Friday, September 24, 2004

The mooses ate my duck hat when I wouldn't give them my Mc Arabia sammich =(

I wonder if they ate my stamina and my self controle as well? Those silly but very nesseccary things are nowhere to be found. T_T AIM is still wacked out. I dont understand how it shows me as online, even when the computer is turned off and the phone cable is out. I bet there is some sort of vengefull AIM spirit on the roam. =O <.< >.> I still cant find those two things I lost....... *cough* Moving on... Manyana, I am applying for a job at Spencer's in the Newport mall. The last time I was in there, I had to try to remember a few words to look up, as I dont recall hearing them before. Can you imagine me working there? *imagines herself working there* *laughes* Anyways... I'm goin' on a trip! I'm goin' on a trip! And because I am using Mapquest, I am almost sure to be lost! =D Will try to update when I get back =P If I get back, Mapquest and luck willing. Edit: I am in...a lot.. of...shock, I guess. It is a very empty feeling, numb. I rush home, because my mom kept calling, saying I had to call her back, as it was urgent. My sister answered, and told me that my grandma died earlier today. I cried for half a minute out of shock, but I dont really know how I feel about it. Heh. She died angry at me, for reasons I do not know of. Heh. Edit 2: Today I met up with Charlie (Charles) and Rob (The Vampire Ed). Charlie wants me to spread the word that I caught him in full drag. I cannot confirm this statement, as my eyes were bleeding too much to see very well. XD Charlie and Rob are really crazy guys. I mean crazy in all ways positive. Except for the fact that Charlie takes entirely too much pleasure in making fun of people, as well as pulling strange sadistic stunts. >:O I bet he blackmailed somone to become a mod ^_~ Rob starts off as pretty quiet. I think once he gets over that, he can be pretty talkative. I believe both have the same personality on and offline. Well...I do admit, Charlie's craziness is a bit shocking at first, but you get used to it pretty quick. =P Charlie and Rob are really neat guys. *nods* I am really really glad I finally got to meet them offline. Unfortunatly, we really couldnt do anything, because I couldnt stay for very long. Bleh. Then I got kinda lost coming home, because Mapquest is vague. *kills Mapquest. Again.* Rushed home, finally arriving at 5 (I dont quite remember what time I left 0.o;;; ) Found the stuff about my grandma. Then the police arrive at my house, because it was reported that my stupid little cousine shot one of the little neighbor girls with some of the plastic pellet BB guns. Oy. This day feels too long.

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Thursday, September 23, 2004

Keep your feet off the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your....face!

Ah, nothing like news so early in the morning! Made some phone calls. For the first semester, I have to pay something like $2,758. Make it $3,000, including books, minus uniforms. I have to try to earn that by January. My uncle isnt going to help me, as he is convinced there is college for free somewhere in NJ. He is how old, and he is convinced there is freaking free college education to be had? I honestly dont believe anything is free, especially something like college education, but I am going to attempt to look, just to say I did. He is convinced that because I want to work in a daycare center, it is like babysitting, and I shouldnt have to pay money to learn something I already know how to do. In all honesty, it is much more than that. I have to take psychology, child development, bussiness, and I dont even remember what else. In the end, I can switch to working in a daycare center to working in a school for Pre-K 'till 3rd grade or so, if I wished. But he is Egyptian and a guy, so he obviously knows better. I'm just a 19 year old girl, so what do I know? I dont think I can earn so much in so little a time with a minimum wage job, so I probably have to push school back untill April or July. Oy oy. AIM for some weird reason has me logged in when I am not. I mean, the computer is turned off, and somehow I am still seen as online. So far it has me "logged" in for about 14 hours or so, currently. So if you IM me, and I dont reply, its because you are trying to speak to my AIM ghost. Or it could be because I'm not really there. ^_~

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

He's not that brave; He'll never say you're beautiful.

Woke up too early with the knowledge I was given a $42 ticket for being parked on the street the machine was trying to clean. I would have gotten it even if it was rounding the corner, and I had the car started and in 'park'. Heh. Comforting. It was inevitable. Watched One-Hour-Photo. Something in the end hit a nerve with me, and I have been kiltering offwards ever since then. I apologize to Sarah. In my defense, because I was off, my stealth skills were off. At least we didnt get in trouble, as I dont think my uncle knew what we were thinking about. Or maybe he didnt care. I expected something for being out at 10 at night. <.<;;; And I feel better when I am closed off from people, feeling like this. Comfortable, safe. Heh heh heh. Ben. Birthday. Saturday. Booyah. And Jennah, I know you are still reading, even though I asked you to stop. u_u

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Air guitar is my best instument, you know.

Sunday...was something else. I started out a tad late on my trip, but no matter. I figured that me starting out at 2pm, I would get to NJ latest 8pm. No, I didnt figure the roads were flooded, nor did I count the 4 hour standstill traffic. Or the fact that Mapquest left out some very important directions. *kills Mapquest* T_T I cant say I was very bored, I kept myself preoccupied with cleaning out my car, messing around with stuff, listening to music, singing, dancing in my seat. All good fun, I assure you. ^_~ Was a bit sidetracked with Mapquests gap of important directions, but I was set to go about 20 minutes later. I will always find it odd and yet extremely stupid that some exits in PA jumped strait from 57 to 59. Why on earth jump numbers? Those were the only numbers jumped, which really messed me up. Long story, anyways. T_T Ended up in Newark. Wandered around half an hour, ended up in Elizibeth. I knew I went too far when I recognized the Budwiser factory. (I lived in Elizibeth for a long long while, and we had to pass that factory to get to and from Jersey City.) Broke some rules, and ended up in Jersey City by dim childhood memory and pure luck. I felt bad ringing the doorbell at 12 am, but I wouldnt feel too safe sleeping in my car. 10 minutes later, snuck over to Sarah's house, in her room in the basement. She is one awesome person. =) Was forced to leave at 5am, as that was the time my uncle would be waking up. I didnt want to be caught sneaking in as he is roaming around, doing morning stuffs. Snuck in the backdoor (I took a chance and left it unlocked <.<;; ) and rushed around, making like I was getting a glass of icewater. Heh. He came in as I hurriedly found a cup. He was worried that I was up all night. Oy. Last night, more adventures with Sarah. I didnt get home untill 11. All the doors were locked, and all the windows but one. Instead of making people angry by waking them up, I climbed in through the window. I am so glad I didnt fall into that deep gap that is between the little fence I had to step over, and the house itself. And I am glad that none of the neighbors saw, as they might have called the police, saying that somone was breaking into the neighbor's house. As of very recent, I learned I get rushes from close calls. ^_~ *jumps up and down* I might get to see Sarah-from-Florida soon! *does a dance* ^_^

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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Drawing doodles in the air oddly makes people think you're off your rocker. ^_o

It is ok to talk to me. I wont drag you down into deep depression with me, or bore you to tears with my teen angst. I am more or less my 'normal' self. For now >:D Hmm. I really am sorry to the people I talked to in that state of mind. I apologize to Michael and Ken and...anyone else I talked to and let loose that side. I am sorry if I dont remember =\ Anyways... I am puting the talk mentioned before off for now. I think I need to do it, but...not right now. The Sarah in NJ couldn't come today =( But I will be seeing her tomorow =) And I might see the other Sarah, the one from Florida, in NY this week! =) Maybe. Nothing is concrete. An old friend from the private school days IM'ed me out of the blue last night. She lives like 15 mintues driving distance from where I am staying in NJ. She might be disappointed that I dont dress like she thinks I do. She wants to meet up at the small but nearby mall. And I might be going to school in about two weeks. If I go in October, it starts October 3, which is the move-in day. If I cant, then I start January 3. I have too much to be excited about. Somehow, I (temporarily?) fixed something with tons of sleep and the songs Fear of Dying and Vivica did...something. *shrugs* I am extremely fascinated by Mark Ryden's paintings. Some are kind of morbid, and I am strangly attracted to them. *half smiles* Tis 3:30 am, and I better get to sleep, for I am driving back to Jersey City today.

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Saturday, September 18, 2004

Ena aysa aroo hina

Everything I say makes me come off as a stupid angsty teen. Why? Because I am one >:O *rwars at everyone* I am so very stuck. Somehow, I dont think Sarah is coming. I dont think her dad will let her. So I have to go by myself. My stomach is flip flopping around, my heart is racing, my mind reeling, I cant stop shaking. I feel like a huge mess. But, no matter. I need more discipline. I wish I was as strong as people tell me I am. I wish I was smart. I wish I wasnt so annoyingly stubborn. I wish I could detatch myself from my emotions, from my feelings, to get a better view on the situation, clearer thoughts. I wish my heart doesnt ache and bleed so freely. I wish I could help the people I really care about, instead of standing there helplessly, stupidly. I need to wise up. I need to stop complaining. I really hate that part of me, the part that whines and complains all the time. I detest it, and yet I let it go on. I feel so alone and hurt, and I think I am the one doing it all to myself. How do I save myself from myself? I need to understand why it is I am doing what I am doing. I dont even quite understand what it is that I am doing, but it hurts, and I think I might have controle over it. There is no way everything I feel just comes out of nowhere, from no one. I want to change a lot of what I am, to better myself. I dont even know how to undergo such a huge task. I need a rest. I am too tired to do anything anymore. Yeah, I am your typical angsty teen, tired of life, stubborn as a mule, filled to the brim with your typical angsty sob stories, traumatic drama-filled past. In that sense, I am just like everybody else. I am the same shade of grey. Nothing special. So how come I cant get over a simple little thing like this?

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Friday, September 17, 2004

Incessant ranting resounding off the walls in my head

I dont know anymore. I never knew, but now I completely have no clue. Why do I hurt myself, over and over, psychologicly and physically? Maybe I find comfort in the pain. It is always there, you know. A constant, unlike everything else. Maybe I figure that after a certain point, I will be immune to it, stronger. I only hope so. I dont know how much longer I can withstand the constant barrage...that...I....bring upon myself. Heh. I want out. I want out this insane game. I am losing miserably, I dont know the tactics to survive. I think I am leaving PA on Sunday. *sigh* Right before I leave, I am going to go against the unspoken family rules, and do what I think I need to do. I am going to the house of that filthy dirty *cencored*. I need to make sure I am not insane, that I didnt imagine everything. I want him to admit it, I need to hear it myself. I. Bet. It is going to blow up in my face. A sixth sense tells me somehow, I am going to get hurt. I am going to be in pieces, coming...to where I am going. Technically, I am homeless. I have been living out of suitcases since my trip began. I dont know what to put down as my address, on college forms, postcards, general mail. My heart is crushed, bleeding so freely, all over the place. Somehow, I do that to myself all the time. Maybe I find comfort in that, as well. *drowns herself in music, curling up in the dark*

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Thursday, September 16, 2004

She is rotten and so beautiful.

There isn't a lot I want to talk about. Just know that I am alive and relatively ok. Stuff happend. No broken bones. Somone stole gasoline out of my car in the middle of the night, though. T_T *puts security flame shooters under car* Yeah. That wasn't fun nor amusing. Eh. If they worked that hard to steal it, I guess they really needed it. But I wish they didnt steal it from such a poor person. ;_; Yeah. So. I think my stay in PA is going to be longer than anticipated. Nothing is certain, that's for sure. Maybe more later. Never know what will happen. I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being! See how compatible you are with me! Brought to you by Rum and Monkey What on earth does eejitous mean? 0.o;;; You're a Spring. You usually are very close-knit with your friends and value everyone freidnship you have. You're a real people person and everyone loves how friendly you are. You're good with encouraging people but usually don't like to be the center of attention. You are a social butterfly and probably are in several circles of friends but it's just because you're well liked and you make people comfortable. You're both fun and wise but you are very realistic about life. What season are you? (pics) brought to you by Quizilla Whee ^_^ Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States) brought to you by Quizilla ....Oy? Category III - The Regular Jo(e) You are the quintessential standard conjured by the word 'Friend'. What Type of Social Entity are You? brought to you by Quizilla Me? Regular? Are you sure about that? Category III - The Regular Jo(e) You are the quintessential standard conjured by the word 'Friend'. What Type of Social Entity are You? brought to you by Quizilla For some reason, that was dissapointing. Your a water Dragon! Congrats! Like ice dragons, you are extremly powerful, but show it more often. You are a leader, and like to speak your opinion. AND, you are charming, swift, and great at dancing, ou enjoy getting stuck in the rain, playing with friends, and swimming anywhere! Wat-ER you wating for? What elemental dragon are you? brought to you by Quizilla Yeah. Wa-ter you waiting for? What color are you? (Anime Pictures) brought to you by Quizilla What Is Your Animal Personality? brought to you by Quizilla Edit: For Shin, I took the drink quiz. Congratulations!! You're a glass of water!! . .. um What Drink Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Hmm...a glass of water.... I guess that means that no one can live without me ^_~

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Sunday, September 12, 2004

Close your eyes, dream empty dreams, and get some rest, for tomorow you struggle and bleed in the same ravaging battle anew.

In 12 hours, I will be on the train to PA. My stomach is wasting no time. It cut to the chase and is twisting itself into incredibly tight knots. I haven't even gone anywhere yet. >:| My brother...my mom.... All I can say is God help me. Please. Toda- I mean yesterday, I im'ed my brother, asking him if he could drive me to my mom's house tom- I mean, today, so I could give presents, pack my stuff into my car, say goodbye, and...leave Three Springs. I can't say forever, because no one knows what will happen. I mean, I might come back someday and lay freakish half burned voodoo dolls covered in pins on a grave in the dead of night in the light of a bonfire, barefoot, wrapped in a white bedsheet, streaked with paint while I sing songs to the moon. I said might. Stop looking at me like that. <.<;; So. As I was saying. I was going to get around to telling my mom I was coming today, last night. While me and my brother were talking online, my mom called him. So he told her instead. And I am kinda glad that he did, for she had a big fit. She doesn't want me to come home today, because she says she needs to sleep early for work on Monday. I am getting to PA 6:30 pm, if the train pulls a miracle and actually runs on time. I will be at my mom's house 7:30 pm, 8 the absolute latest. It wont take me long to pack. The earliest she ever goes to bed for work is 9. By earliest, I also mean rarely. Very. Rare. She wants me to come late Monday. I absolutely can't. I need the car for early Monday, so, whatever. My brother told me all this stuff. He said he was still going to drive me up there anyways, going against what he just told her. He is going to catch it too. I wondered out loud if she would even let me in the house. Right after I said that, out of the blue, he tells me no matter what she says, no matter what she does, keep your cool and be the more mature one. And leave as fast as you can. Yeah, that unnerved me a tad. Just a little. Because the way he said it, it sounded like the scenerio was written in stone to happen. I am only nervouse because if we argue and I take my car, I can very well get pulled over for auto theft. (The car is in her name, and she never ever lets me forget it.) I dont quite look forward to getting that tacked into my criminal history. Might be hard to get, oh, I dunno, say, jobs with that following you around, attached as fast to you as your own shadow. I am afraid of getting very hurt. In every possible way that can be taken is what I am afraid of. And when I have been..like..this lately. *curles up and whimpers* I am very very grateful that my aunt has arranged things so that I am staying in a hotel. ....By myself. Alone. For three nights. Just me, myself, and I. Ah. Yeah. I never did that before, gone for so long, so far away, all by..myself. Everything so unstable, unsure. The only comforting thought is the town I am staying in is as familiar and comfortable as home. I have been in Three Springs for almost 9 years. I have been in and out of that town I am reffering to a billion trillion times, so even though it is about 45 minutes from my mom's house, it feels exactly like home, even though I never exactly lived there. Feels like it, though. One of the things I am going to miss is the....security. For example, in Huntindon, Three Springs, general surrounding area, I can leave my windows all the way down with my keys in the ignition while I go inside, waite in line to pay for gas, and come back outside to no one having attempted to touch my car. People here in NJ laugh/giggle insanely when I tell them that. I have to start learning to distrust people and lock everything tight, no matter how many seconds you are gone. And locking up tight doesn't even garentee you it is going to be in the same state of condition you left it in, let alone still in the same spot. And my woods. My wonderful beautiful woods. The autumn smell, the amazing colors, woodsmoke, the cozy feeling of being (relativly) warm inside your house while looking at the beauty of it all. Winter. Clean swirling snow. Perfect sparkling tapestries. Clean smell. Spring. Mud. Planting. Fresh woodsy dirt smell, of things growing, leaves and flowers sprouting, warm breezes. Purple flowers on a certain kind of tree, forgot the name currently. (Iron tree?) Baby animals running about. Outside life picking up speed. Summer. Picking vegetables. Honeysuckle scented breezes. Soft sandy dirt; gentle whispering sweet smelling grasses coushion. Wild red and orange lillies, wild blue cornflowers, wild flowers in general. Smell of a certain root, reddish orange, people can take the bark and make tea. Night seranade of treefrogs and an occasional owl. Warm sweet tart berries. Sunsets. Sunrises. Sunlight dancing through breeze fluttered leaves. Misty grey fog, covering everything like a thick comforting blanket. Wind moving through your clothes, your hair. Clean rain smell, clean rain feel upon my skin, soaking wet. Rain tip tapping steady rythmes on the roof, lulling music. Dew sparkling and glittering everywhere, magical. Like preciouse jewels glinting in the sunlight. Brilliant starlit skies. Falling stars; sudden bright streaks; amazing wonderful awed. Just looking at the dense shady/dark woods, I get this mystical fairy tale feeling. It is the same feeling you get right after you read a kick arse fantasy book, like fairies and stuff can really happen, right over there. *points to the woods* The city... is so bleak, grey, packed, closed up tight, clamoring, clanking, confusion, every person for themselves. Tough. Dirt film covers everywhere,no escaping it. Road rage. I didn't even drive here yet and I already expirienced road rage. People here need to chill, take it easy. I am convinced some people would drive better sedated. If that is possible. I think I am in mourning. *sighs*

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..... And I never could catch that giant blob of mercury that roamed the streets of our little town in the dead of night.

I wanted to put him in a 6ft jar that I found in my backyard, and later, I realized....he never co-operated because, well,.... come on, who wants to live in a 6ft jar in my backyard? Aunt: Aleia, have you ever been in love? Aleia: What is love? Infatuation and lust! Bah! Aunt: *looks at Aleia* You have been in love, haven't you? How sweet! How cute! ^.^!!! Aleia: T_T That was an actual conversation held a few hours ago. *looks at it from an angle* Mhm. I would have found that highly amusing, had I not been included. <.<;;;

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