Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Slipping backwards into old grooves

English midterm today. *frets* I fret because yesterday and today, I find it so hard to concentrate. =\ But this is English, not math. So we will see, yeah? I finally found a gym that my uncle is agreeable with. Today I go vist it? It's a requirement. Obviously. And it makes sense, I guess. ;;; I dunno. I have too much rushing about in my head, and I guess I still seem sick, because my uncle has been nice to me yesterday and this morning. Eh. If I have a chance, I'll update later. *hugs you*

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Monday, March 7, 2005

Rules run differently when you reside in a sinking ship

This morning my aunt told my uncle that she was leaving him. I could hear the amusement in his voice, when he told her ok, pack your things, leave the kids, and go tomorow. She firmly told him she was taking the kids with her. He laughed and left the house. But not before seeing me, and thinking I was asleep, said a whole bunch of stuff harshly in Arabic, along with my name, so it wasnt coincidence. I dont know what any of it meant, and I dont think I quite care to. I whispered that I am sick, and his voice softened a great deal. All my dreams last night involved a bottomless feeling of betrayal, lost-ness, abandonment. Somehow, my dreams played out all the characters in this little senseless drama using people I knew from highschool, and people I know from today, so it was...surreal. Somone died in my dream. I dont remember who, but I think I know. My chest feels like it's being squeezed tightly. I didnt wanna come to class, but here I am. My aunt is leaving when her kids' schools ends. I feel so...lost. I honestly have no idea where I am going, I really dont.

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Saturday, March 5, 2005

Contrarywise, my dear. Contrarywise.

My aunt wanted to buy me jeans/pants today. She kept telling me that where I am going to end up going, everyone's going to laugh at me for wearing black pants. *laughs* I fully agree. I own three pairs of pants I can wear outside (the rest are pajamas), and the two really really suck. So I didnt object much when we started looking for clothes. I mean, I'd really rather wait till I lost more weight, to look for new clothes. I can survive on the ones I have now. It's not like I ever had a lot of clothes...ever, so it's not that big a deal, you know? Heh. Trying on so many clothes that didnt fit really...makes you feel not all that good about yourself. It made me see how much progress..isnt happening? I'm sure that if you dont understand that, if you sit back and use your imagination and empathy for a short bit, that oughta do it. And if that doesnt work, then you suck. Yeah, you suck the bottom of my shoe. Just like AOL. *cough* Heh. After that harrowing expirience, I havent been/feel myself. I feel really really off. *shrugs* Watched a movie. Actually, that kinda added fuel to the fire. So now along with feeling off and not myself, I felt anxiouse and self doubt, sprinkled with some confusion. =P Aye. *shakes head* Babysat. When I was babysitting, the three boys that usually come over there to play with the wrestling game came over. No big deal, except the one boy kept tossing little stuff at my face ("OMG! MY AIM IS SO TERRIBLE! MY BAD! XD") and wouldnt stop picking on me. *roles eyes* Somehow, my uncle heard about there being boys there, alone with me and the little kids when I babysit. He was kinda angry, and told me to tell the little kids's mom that I refuse to babysit, if the boys walk in the house when I am there alone. Alone? The three boys are 11, 15, and the one is 15/16. What on earth am I going to do with them? In a house packed full of little kids, no less? They come for the wrestling game, most certainly not for me. 0.o But I went along and agreed with him. Of course I'm not going to say anything to their mom; the boys dont bother me. I actually like it when they come, because then the two oldest girls I babysit stop trying to wrestle/tackle me, and start up on them instead. *wipes sweatdrop* Loving of violence, they are. I think the 6 year old cousin said something to her dad, as she was there the whole time I babysat. *shrugs* Whatever. I dunno. I dont care. Right now, the house is packed with people talking/yelling/playing, and interacting with anyone and everyone is becoming physically/mentally sickening for me. I cant do it anymore, not tonight. Aunts and Uncle: Aleia, eat! You need to eat, you didnt eat all day! Your not going to lose weight by starving yourself, you know! <-- (Most overused phrase ever used towards Aleia by relatives. Or anyone else, for that matter.) Aleia: I dont wanna, my belly hurts and why do you guys always observe my eating and everything else habits? -.-;; My heart physically hurts too much, and I dont know why. =\ I just wanna take a long bath and go to sleep early. I prolly wont me on AIM tomorow, so yeah. /complain Ah hah. ^_~ Maybe Monday. Maybe maybe. *nods*

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Friday, March 4, 2005

I think I might have loved you

Ack. My brain. Now that I'm done with this long long report on a genetic disease that we had to pick from a really long list, I can sit back comfortably and watch in glee as my brain oozes and melts all over the place. ....Just to clean up that weird mess, in time for midterms next week. AOL sucks the bottom of my shoe, it really does. (AOL is the whole reason why the internet isnt working properly, forcing me to do it all last minute) ....Dont say it was my procrastination. Mine only allows huge projects like this till the night before. *wrinkles nose* Aye! Gonna go run and catch the shuttle. I'll try to update over the weekend, if AOL lets me, that is.

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Thursday, March 3, 2005

Aleia, rendered speechless?

People: OMG!111 You mean there was a time when Aleia had nothing to say? Nothing at all??!?!?! Yeah, it's been proven once before ^_~ ~~~~~~~~~~ I was walking home yesterday late afternoon, when I noticed two people standing still amist the swarm of people rushing in all different directions. The tall guy was leaning with his back against the brick building wall, staring off into the distance, while the shorter girl had her cheek against his chest, her eyes closed. They were both holding each other, and the whole scene seemed surreal. They were quiet and still, while everyone and everything around them was in constant motion, chatting on cellphones, talking loudly to the people around them, honking, beeping, cursing. And there they were, in a seperate world that's still within this one. I noticed all this within a 10-15 second time period. *shrugs* I dunno, maybe I am weird for noticing stuff like that. I dont think I know of anyone else that does. Last night, talked to a dear friend that I hadn't talked to in a long while. ...And she isnt doing that well. She's actually pretty sick. And when she told me one of the ways she was sick... I.. was... speechless. And really scared. Her whole life, everything is changed from less than 5 months ago, when she left. Everything...changed... so...fast. And it's so weird, around sometime in December/January, I suddenly realized how much it would really suck/be completely devastating if the first time you had sex, you got some kind of STD, or worse, AIDS. Heh. She doesnt have enough money to go to any doctor, so she only knows the general class of one of the ways she is sick. I wish there was a way I could help. But there isnt anything I could do, nothing that I can think of, anyways. =\ The whole convo got me to thinking about how even the smallest decisions, they can change everything so that you might not be able to go back. I mean, once you go down certain pathways, there is no way of turning back, undoing what decision you chose. It's the same with words; there are some things, once you say them, you cant ever take them back. There are some things that once you say them, they change things forever, and there is no turning back to the way things were before. And that can be good and bad, both and seperate. It has me thinking about big decisions I have to make about myself, the direction of where I want my life to go. I mean, here I am talking about little decisions that can actually make a difference, just think of the enormity of the huge drastic life altering ones. You cant be careless about them, but there isnt any use in excessivly dwelling on them either. I think the best way is to listen to yourself, your inside. I mean, of course you're going to be scared, even just a little. But there is a difference between real fear and being scared. If you feel inside real fear, because even a small part inside thinks it's the wrong thing to do, then you either need more time to think things out, or it really is the wrong thing to do. If you feel scared, but you feel that it's the best, you have an answer for everything, you feel some confidence, then it's all systems go. What I mean to say is that only you know what's best for you, ya know? You have a lot of the answers to your stuff inside; you just have to learn how to listen for them. Edit: How ironic is it, that a week after that stuff happend to me, we have to read an essay in our English book titled "A peaceful Woman Explains Why She Carries a Gun", written by a lady who explains that mace is illegal where she lives; a neighbor that used her CB for help ended up with a rapist that raped and beat her; how she took extensive martial arts classes and then it was in the news about several women who were extremely well trained in martial arts, but were raped and beaten anyways, and all this is why she carries a gun. Just showing it gives her level ground; she's never had to use it yet. Hmm.... *raises eyebrow and contemplates* Something to think about, indeed. ...I cant believe it's March, already. ...And I cant believe Thursday is almost over. 0.o;; Where did all the time go?

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Surealism is good for you

Hmm. Walked to computer class today. Ever walk up a hill that is mostly covered with a thin layer of slipery ice? I have, many a time. And I cant tell a difference whether it's worse going up an iced citified hill, or an iced country hill. *remembers when she lived in PA* Siblings: *walk walk* *slide on ice* Wheeee!! <-- (squeal of glee) ^_^ =D Aleia: *carefully tiptoe* *skid skid* Eeee!! <--- (squeal of terror) >.< >:O *remembers how siblings slid by, laughing at her, while she opted to trudge through knee deep or higher snow* Ah, those were the days... <.<;; Mhm. About computer class. I believe I am getting the hang of this silly Excel program. Which is good. Because midterms are next week. Seems my teachers might've been overly excited about midterms in the past few weeks. Teachers: Be prepared for midterms! Next week-ish! VERY IMPORTANT!111! Aleia: *lightly panicks and plans to study* Next week: Teachers: Be prepared for midterms! Next week-ish! VERY IMPORTANT!111! Aleia and everyone else: ...Didnt you guys just say that last week? 0.o Teachers: Midterms! Study! >:| Aleia: *panicks* Next week comes along: Teachers: Be prepared for midterms! Next week-ish! VERY IMPORTANT!111! Aleia: *roles eyes* You guys have been saying that the past few weeks. Teachers: *gives date of midterms, the actual date being next week* Aleia: *overly panicks* Not quite panicking... more like getting anxiouse? I mean, I am not so anxiouse about anything except math class, where the only grade that counts is the midterm. There is a final end of year test that determines whether you pass or fail the course. And as I found out, I am in that painfully basic class because I dont do well with the mix of math+test. Wooo..... Mhm. This morning I felt...odd (Odd meaning I felt my brain was going to melt down/fry, so I was feeling a lot of things at once with a dull tone X_+). I was (actually, I still am) thinking hard about the present (classes, situations, finding a job, ect) and the future (Where I am going to be in 5-ish months, because I cant stay here) I dont think it helped that I spent a long time searching for schools, searching/applying for jobs/printing out applications and stuff. And dwelling. Yes, dwelling. And pro-worrying. I wouldnt classify myself as a constant worrier. I only do so when I have something legitimate to do it about. And using the word worry so much, and saying it every time I wrote it in my mind, now I think it's a really weird word to say. It's become a non-word in my small but constant use. Ack. Now I cant say it properly anymore. 0.o That's weird when that happends. /ramble Mhm. And I feel so incredibly overwhelmed, because everything feels way too much for one Aleia to handle. At this point in the past, I would have become antisocial, pull away from AIM and the phone. Inside, I feel it's a dangerous habit to indulge in, when I do that, the way I do it. I dont know, I feel if I am not carefull, I'll lose controle or something, and I wont get out of what I fell into. If that makes any sense to anyone at all. =X ;;; But here I am still. And I am ok. =) I think the best way is to try to handle everything one small part at a time. I am trying to get a hold of things, so I can try to organize it that way. ...I said try! *laughs* I'm still working on it ^_~ So... I'll prolly end up going home to the bank, to find out what's up with my account *fret fret, worry worry*, home, find something to eat, then lock the bedroom door and dance away some anxiety for a few hours. Then actually honest to goodness finish my English assignment tonight XD *cough* And research for the Bio report due Friday <.<;;; Geez. Being a sucessful procrastinator...takes a lot of careful planning. And good timing. *grins*

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Tuesday, March 1, 2005

One two skip a few, ninety-nine a-hundred!

With the snow of last night, there was no class for an Aleia today. ...At least, I hope there wasnt. I sure didnt go. I woke up to the noise of most of the kids running around the house, jumping on the couch (Ha, the one and the same that I was sleeping on *wrinkles nose*), squealing and screaming about not going to school (They already knew their school cancelled last night. 0.o;; Why would it be big news again, early in the morning?) When I woke up later, I asked the cousin that goes to highschool if the colleges were closed. He said the news said that all the schools in Jersey City were closed. And I am really glad. Because...I spent so much time, sitting in front of the computer last night, trying to think of stuff to write for my English paper. It isnt a hard topic...but I just cant seem to write anything decent, let alone get past the header that is required. Honestly, that's all I have so far in Word. Just my name and the English class. ;;; ...Um. I'll finish my English tomorow? *blushes and grins sheepishly* Watch me wait till Thursday morning to try to pull it off. =X *cough* Honestly though, I have too much of everything stuffed tight in my head to work/act properly lately. *shakes head* What is really bothering me is the misinformation that was supposedly said in a chatroom. I wrote some about it in the last post, when I edited it. Apparently, somone in a chatroom anounced that Aleia is going to move herself and everything she owns, to Texas all for a boy. That's pretty reckless of her, considering the boy is going to move soonish after she arrives, yeah? At this point, I cant explain to a very hurt somone who observed this blatent spread of misinformation the correct version. They are too hurt/angry/maybe both/possibly at me to talk to me. So on Aleia's part, there's just a lot of extreme guilt and self hate going around. Honestly though, I deserve that, whatever they have to say to me and more. =X Ack. I better be going. But I would like to know who said that stuff. <.< Honest to goodness.

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Monday, February 28, 2005

Sexi with an I > Sexy with a Y

Lately I cant remember much, if any, of my dreams. But sometimes I wake up with the emotions that I felt lingering, the deep impression of the emotions felt still stays with me, so I have a basic idea of what my dream could have been about. Like the other day, I woke up and my conservative aunt asked me what I dreamed about. I told her I had no idea, and I was wondering why she asked. She went on to say she woke up early early in the morning and heard me giggling. Quite a bit, actually. It kinda freaked her out, waking up to somone laughing in the dark for no apparent reason ( *imagines her reaction* XD ), but then she soon found that I was laughing and giggling in my sleep. And she was wondering what was so funny. Jokes on her because I dont know either. *grins* *chuckles* I wonder if I was having one of my giggling fits? Oh, if you ever talk to me long enough, you might know what I mean. I get to giggling, and I cant stop, and it all goes downhill from there. Hard to hold decent conversation, when I get that way. ...To make that clearer, I meant it's hard to hold any conversation. It's hard for me to talk, because whatever it was that was so freaking hilariouse is doing a bad job of lurking quietly around in my vivid imagination, and pops up just as I honestly believe/manage to gasp out that I'm done, seriously this time, I'm gonna stop laughing. Not that I think it's bad to laugh a lot, but it's just not a good thing to do it like how I do, and over the phone, no less. Might make for awkward silence on the other person's part ^_~ Mhm. The first time I woke up this morning, I was on the couch in the living room, and my uncle was half outside, yelling at the kids for leaving the front door wide open. "You guys have the door wide open and Aleia is sleeping right next to the door? You're going to make her sick! >:O" And I slowly realized my face and my pillow were tear soaked and freezing cold. And I felt this big. *measures an itsy bit with her fingers* Gonna run to class. I'll edit this later, mhm? Edit: Mhm, snowing rather heavy today. Or tonight. It started around 1pm, and everyone is anticipating this hugeoungouse snow storm. *nods* I dont really care either way. I'm getting my English done sometime tonight. And I wish I knew who it was that went into a....chatroom, of all places, and said stuff that they really shouldnt have. I dont care if people talk about me, I really dont, but when they say misinformation and it hurts other people, that's when I care. I hurt so badly because someone is hurt from them spreading their fucking misinformation.

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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Shock/Suprise OMG =O!!11!!!1

Haha. Uncle says no to NY, so I stay here, whatever you wanna call this here place. After I finish a good part of my computer projects, I'll prolly be online till 8:30 my time, all the way untill AOL has to boot me off. ....Unless I have babysitting again. <.<;; Oh yeah. Last night. I got there at 7, but the mom didnt leave untill 7:30, so I dont know if she started counting the hours at when I came or when she left. Second I walked through the door, the one twin started crying. Her mom saw me, looked at Alissa, and half laughed, saying "Alissa, whatever it was that Grandma did to you really freaked you out." Her mom explained to me that Alissa isnt crying because it's me, she started this habit when she asked their grandmother to babysit once. It was only after that that she would cry if her parents left. Darn their grandmother. I've seen her before too, as she was one of the relatives that popped in unexpectedly the night just about everything possible that could happen, happened. I did take note that when the grandmother was yelling at the kids and especially at Alissa for crying, Alissa's crying got much much louder. Inside Aleia's head: ....Her crying can get louder than that? o.o;;; *cough* Mhm, lets see.... The kids have a new Playstation 2. Last night, that's all they were playing with. Their dad had aquired a few games for them, and after seeing the game Hannah and Summer were playing, I wondered if he even looked at the games he had gotten. =X Heh. The wrestling game they were playing, it had two girls in there, fighting. The object of it was to beat your oponent up, and when you get them down, try to rip off their shirt and shorts (If you could call what they were wearing those <.<;;;), exposing their bras and panties. Then you won. I'm not going to say much more, because it's embarrasing. ;;; Mhm. Off to do...school projects. Did you know: The first game of basketball was first played using a soccer ball and two peach baskets.

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Saturday, February 26, 2005

Diary of a dork

Dear Diary, I am so (hott/cool/sexi/splenderific) that I rock my own socks! ^.^ And that means nothing at all. NOTHING! NY tomorow, so there be internet for me. But not too much, because I then have to wake up early for class, and I have to take the train for that *nods* And to whoever made up the quote "Dont trust anything that can bleed for 7 days and not die" needs smacked. >:| Aye, babysitting tonight. Here's to hoping the bird doesnt try to eat me again =\

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