Sunday, May 2, 2004

   Funny shit.
Here are a couple of cooking articles that I wrote for the comedy section of strangeminds.com a while back. I hope you enjoy reading them.

How to Roast a Pikachu

by Lawrence Lessard

Roasting a pikachu could be difficult. Because first you must catch one. Pikachus are attracted mostly to gay people, just because they're so damn friendly with furry things! So if you walk out into the forest, just start acting as fruity as you can and you'll attract some attention, talk to trees, pet moss, prance lightly, and sing in "la la la" notes.
Be careful not to attract other humans or pokemon, if you do, continue acting like a little fag and ignore them, because talking to them could be deadly. They are likely to laugh so hard they burst a blood vessel and have to be carried to the hospital. If you are some kind of poke-maniac that is actually old enough to read this, you won't need it, you are already a queer, and could use a swift kick in the ass.
If the gay pokemon trainer bit doesn't work after a few hours, try the alternative. Wait in a tall tree and land on a pikachu passerby, not only will this have already done the killing job for you, you have also tenderized the meat. (This way you don't have to listen to it's pathetic whimpers and squeaks as it roasts.) Now you have the pikachu. GOOD JOB!!!
Now some do a half-assed job and toss the pikachu in the microwave and watch it explode. Although that method appeals to the sadistic, roasting a pikachu over an open fire pit is the best. Quickly stab a pike vertically up its rear, prop horizontally between two sticks over an open fire, and slow roast for 5 hours. The furrier the better.
If you're lucky you may find pikachus dead on the forest floor, or peel them off the pavement, but the juiciest pikachus are in the sewer, where people have flushed their little pals down the toilet because they thought they were dead or just didn't want them anymore. Practice with pikachu plush toys and Gameboy first!

Have fun roastin'!





The Burrito-Coma

by Lawrence Lessard

Burrito-Coma? What is a Burrito-Coma? My Dictionary of the Weird states that a Burrito-Coma is, "A Burrito-Coma can be similarly qualified as a Full-Belly-Coma. It’s the point when you have euphorically captured the feeling of bliss from stuffing your face with a burrito. Not your ordinary burrito." Keep in mind that the burrito you would receive in St. Helens, Oregon, is VERY different from that you would get in San Mateo, CA. Why? First, you are in the northwest. Second, you are not in the southwest. Redundant? No. If you ever had a burrito from the southwest you would understand. They got good burritos. Some of the best comas I have ever had. What makes a good Burrito-Coma? For many it's light sleep. But you cannot simply base it on shut-eye alone. If it were this simple you would’t need my expertise. Many, many factors are involved. Lets break it down into five sections:

1. Tortilla size.
2. What type of meat is involved? If you say, “I only eat vegetarian”, go fuck yourself.
3. Homemade guacamole and salsa.
4. How well it tastes with cerveza.
5. The siesta.

1. We have minimum standards in size. The minimum diameter of a tortilla must be at least 14”. Anything smaller than that, consider it a taco. No good Burrito-Coma ever came from a 10” tortilla. It just makes me laugh thinking of a 10” burrito, what a pathetic joke. How the tortilla is prepared is not up to you, in fact it’s sometimes best not to see it hit the floor.

2. The main ingredient really comes only in one form for THE Burrito-Coma. Carne Asada. For those in the northwest it is known as steak. When I say steak, I mean steak, real meat. Not ground beef. Ground beef has as much place in a burrito as do 9-volt batteries. Those that ask for ground beef are responsible for what is wrong with today’s society. Those that order chicken are just as guilty. Fools I tell you, fools they are. These people should sparingly throw themselves away via conventional waste disposal systems. The quantity of carne Asada (steak) is also important. It should range somewhere from 15/16 of a pound to 1 & ½ pounds.

3. Guacamole and salsa. Simple to explain. Guac – the thicker and more natural (without additives) the better. Salsa – the thicker and hotter the better. “But guacamole can be very fattening”. I say to you good sir, go fuck yourself, if you can fit your microscopic prick up your ass. “Hot food gives me heart burn”. Then put this article down and go suck on a tofu burger(better yet, you worthless crap, stick a .357 to your head and pull the trigger).

4. Cerveza. a.k.a. beer. Traditionally, you would be safe with the more the merrier. Lots-O-Beer. Yeah boy, 40’z iz alwayz the right answer, yo. But not here. For a good Burrito-Coma it must be compliment well with one of two beers. By the way, don’t mix the beers. Corona and Dos Equis. Not Corona Light. I know it is a bit commercialized, but it’s like fine wine (or is it hot chicks?) when you have Corona with a lime. Dos Equis Special Lager (green bottle). With a six-pack of one of these two beerz you’ll be sittin’ pretty. How many should you drink? Well…there is a six-pack in front of you, drink up. The only trick is to make sure that after your last bite of the burrito is gone, you have the last cerveza open. This way you have to drink it.

5. The siesta. There are a number of ways to determine this quality in a Burrito-Coma. We could look at it as duration – the longer the Burrito-Coma, the better. We could look at it as the amount of drool – the wetter the pillow the better the Burrito-Coma. We can even look at it as far as morning wood – the longer it takes you to pee after getting up, the better
the Burrito-Coma. Any combination of these three should be documented. So don’t expect to drive, operate heavy machinery, or masturbate. Well, masturbation is suspect to the individual; it’s a play-by-play thing. You might ask yourself, “What about the cheese? What about lettuce? How about rice? I’m not even going to explain rice in a burrito to the northwestern Sasquatch population. Rice? Sure, go for it, but it cannot be a substitute for the amount of carne asada. Lettuce? Are you kidding me? Stuff it up your arse. Cheese? Hell yeah! It’s one of the four basic food groups. They are meat, cerveza(beer), pasta and cheese. I didn’t expect to be giving a nutritional lecture here. But knowledge is power, I guess.

This will conclude the facts surrounding a Burrito-Coma. Always remember its more than just a fully belly…it’s a Burrito-Coma experience.


Comments (1)