Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Bleh

I am having such a shitty week, and i seriously can't see things getting better. I won't say what precisely happened because it's too persoanl, but some real deep shit has happened last week involving my family, and it has crushed me. I am emotionally distressed and heartbroken. But what makes it worse is that in strickest confidence i told, what i thought, was my bestfriend, who then told 3 other people. Now i'm angry because a)it wasn't her secret to tell and b)it just shows how little i can trust her. Having problems with your family is never cool, but when your friends betray you, it makes things so much worse, and i'm such a mess over the whole ordeal. i have no idea where to turn. It doesn't help that i have coursework due friday, and i'm in no frame of mind to either complete it or hand it in. I really don't want to be in college at the moment. My self confidence has hit rock bottom at the moment, but that may be on the mends. I have applied to appear on the hit TV show "How to Look Good Naked" hosted by Gok Wan, so maybe he'll be able to save what little confidence i have left, and i mean little. I think i'm falling back into my spiral of depression, i can't help but question why i go through what i do, and whether its worth. I know "theres always alight at the end of the tunnel" and "these are the times that try mens souls" but honestly, if we done a preview of my life you'd see why i question such things. I feel like theres a bigger picture i am missing, but is it really that big, and if so, does it matter. What the hell am i doing here and why. I'm trying to reunite myself with religion to ease my pain, but its not working. Gods plan doesn't suit me, pain and suffering, for what? a place in God's heaven. What if i don't like it there. What if i go through all this just to be stuck in limbo? I also found out the monday of last week that i'm anemic which would explain why i feel weak and tired alot. Everyone seems to think i over exxagerate how much pain i'm in, but i really don't If i'm not feeling shitty psychically, mentally i'm exhausted. I really have no where to turn, my family wouldn't understand, and why should they have to, they have enough to deal with. and as i have already stated my "friend" betrayed me, and now i can't trust anyone. I have 30 minute councelling sessions a week, but thats not good enough and its not working. I think the NHS wont do fuck all and til im on the brink of killing myself. And what will that do but crush my family. any advice would be appreciated.

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