Thursday, July 1, 2004

Nothing I ever do is right. My hardest isnt enough. I put my heart and time into work and people just look and throw it away. Attempt after attemp I make. All have the same afect. No matter how big my thing I do is. Noone will notice. Spending hours on a simple task, made it perfect, just to be ruined in a blink of an eye. If anyone notices it they take all the cerdit. Even when I do things right it doesnt feel like i did. Every thing I do I feel something is left out. I have yet to find out what it is but i hope i find out one day. After people blame you and stuff for not doing your job. Everything seems ok. But they wont stop. Its just words, just small things, but why do they hurt me so? All sanity I have is failing. I will snap soon. I get no breaks from school to home to friends. Its all a big test and im getting about a 10 on it. Blamed for outher peoples actions. Get yelled at becuse mom spilt her drink and she blamed it on me. Its all ok. Just hide the anger. Clean it up and throw the can away. Mom gets on the computer. Now is the best part. Anything wrong, anything she dosent understand means I did something to it. A simple web browers locking up. About 20min of being yelled at. How do I keep up? She cant log off. 2hours of getting yelled at. Me haveing music on the comp and she cant find out. All my music deleted and an hour of yelling. Why must people mess with me? I haven't done anything. All I do is sit at the comp,sing,write poems,and talk to people online. Why is it so amusing to mess with me. Just cus after a bit I will freak out and attempt to maul you? You get your pleasure from my pain. Soon your pleasure will be mine, and your pain will be my pleasure. Seems evil. But its nothing more then what you have done to me. Except this time it wont be with words. This time it will be a knife. With this long and sharp knife it will take all the pain out for a bit. It seems like an easy way out but its the only way out right now. I can't keep up with this world. Its all just moving to fast for me. Noone seems to care. Noone to talk to. All alone in my own mind trying to calm myself down. The more I try, the worse it gets. I'v read up on insane people. I don't know why but I feel as if im going insane. To much for me to handle. Noone cares. If I die they will never know. Nothing seems as bad. Its all in my head. But the voices wont let me forget. The constant head aches. All the asprin I take to block them out. Only way to get rid of them is to feel pain. You could say it was a mask. This mask will kepp me sane. Just a bit longer.....I hope...
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