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• Jasmine

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myOtaku.com: Lapis Lazuli07


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

   Life
I don't think I'm depressed, but it sure does feel like it. I feel as if I'm just an empty shell meant to walk a rode of despair and sadness, forever having the rain mercilessly pound on my very being. I feel comforted by it somehow, it's as if the rain speaks to me, telling me to show the world that I need help. The sun tells me to put on a smile and not worry anyone. I always choose the latter. I cry, long and hard at night, when I'm alone in my room, when there are no lights, or when I can't busy myself with something else. I have thought about death. Sometimes I feel as if I want to die, never to kill myself, though. I feel that killing myself is the same as killing an innocent being, awful and despicable. I daydream, acting out what makes me cower in fear, and pretend that i can handle it, when I really can't. At school I laugh, joke, compliment and insult, but never am I willing to show how I really am, lonely and empty. Only a few times does it show, either when my mind leaves the room, or I have a breakdown, acting weak. I can't show my weakness, it only pulls in pity, from myself and others. Only me being rude will get them to leave me alone. Although I feel this way, I love to help other people and make them smile. I laugh to, but, for only a little while before shrinking away. I know I need help, but I am just too proud, and scared, to ask.
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