Saturday, April 16, 2005

On an active search for trouble


Walked home last night relatively late. I was so raging angry inside, my hands were clenched into fists, hidden inside my sleeves (It was also pretty cold out =\ ), and I believe I probably stormed home, as opposed to walked.

Oooo, I was so waiting for some bastard to call out “Hey sexy, come here ^_~”, cause I would have went there, and I would’ve popped him one.

So last night was the first time in….forever, that no one bothered me at night, while I walked home by myself.

Today, with smoldering anger inside and a much clearer mind, I believe that is an extremely fortunate thing. As much as I felt the extremely strong irrepressible need to pummel someone, being short, kinda small, and…not knowing exactly how strong I am and stuff, taking it out on the streets in the dark to an unpredictable male stranger really wouldn’t have been the best way to go about things ^.^ *Sweatdrops*

I was really tired and worn out, when I got home around 10. Read a book for an hour and a half, and tried to deal with all this stuff I have inside. I would say in the past month, I haven’t been able to feel much of anything on my own. I mean, I only feel things if there is a situation that I am directly involved in, and something happens that warrants a reaction such as anxiety or anger, or if some dumbass says or does something that strikes a particular something in me. And when I do feel any emotion, it feels…well, the best way I can describe it is that the emotion feels hollow, like an echo. Like I am feeling it from a distance, and it feels the only way to get over this high and dry point of the strong yet hollow emotion is to feel it fully, in its entirety, and because I am feeling it as from a distance, it is impossible. And so I am extremely frustrated.

And there isn’t any way to let anything out. Everything is trapped inside and growing worse and worse, and I can’t find any way that’s long term and not health endangering as a form of release. I want to cry when I am alone, I feel so weary, so worn and old and tired, but I can’t. It feels like I’m broken or something.

There are things about me that have started changing. How I feel about people, my relationships with my friends, the people I love; it feels as if, at least for now, my heart has pretty much taken a distant not very emotional handle, in dealing with them. Oh, I still greatly care about the well-being of the people I love; I just don’t feel very…emotional about them. Like if anyone was to suddenly turn on me, or say something hurtful, it really wouldn’t affect me much, and I half wonder if I would respond in a harsh callous manner. But I lack wit, so coming from me, it won’t be all that big a deal. At the most, it might amount to a pinprick, as opposed to the blows in the gut that I’ve been dealt before. *Roles eyes*

But it isn't that way fully, not yet. There are still little loopholes in that system, and as of this morning, it feels like my insides are working on that. 0_o

I’m fighting the urge to cut myself off from almost everyone I know. It would be mostly online people, because I only know a few people offline, and it would be much easier to avoid people online than, say, the girl that lives two blocks from me. I could avoid her a lot of the time, as she isn’t allowed over to my house/allowed to call (my uncle says, but I’m half afraid that might not stop her u.u), but the fact that she…lives way too close, I pretty much have to pass by her street go to anywhere, and she knows where I go to school/the gym I go to and stuff.

But that’s not the point. I wouldn’t be avoid people out of something stupid, like self pity. When I am like this, I can’t deal with most people. My temper is non-existent, as is my sociability. I really have no desire to talk to anyone; I have nothing to talk about. But because I somehow have an ability to mask things to an extent, I can deal with people face to face without going off on anyone or giving much away. Giving much away, meaning...I dont know. I'm oddly more open, when writing with my O, than I can be with people IRL, on the phone, or on AIM, when I am like this. It feels very painful, extremly forced to do otherwise.

With everyone that I live with wrapped in their own little world and preoccupied with everything else, they honestly won’t notice anything wrong with me, and if they do, they won’t think it’s that big and wont care/wont say anything. *Laughs* I’m being serious; my uncle doesn’t notice me unless I’m late or something, or he suddenly realizes that he needs to talk to me about one of the hundred aspects of myself that he feels I need to change, to be a better person, and my aunt has her problems and has to deal with 5 kids that mostly don’t listen to her. Unless something happens, like there was a few times that I woke up crying, and that scared the kids and they went and told their parents and my aunt would ask me if something was wrong. But thank goodness that didn’t happen that often, and it wasn’t like I controlled that or anything. =\

Heh. It’s fact for me now, that I can’t sleep until I am past the point of extreme mental exhaustion. Every night, I’m afraid I’ll make it till the morning, and I can’t go to sleep normal unless I take a lot of Benadryle or take a sleeping pill. The not able to sleep part has happened long before I started trying to take stuff to make me go to sleep, and I’m afraid I’ll become dependent or addicted to that kind of stuff, if I’m not already. =\

Geez, am I one piece of work.


I am going crazy, with all this excessive crazy restless energy that I have. I dont know what to do with myself or how to get rid of it; the energy is driving me out of my mind. It's literally making me not myself, not one bit.





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