Tuesday, September 13, 2005

If life gives you a lime, would you chuck it back?



I had a dream that I had stumbled upon a crucial clue as to why and how my dad went missing. It was written in code on a something or other (I don’t think it was normal paper), and the government or some sort of elite group had high suspicions that I possessed it, and they would go to any means to make sure they got it back, and whoever had it eliminated. Every time I tried to read the coding, I had this cold tingly feeling in my belly and all over (the same kind of feeling you get when you get into really really deep trouble, and you know it’s coming), and I just knew that the whatever group was coming near and would find me, so I would hide the coding in odd places (like under a dirt clod in a deep ditch). Sure enough, seconds after I hid the coding, the group found me and did a search on my person. After they were done, they would disperse quickly, to ask some leader as to what to do next, and I would discreetly slip the coding out from where I hid it and hide myself, as they had received quick orders to search the vicinity. Obviously, if they figured I had it, and it wasn’t on me, I would have hid it somewhere close by.

The whole time in my dream, it was always dark, and most things took place outside, in open spaces. The cold tingly feeling was there most of the time, and I was always running from… something or someone.

I never was able to read the coding properly, to try to figure it out.

But I do remember that right before I woke up, it seemed that whoever/whatever was getting pretty near to catching me in what I realized was a trap, and I was trying to think of a way to slip off, and then I woke up with a start and my heart was racing like crazy and I was freezing cold.

But of course it's just a dream. I know full well where my dad is in real life. Well, pretty much where he is, anyways. But the fact still stands. <.<;;



In all honesty, I am attending school not because I want to, but because I don’t really have much other realistic choice. If I want to be dependent of my mom and my uncle, I have to have a career of sorts. The reason why I chose my major is not because I want to devote my whole life to it, but because I have some sort of passion for the matter. I honestly can’t envision myself doing only one thing for the rest of my life.

I guess…. I’m going to school because it’s something to do. It’s better than applying for welfare, living at my mom’s house; or maybe dreading my wedding date to my arranged husband at my uncle’s.

As for something I would want to do for the rest of my life, career wise.. I dunno. A dream that I intend to realize someday is to be a mom, which is why I chose the major that I did. I want to be a mom, just not right at the moment, and prolly not for a few years yet, figuring as there is a lot I need to do before I try to settle myself down. =P I figure all the excess maternal feeling and instinct should be directed towards abandoned kids and similar cases in the meanwhile. Hopefully, at least someone will benefit out of something that I do with honest enthusiasm and ease.

Who knows? Maybe somone I affect is destined to effect a greater cause; maybe something world wide. *grins*

I do want to go to unusual areas; places I’ve never been. I know I hate provincial-ness. The longest I have ever stayed in an area at a time so far is 8 years; both in PA and in NY. Jersey was for about 4 ½ years, and I am firmly convinced I have had enough of Jersey to last me for life. *grins*

I can’t comprehend what it’s like to stay in the same place all your life. To never venture far out of the place you were born, to repeat the same never changing, never ending repetitive mind numbing schedule day in and day out. To stay stagnant; to never experience new things, to never grow, broaden and change your way of thinking; to never get to know your true self and realize half the infinite possibilities and power that you possess.

It obviously works for a very many, but I couldn’t try to force and try to conform myself into that sort of role. I would suffocate and I know an essential part of myself would die.

There are people who have to be the followers, and there are people who have to be the leaders. There has to be a balance in that, kinda like ying and yang; good and evil. There cant be good if there isn’t evil. Not everyone can be a follower; not everyone can be a leader. There has to be some of both.


Eh. We'll see what happends. Nothing is set in stone, after all. *nods*



Financial aide stuffs is currently very much devastating me. I know I have people that support me, but the feeling always disappears, when I am extremely overwhelmed like that. And it only makes the by myself feeling stronger, and I feel weak and hopeless/helpless, asking/practically begging for confirmation of support from the people that I know care about me. (And of course, it's heartbreaking when reconfirmation doesn't happen.) But once something is said, should it have to be said again and again, like I have amnesia? Or like I'm.... insecure... or... something.

But I'm thinking the condition pretty much occures only when overwhelming stuff happends. The recent trends say so. Yeah, still not good. Gotta write that on my to-do list; in the things-to-fix catagory. ;P


I don’t want people to leave comments in the comment box like “so srry ur so emo”, or “I SUPRT U LOLZ”. By saying the above, I’m.. just...

I dunno. Do whatever you will.

*waves hand dismissively*


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