Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Eleventy-seventy
Hah. I found out last night that Saturday morning, my uncle was arguing with my aunt about not having controle over the kids. Then he talked about changing the locks next time I leave the house.

.....Obviously so I cant come in.

If he really thought about it, all he would really have to do is lock the front gate, cause he is the only one who has the key to that, plus if he locks the front gate I wont be able to ring the door bell.

The whole entire property is circled with fencing that's taller than me, so I would have to go to the little alleyway to get to the side fence, to try to climb that. Better than the front, cause it has those metal spikes that if you slip up you'll get impaled or worse and I dont have health insurance. *Grins*

*coughs* Already, I have had the feeling for a long while that he doesnt want me to stay. A while ago, he confirmed with his own words directly to me that the only reason that I am staying at his house, have food to eat and a place to sleep is because I am his brother's daughter, and he wants to help his brother.


There's a lot more to this story, but I am way too stressed and worried and trying to think things out properly to be...expresive on a grand scale such as my O. Everything is mumbly jumbly and happening too fast for my taste. Not even counting the fact a lot of things are heading in the wrong direction. 0_o


I can't call the school to find out if I got in till tomorow. *Worries and frets some more* >_<


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Monday, May 16, 2005

The innerworkings of a defective mind
Stuff and stuff! Got my taxes done, and finally got my FASFA done.

I am so relieved. *Sighs and wipes sweatdrop*



I am going to call the school tomorrow, to see if I am accepted or not. *Frets and worries*


My aunt told my uncle about my plans about school, and living on campus and stuff.

He highly prefers that I get married instead of pursuing a career. XD

Ah goodness. Reminds me of all this other stuff I found out recently, just as laughable. Honestly. Ludacris and insane, it is. o_o

Ah. Have to go soon, cause of my curfew stuffs. X_+

Hope to talk to you guys later. =)

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Saturday, May 14, 2005

Would you still, even then? I highly doubt it...
One of the great things about classes was they were a great reason for me to be out of the house. Especially the Friday night one, which is when...stuff happends, to put it mildly.


From what I was told happend yesterday, combined with stuff that happend this morning, I predict more happenings this weekend.


I need to find a way out, for at least this weekend. I dont wanna be near the vicinity when stuff happends.

The pants I just fit into, I threw them in the dirty clothes bin, to get washed. I got them back with a bleach stain on the front. >.<


I feel hurt and sad and angry and confused and antisocial and like I want to hide in a lost place deep inside myself.


This girl came into Biology yesterday and expected everyone around her to give her answers.

Everyone that gave her answers gave them to her because she wouldnt shut up and leave people to their thinking/variouse forms of cheating.


Besides the fact that I was one of the few unfortunate that she wouldnt leave alone, it made me angry that she waltzed in expecting people to give her answers to a final, like we were obligated or that it was garenteed or something.


I am stressed beyond all belief, honestly. How easy it would be, to crash and burn and explode in a brilliant flash of colors and light and sound.


Ah hah.


I think I need some good music.

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Friday, May 13, 2005

Cinaminaminamin
Today is the last final, and then I am done with school.

Not like I’ve said it a million times already, but yeah. =P


The other day, someone I know was trying to describe someone to me. They went on to say “Well, you know how if you were to only see a picture of them, you couldn’t say that the person was all that attractive; they could even be described as ugly. But if you met them in person, there is just something about them that makes them very sexually attractive, enough to make you go wow o_o”

What I’m trying to say is really hard to describe, but do you know what I’m talking about? I’ve been thinking about those kinds of situations lately, and I wonder what it is exactly that makes a person like that have that kind of attraction; what is it about them that shows through? Is it from a part of their character; their personality? The way they carry themselves; their body language? From my experience, a person that has the factor that I’m trying to describe has more attraction than someone with just a pretty face.


The past month or so, food and eating are sticky situations for me. Now it’s just a once a day chore I kinda dislike doing. I’ve been sick the past week or two, so I can rarely ever taste anything unless it is in some sort of extreme (really hot and spicy; really salty) and any small amount of food or heavy drink (Like a milkshake) makes me feel sick and nauseous and stuff. But you know, it is my fault for letting myself slip back into old habits. It’s all about the mentality; physical comes later.

In all honesty, anorexia and/or bulimia are never worth it. There are better ways to go about losing weight. One time I lost 30 pounds when I went through quite a bit of my anorexia/bulimic cycles and when I was caught and finally settled myself to eating normally (I rarely ever ate junk food, and I didn’t have access to McDonalds or stuff) I gained it all back so easily. I hurt myself for nothing. And if I kept going through the cycles, I prolly would have ended up in the hospital for malnutrition and a host of other problems, so yeah. How you lose weight has to be permanent life integration, and obviously, anorexia and bulimia aren’t. Well, I guess they could be seen as permanent integrations, but doing so will cut your life really short and not give you much time to enjoy your thinness, yeah? 0_o

And it’s just hard to get yourself out of. If you let yourself go past a certain point, you can’t do it yourself and then things get really complicated.

There is so much more I could rant about this, but my bio final is near, and I’m sure you’ve heard enough.

Just…something I had to let out. *nods*

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

How to change the meaning of the word fun.
See, once I heard somone describe sex as fun. For quite a while afterwards, I'd be like "Hey, let's go do something ff...something."

Only because everytime I heard or used the word fun, I would be thinking of sex somewhere in my mind. -.-


*Tsks herself*



The other night I found I fit into these really sexi-cute green pants from Old Navy that I didnt fit into about two months ago. I almost cried, but instead I squealed a girly girl squeal of unbelievable happy-ness.

So yeah. =D


Next week I am (supposed to) throw myself into the gym thing. I have no idea why I feel a small sense of dread and whatnot. I mean, I love exausting and really overdoing myself at the gym.

.....




I'm worried about school and money. According to my brother, FASFA doesnt really cover all that much of tuition. But my brother doesnt seem a very good source of very correct information, yeah?


So I dunno. *wrinkles nose*


Engelbert Humperdinck is an old singer that my friend's mom was talking about. Never heard of him, but I do know that his name is really funny to say.

<.<

>.>


Just say it out loud once; you'll know what I'm talking about.


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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Not your average Liger

Don't believe whoever tells you that waiting in long lines for hours at a time gives you character. Discredit them immediately.


Talked to the necessary peoples and stuffs; found that it isnt too late to fill out the FASFA. Excuse me while I scheme and plot a way to get back at my brother for telling me the completely wrong information, sending me into a frenzied panicky state.

...


At least it wasnt intentional. u.u
....hopefully, anyways. *sweatdrops*


Sending stuff, faxing papers. I think they will tell me soon whether I am accepted or not.


Stuff is finally starting to happen. =)

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Monday, May 9, 2005

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Saturday, I finally got my car fixed. New rim, replacement tire, and new front brakes. Paid for it myself. I wonder if my uncle will notice? *sweatdrops*

All that is needed is a new inspection sticker (Very costly, for a sticker. 0_o) and to get some form of insurance. So yeah, got a lot of the car stuffs out of my mind.

I passed the math exit exam.

…..

(Shock/OMG !!111!!1 o.o =O X_+)


*laughs* Honestly, it’s a huge deal for me because it means I passed the whole course, and I didn’t cheat once on the exit test. I passed by my own self. =) It’s a well known fact that there are two or three people in the class that get the good grades that they do because, well, they’re math smart. Everyone else, at least the people around me, blatantly cheat, using calculators or cheat sheets with different math formulas written carefully and minutely, hidden in odd places. (No, don’t ask.) The teacher doesn’t notice any of this, so yeah. I could have cheated easily, but I would have felt funny odd if I did and terrible if I cheated and passed. I would have felt incredibly stupid if I cheated and failed, though. <.<;;

So yeah. I passed because of me. ^_^


The school I applied to, they start classes August 12. I was told that if I was accepted and I am going to live on campus, I have to start moving in either three days or a week prior to first day of class, so I might end up leaving at the end of July-ish. *insert happy giddy girly girl squeal, followed by a brief dance of excitement here*

Oh wait! That brings me to a whole mess of problems.

I officially have no financial aid. I don’t have FASFA because my uncle wouldn’t give me money to get my taxes done, and I need that information. Way back in January, I called and asked my mom if she could give me the information that’s required from her, and she said that she wasn’t going to waste her time on the phone. If I wanted it, I had to either get it from my brother or come all the way over and get it myself. The first time I filled out my FASFA and I asked my mom to help me, she tossed me a one and a half inch thick manila envelope stuffed with tax papers, and told me if I wanted it bad enough, for me to do it myself. How my brother filled his out was he got me to help him, basically meaning that I told him all the answers. So I asked my brother, who lives much closer to mom than I do, on more than one occasion that when he got the information and stuff for FASFA, to please give it to me so I can finish it.

Ha. Imagine my reaction when I find that he did in fact acquire all possible information needed, got his FASFA in and all the while, completely forgot about me. The due date for that was quite a while ago, so I guess that’s out.

I couldn’t put my uncle’s information down, because he makes too much and I highly doubt he’ll give me money towards a school and a decision he is very against. (Staying on campus in an out of state school.) Remember, I'm a girl so it's completely unacceptable for me to live on campus because as a girl I am weak and I'm going to sleep around/drink myself into alcoholism/stray from religion (too late? =X)/other evil immoral things I didn't think of, while boys (like my brother, for example) have complete controle and wouldn't even think about such things.

*shrugs* As some of you guys know, it's how he honestly thinks; how his mind works.

So sometime later I have to call and ask the school when I’ll find out if I am accepted or not, and how much the first semester costs, with no financial aid plus room and board. It’s going to be really hard to pull off, but I think the only way I can go is to take out a student loan. The research I did, recently and a long time ago, shows that I can't get any scholorships unless I'm coming right out of highschool with blazingly amazing grades *cough*mybrother*cough*, have dependants/am pregnant/have kids. I readjusted the goal of my major, which I think is going to make my schooling a big longer. *bites lip*

I know nothing is ever going to be easy, and I never expected anything to be, but I hate how everything seems to have a requirement to be so difficult and tough. I feel like I’m constantly struggling while either creeping forward at an agonizingly painful snail-paced speed or set back quite a bit. And when I tell myself to shut up and suck it up, everyone else has problems, a lot of people that have much worser ones than you, I find it doesn’t help the problem. It just makes me irritable and stuff. =X


Ever find some sense in a theory or idea that’s really incredibly stupid? I mean, if you thoroughly looked at the theory or idea with your normal sense, you know it’s unfoundable through and through, up, down and inside out; completely ludicrous no matter what time of day or night it is. And yet at your weakest, you find just a little bit of sense in it and hold on tightly because you’re so desperate you have to make it.

Or maybe you have no idea what I’m rambling about. *Raises eyebrow*


I haven’t been all that great lately. I really messed up; resulting in a lot of stupid moments that I really wish didn’t have any living witnesses to. (Like when I suddenly felt incredibly dizzy and somehow almost walked right into a fast moving car, barely not getting run over. u.u) I mean, I didn’t really quite realize what was happening at first, so it’s not like I woke up one day and thought “You know, today is a great day to fuck up things for a long while! =D ”

My throat is incredibly sore so I don't want to/can't eat (And that, my dears, is a completely different story) and my voice is going in and out of commission (I believe it's currently out o.o ) and I feel weak all over and stuff and I have to go try to manage/salvage my financial situations, so wish me luck or a positive blip in the timeline of happenings.

I swear, if anyone messes with my car again while I’m still living here (meaning if any other parts are thieved/scratches scratched/dents induced/windows broken), I am personally going to hunt down the retard who did it and rip out their spleen in all of its messy glory if they don’t fix what they did/give whatever they took back intact. Or I might do both.

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Thursday, May 5, 2005

Lust at first scent
Hey everyone! Today, I am going to tell you some pretty interesting stuff in the name of science, because science rocks socks a million times over! =D

Science geeks: Yay, science! We love learning neat things in the name of science! =D

Regular MyO people: *stealthily file out the back door*


When a female is attracted to a male, a big factor in attraction is scent. I’m not talking about Axe or anything; there is a pheromone type scent, unique to every individual as a finger print, which a female can pick up from a guy. This scent somehow signals to a female as to whether his genes are similar enough for compatibility, but different enough to have healthy kids.

But scent doesn’t play a factor until the girl finds how agreeable the guy is; how compatible they are personality wise.

I dunno. I think that’s a really neat fact. From personal experience, I notice that scent sometimes from both genders; and that some people’s scent is much stronger than others.



Ha. Yesterday I completely dorked myself up. I figured I was by myself in the house, and I checked to make sure that I was. I was going to take a shower, and since I figured that I was the only one in the house, it would be perfectly fine if I took the stereo CD player in the bathroom, to sing along to a mixed cd I have. Hour later, I get out of the shower. I’m drying off when I hear a knock on the door, followed by a “How entertaining!”

Aleia: *shrieks and squeals* How long have you been home?!? >:O;;;

Aunt: Long enough. *is laughing*

Aleia: How long was that? *sweat drops*

Aunt: I’ve been home for a while now. I think I heard the whole thing. *laughs and walks off*

I almost died of embarrassment, until I figured that this isn’t the first time she’s caught me singing. u.u

Better her than my uncle. If my uncle caught me, I’d be completely mortified, honestly.

And she waited till the end of my “performance” to say anything, yeah? If my singing was that unbearable, she could have made known that she was home.

…And then I remembered one of the songs I was singing to. And then I died of embarrassment.

XP


That huge state mandated math test is today. I’m not that nervous; I figure if I know enough, then I’ll pass, if I don’t, then I don’t. That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to study a bit aforehand, though. u.u

I can’t believe that there’s only a week left of school.

Recent events have had me thinking, traveling down ferocious roads that I have traveled before, a long time ago.

Things learned:

-Just because someone flirts with you, it doesn’t mean they like you/are interested.


-Certain patterns of behavior, like anorexia, bulimia, and various forms of self mutilation, they are like the chicken pox. It looks like you got rid of the detrimental addictions forever, but in reality, they're hiding quietly somewhere, waiting for an opportune time to integrate itself back into your behavior. Same as how chicken pox waits until your body is extremely weak, then comes back as shingles. You don’t know how serious I am, when I say addiction. It’s the best choice you can make, to never even think about starting anything like that, not even once, because it only takes one time to poison yourself. Going down that path will really be the one true thing that you would regret muchly, later down the road.


Heh.


Edit: Today is May 5, 2005.

05/05/05

How cool is that?

*realizes her dorkiness is showing. Runs away and hides in embarassment*

=X



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Tuesday, May 3, 2005

Every time I think about you I touch myself.
This past weekend, I was so incredibly tired.

So imagine my sleepy tired raging rant of tsking that occurred when I woke up early in the morning with only a few hours of sleep, walked a few blocks, went on a bus, walked a whole bunch more, to attend a class in which we did absolutely nothing in.

Nothing. Not one thing was assigned to us for class work, nor was anything required to be handed in. Everyone just lazed around on the computers, while I was trying to avoid getting keyboard marks on my cheeks. <.<

Worked on some more English projects (I finished up all but one earlier this morning, so no more worry about that. *sighs a great sigh of relief* ^_^ ), got home and ate a bowl of cereal for supper. I was falling asleep while I was eating it, and in my sleepy tired mind I thought something along the lines of "Wouldn't it be funny if I fell asleep in my cereal?"

A part of me went "Haha XD", while the other part went "nooo... >.<"


Took a long long bath, in which I fell asleep while I was in it. I woke up with a start, thinking that falling asleep in a bath would be a terrible way to go, so I promptly got out. <.<

>.>


Things learned on Monday: Dont deal with water, milk, or any other types of contained liquids while really sleepy tired. Geez, imagine drowning in your bowl of cereal milk. u.u


Took one of the "pass or retake the whole course" tests today, in English. A whole hour and a half of handwritten testing horrors. X_+

But I think I did pretty well on it. *Wipes sweat drop*

So with that out of the way, there's only the Math one on Thursday. Then next week is the final for computer class on Monday, final for English on Tuesday, maybe a final for math on Thursday, and the final for Biology on Friday.

And then that's the end of school for me. For a while, anyways.


I called the school that I applied to early this morning. They're waiting for my transcripts, so I have to run to get that done. And I have to finish my FASFA for next year. XP

But yeah. I feel a lot better, after calling the school. I'm getting kinda excited about things in general now. Just not jumping up and down, because I am so incredibly tired. COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE! *nods fervently*

I foresee a lot of babysitting this summer, as the kids I baby-sit, their mom is wanting to take some summer courses at the college, and she is hesitant only because she doesn't know if I can baby-sit while shes in class.

So yeah. =)




Did you know:

There are more than 30,000 diets on public record.

Oysters can change from one gender to another and back again.

The first penny had the motto "Mind your own business"

The human tongue is the fastest healing body part.


Take that as you will. <.<



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Monday, May 2, 2005

I've had it with this game
Mhm. Shot the picture in the intro about a year ago; I was thinking about things when I remembered it. Had to stand on tiptoe for a while to rumage about for my cds that contain a lot of my stuffs.

Actually, that's a pretty good picture, considering the camera I had then. o.o


While I was scrubbing the stove today, my aunt unearthed quite a bit of old photos, mostly of her wedding (Her marriage to my eldest uncle.) I was about ten when the party occured (Arab/Islamic weddings aren't formal at all, not in the least. It's one huge party...which is why I called it that. o.-), so of course I was in some of the pictures.

See, it's funny to see everyone else's old pictures ("Aw, look at him! He was so cute when he was a baby!" or "Eee, she was so cute when she was younger ^.^"), but for me to see myself in pictures that occured after the age of 4-5 is pure mental agony. "OMG my face was so fat! I can't believe I looked like that when the picture was taken! >:|"


And then soon after, "What?!?!? You cant be parading that picture of me around in that album, gimme that! >:O"


Ok ok, that's what I really wanna say. But because it's some relative I'm talking to, I say "Aw, please please dont let anyone else see that picture... Can I take it out of the album? o.o"


Yeah yeah yeah. Of course it never happends; so after a few years I never bothered anymore with the asking/begging/pleading. I'm usually too busy dealing with my embarassment of how I looked then, and then that leads to how I look now, which leads me down to the very depths of.... no, I'm not going there.


And that's why I hate looking at old pictures of myself, because then I berate myself into a mess. *wrinkles nose*


I dunno. I'm something else. *shakes head*

......


I just ate a chocolate covered doughnut. Excuse me, I have to go kill myself.


...At the gym. You knew I meant that. Shut up.



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