an hr or 2
PunkyFlutePlayer: yay!!
PunkyFlutePlayer: i just hope that i will be there
PunkyFlutePlayer: to talk to u
PsychoticChic158: y where would u be
PunkyFlutePlayer: i duno maby i will get a gf
PunkyFlutePlayer: lol
PsychoticChic158: lol nah ur mine & don't u forget it lol
PunkyFlutePlayer: ok lol
PunkyFlutePlayer: i think probly i would be asleep or i may go over a friends house but i know that is very small
PunkyFlutePlayer: sooooo do u like like me?
PunkyFlutePlayer: @}->--
PsychoticChic158: ah ah ah ah I'm not sure I'm not sure where I stand right now
PunkyFlutePlayer: ok its all good
PsychoticChic158: ook don't get it but ok
PunkyFlutePlayer: lol i duno
PunkyFlutePlayer: im werid
PunkyFlutePlayer: i did get sleep
PunkyFlutePlayer: i woke up around 9pm
PunkyFlutePlayer: i was waiting for u and at 5ish u didnt come back
PunkyFlutePlayer: so i layed down
PunkyFlutePlayer: and i did eat today i have 4garnola bars
PsychoticChic158: lol see u hav to eat & sleep
PsychoticChic158: or u'r useless
PunkyFlutePlayer: yah
PsychoticChic158: well I g2g I'll get back when I can but mom says I hav to shut down my comp so no away message
PsychoticChic158: but I'll try to get on
PunkyFlutePlayer: ok
PunkyFlutePlayer: bye ::muah:: love u and all that stuff <3
PsychoticChic158: byede bye lov ya too & all that stuff *muah & hug & walks away & waves*
PunkyFlutePlayer: bye
PsychoticChic158 signed off at 4:00:31 AM.
Comments (0) | Permalink

O_O
Omg i was just laying down listening to music and for sum reason i just got a vision of my cutting my arm badly with a knife on the ground and i grabed the knife and i was about to do it. I snaped out of it fast after i knew what i was doing. And i like grabed a pillow and i put my head under there and shacked it for a bit. I was so scared. I saw the cut and all and me doing it. It would of killed me it like sliced my arm in half. Im so lucky i was thinking of kelly befor i did it. If i did it, it wouldnt of been pretty and then when kelly sees me i wouldnt be alive anymore. She would kill me. I mean its bad enough when she is here. But when she goes on vaction. If she found out she would kill me. I know she would probly suspect me of doing it. Its just like her to. IF i ended up killing myself she would of done the same. This is going to be a wonderfull day. Im tired as hell i have to make a phone call soon and i have to go to mall with Deborah if she can go.
Comments (0) | Permalink