Monday, June 14, 2004

When the chickens start whistling them gansta tunes, you know the neighborhood has gone bad.

My brother is looking for another job. He really does hate working at Starbucks. =\ Heh. I kind of dont blame him. He tells stories of countless dorks. Who later come to the snakcbar/icecream shed/gift shop. -.- So, yeah, he is looking for another job. He got some kind of letter today from a company called Vector. The letter goes like this: Dear *I-dunno-if-he-wants-his-real-name-here* Due to our company's continued growth and expansion, we currently have openings for summer work. I would like to invite you to apply. Vector is an international company established in 1981...blah blah blah blah stuffs. One of the things that stood out was: Excellent starting pay Naturally. Not once in the letter did it mention just what the company does. 0.o I looked up the Vector website, to see what it is they do, exactly. Nothing there, really. Just mentioned a company called Cutco. My brother called, to schedual an interiew. The lady receptionist was trying to give him directions on how to get there, and well..um...my brother is very directionally challenged. X_+ So he gave the phone to me, so I could get the directions in a way so that anyone could understand them. The place she described, I knew it well, as I had gotten lost there before. It is a grey colored dumpy place. When you go there, it makes you hate the city. =\ After the phone call, we decided to google "Vector, Cutco", and see if we can see how the companies relate to each other, blah blah blah. And then it was like Whoa. There were a lot of links like this and this. Yeah, yeah, you can post anything on the internet, but, eh, there was a lot of that kind of stuff. And I had kind of suspected it. It just seemed so..shadey, I guess. I called the number they had on the letter, and said my mom googled their company, and found suspicious stuff about scamming. (My mom is crippelingly computer illiterate, and not home at the time <.<;;;; ) The lady receptionist said my mum could talk to her manager, if she liked. Me: Well, what does your company do? Reception lady: The position your brother is applying for is level entry, pretty basi- Me: Well, I mean, just what does your company actually do? Reception lady: ......Um..there-is-a-call-on-the-other-line mmbble mmble mmble *click* Intriguing.

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Saturday, June 12, 2004

Everything is contradictory. I feel like I want (need?) to talk to people, and yet I want to shut everyone out. *shakes head*

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Friday, June 11, 2004

Argh

Heh. I am getting another two points added to my driver's license.... If I get two more, I can't drive for either six months to a year. Can't remember which. Go me. Last night I dreamed the guy who's car I hit sued me for whiplash. I found it so stupid, because he was very very fine before and while the cop was there. Then I woke up. What if he tries to do that? My God, I only have to pay for his car, my car, the state, my debt, college books, college uniforms, and college tuition. Today my brother got to work by help from my mom's dad. That made me so incredibly angry, no, extremely infuriated. I will never ever admit that my family ever needed him or his freaking help. Never. *internally rages and fumes* My brother wrote down the two days I work this week. If I can't bum a ride off anyone...I have to call off. The next day I work is Sunday. Maybe if I start walking now, I could make it there... <.< >.> *cough* Uh..nevermind. =X I feel like crap. No, wait, I feel like -

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Thursday, June 10, 2004

Luck doesn't reside here.

I found out yesterday I gained a pound, but lost a few inches *Doesn't understand the logic* X_+ Eh. I guess that's ok, considering I haven't been to the gym as much as I would like (Ok, ok, I was only able to go once this month so far -.- ) Today I had a Dr. Appointment in State College. Never been there before. It was raining in torrents, and I was going pretty slow. And for some reason, I was getting very very sleepy. I kept falling asleep and stuff, but it wasn't that bad. I became alert when I suddenly couldn't feel the car's connection with the road...hard to explain, but I could tell I was hydroplaining. The light turned red, the Jeep in front of me stopped. I slammed the breaks, and the car gracefully glided forward, slamming into the car in front of me. The only thing that happend to the other guy's car was his muffler smootched back a bit. I really don't think much else happend, but the way the guy was talking, the muffler could have pushed everything lethally out of place. <.<;;; The front of my car...the top looks like a piece of crumpled purple paper, with tons of smoke billowing out from under. Sweet smelling yellow stuff (antifreeze) was leaking out very fast, like a sick looking river. Rwar. I had my stupid seatbelt on, and it didn't do me much good. I hit my head, and my nose was bleeding freely. >_< Blah blah blah, I have to pay the state $105.00 for "excessive speeding", I have to pay for whatever damage happend to the other guy's car, and I have to pay for my car, which...is going to be...a lot. To put it mildly. I have to pay for it out of my pocket.....I have less than a hundred dollars left, after I payed $140.00 for the 50 odd miles of towing that had to be done. My next paycheck is going to be only like $30, because they are only giving me two days a week. I feel so freaking overwhelmed. *cries* Mwar. I had to tell the Doctor my weight, because there is pills I am going to have to take, to help with what I have. When I told her, she blinked hard a few times, then said "Well, you most certainly dont look it!" A few bars of the Frasier theme played in my head, followed by "Tact has left the building." After my doctors appointment, I called home, to try to break the news. My mom wasn't home... She was getting my brother, who rain over a stop sign. 0.0;;;; I think what was left of it ripped under the car. He said about how he watched the fender fly off into the field. X_+ My mom.... The tow-truck guy was cool. He was only 21, and we talked and stuff most of the way home. He took off a bit from the end total mileage, and he didn't charge me anything for the ride home. I walked in the front door, and broke the news with the line "Mum, today is just not a good luck day." And she didn't flip. But the way she sighed, it sounded like something died inside. =\ I applied for a second job, a few days ago. I didn't get anything back yet from them. I feel stuck and angry >:O *waves fist* Imma going to bed, as I feel like I fell headfirst into a pile of bricks. <.<;;;

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Tuesday, June 8, 2004

The oddity is overwhelming <.<

Nay, tis odd how you can't post anything without a subject line. Rwar. I went to my brother's graduation. Personally, I think his speech was the best out of all the ones made, and I am not saying that just because he is my brother. Whenever I get the time and his cooperation, I can post it here. Seems a silly thing to post, but I will, because I wanna, and I can =P And it is really good *nods* The only bad part about going was that going reminded me how there is so many jerks at school, let alone dorks in my class alone. There was a lot of my class there, and...I am not going into it, but it felt a bit like the carnival bit, with a lot more ignoring then anything said, and I was a lot more angry then lonely. >:O *shakes fist at dorks* I wonder if by 10 or 20 years, they would have matured more. Or not <.<;;; Personally, I dont think I really care anymore. I have contact with the people that matter to me, the rest, they can do whatever. Just don't talk to me. After talking a bit with Eric (David's little brother, who had to play in the band, and invited me over to their house after the graduation thing was done and over with), lots of hugging from the friends I had from my brother's class, catching up with the cool English teacher that was pressured into leaving in 9 grade and came for a visit, I went off to leave to David's house. I was going about 35-45, nice speed for curvey back roads and the like, when this car appeared out of nowhere behind me, and started honking their horn, flashing their lights. Split seconds later, they started bumping my car. I could feel the car being pushed forward, and the engine was making funny noises whent they were doing it. This is all the while when we are both driving 45 mph. X_+ I went to pull over, let them pass, when they bumped into my car pretty hard, landing it in a ditch. Even with my seatbelt on, my head slammed into the ceiling. As they raced pass, the car shook with the afterwind (Meaning they were probably going around from 80 something to anywhere above) I felt like my head got hit with a hammer. Nothing that 12 hours of sleeping couldn't cure! =D I was only worried that they hurt the car, but apparantly....they didn't. Which shocks my socks, but I am extremely glad, none the less. ^_^ I still feel weird though. Not exactly sure why, either. I don't think I like it much, this weird feeling. =\ *gives cookies*

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Monday, June 7, 2004

And then the morning comes

So much going on, and yet not much of it worth posting <.<;;; Tonight, my brother is graduating. My wittle baby brother is graduating! ^.^ Um, well, to his defense, he is only 16 months younger than me. <.<;;; It just seems so weird....he is going to be grown up, going to college, finding his career, and is probably going to get married and have kids... No no no, I don't mean that it is scary because it is him. I have been thinking about this, applying it to even my youngest sibling, who is going to turn 11 in August. For me, it is kind of scary, a tad frightening. They are going to grow up, have lives that are different, seperate. Will we be closer, as the years go by? Or are we going to drift apart, too busy with ourselves to bother or even care? I know I might not be making any sense, but I feel so old now. =\And I feel so useless, so broken. I can't even controle my fu**ing panick attacks. I often wonder just what is my purpose, when I lie here bleeding profusly? I think the best way to describe how I feel lately is odd. I don't feel myself. I... have been wondering if I ever knew the real me, who I really am. I don't know if I am changing, and if the people I know and deeply care about, and who care about me, will they cease to feel that way, if I change? I am not even quite sure if this is some phase, if this is permanent, and where it is even going. It is hard when somone you care about hurts you and doesn't care they did. >:| On Saturday, I took my class placement tests at Central Penn. I knew I wasn't going to do all that hot in math, and I was right. I put my best effort into the English sections, and still got placed into the Developmental English class. The director assured me that 95% of the students have to take that class....but I was hoping to be the rare 5%. Oh well, I know that doesn't mean I am stupid. I did very good, from the results I got back. =P Erg. But I am a tad on the dissapointed side =\ I treated myself to see Shrek 2, after my long and confusing treck from the college. (Long story short, I somehow got caught losing myself in an aproximate 50 mile circle, making me a bit late, and getting me back to the point where I made the wrong turn. Darn the backroads! >:O ) I wanna see the movie again. Yes, it is that funny. ^____^ *Holds in spoilers and inside jokes.* For now. Maybe. <.< The honeysuckles are in bloom. :D

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Sunday, June 6, 2004

Doctor Online

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Thursday, June 3, 2004

Online, Doctor - (1 - 800) - SUICIDE

My poor tummy is all tied up in knots. I am freezing cold and it is hothot outside. I feel all dreading-ish and such. =\ Rwar. I just came from the doctor's office. I found out the reason why my all my dreams have been so incredibly vivid, to the point where I can't tell vivid dream from actual memory is because of the medicine I was taking. lol, you don't know how happy I was to hear that. I was afraid I was slowly going crazy, and next I wouldn't be able to tell living reality from imagination X_+ Enough about that. *cough* The doctor taking me off of Zoloft, as it has prooved it doesn't work well for the anxiaty stuffs. I got stuck on another drug, one I never heard of before. I think the reason why my tummy is all in knots and I feel the way I do is because the doctor gave me a sort of ominouse warning about the new stuff. He said that a slight OD on this is highly potent. I mean, yes, duh, if you OD on anything, it is going to hurt you, but with Zoloft and others, the chances of recovery are much much much higher. (No, I am not assuming, the doctor told me that himself.) With this stuff, not even immediate medical attention can give you a very good chance. I mean, not that I plan on doing anything like that, no no no. *shakes head quickly* But it just makes it seem much more..dangerouse. Risky. =\ And yes I know, every drug you take is risky, illegal, legal, OTC, but this seems moreso. Very much moreso. When I was driving yesterday, this guy in front of me was driving a good piece off of the road, on the grass. All of a sudden, this thing flew out from under his tire, and bounced to the side of the road. I pulled over, and saw it was a little baby bunny. I remembered when one of our cats caught one, and tried to give it to us. It was still alive, but it was pretty hurt. I took care of it, treated and bandaged its wounds, and it recovered very very well. (Shhhhhh...I spoiled it with lots of baby carrots from the fridge and plenty of clover from the field. :D Mum doesn't know about the baby carrots. *sneaked the carrots* <.< =X ) I was thinking that maybe it's legs got run over or something. I have seen that done before. I could help it, if that was it. When I got there, I just had this bad hopeless feeling. I bent over, to get a closer look at the baby bunny. The thick heavy smell of blood hit me, and I felt funny. I took a quick glance, and knew it was a lost cause. The bunny was shaking uncontrolably, its guts were torn apart and strewn about. Somehow, it's one eye was on the road. The other eye was still intact, fear flooded, and was blinking at me. It was making funny noises. Rwar. I felt so helpless =( Yes, I was very upset driving home. No, I didn't cry. I felt like it went beyond that. I think...I dont know what to think. I do know that many would say I over react to things like that. Yes, it was a gruesome scene, but it tore at me. It also doesn't help that in the past month, the rabbits at our house were just suddenly dying. Out of fifteen baby bunnies and adult rabbits, there are two adults left. Both aloof and mean-ish. My mom says "It's just a rabbit. Just an animal. These things happen. It's a part of life." I dunno, it might be silly and stupid, but I don't see things that way =\ Yes, it is a part of life, but... Bleh. I dunno. >_<

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Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Murphey's Law...Or something like it <.< Edited version, of course ^_~

On the way to work, I went to the post office to mail off college forms and other stuffs. It was pouring rain outside (I forgot my umbrella at work again >_< ) I said out loud, to no one in particular "Murphey's Law says it rains hard when your umbrella isn't with you" The postmaster replied with "Murphey's Law states the worst will happen at the most worst oppertune moment." I walk outside, trip into a street pond, and rip my pants. <.< Didn't see that one coming, did you? ...I sure didn't. >.> I drive back home, quickly change pants (Yes, I am running late to work -.- ) and rush to work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This one lady was looking for loose change in her purse, to finish paying off her purchases. She just suddenly dumped all the contents of her purse on the counter. These little packages slid towards me. In an attempt to help her, I picked up a few. Something about them made me look closer, and I realized they were condoms. Just the stupid catch phrases on them tipped me off. X_+ I dropped them back on the counter, and let her get them herself -.- I didn't drop them because I thought they were used, I dropped them because I was suprised. I thought they were pieces of brightly wrapped candies. I mean, it is a bit of a shock, to pick up something you thought was one thing, and to be startled into finding it was something completely different. Some of the little brightly colored package things had little smiley faces on them =\ Fooled me for a bit >.> The "yuck >_<" was in reference to some of the phrases on the wee little packages, by the way. <.<;;;; Hmm...that incident made me remember about how I first "learned" about those things <.< I learned by accident, really. In eighth grade woodshop class, this one girl filled one up with water, and was running around with it, asking people if they knew what it was. Everyone that saw it burst out laughing, and she would giggle and scoot off to the next person. I saw it, and I couldn't believe no one knew what it was. I was like "Jeesh, people, open your eyes! When she came over to me, I said "Duh, it's a water balloon!" Everyone went completely silent. Then they started roaring with laughter. I still didn't understand what was so freaking funny about a silly water balloon. -.- Then one of my friends pitied me, and told me what it was. 0.ô Then they sighed, and explained to me what they were used for. *blink* 0.O Quite snickering, I already know I am sheltered >:| I didn't find not one teensy ounce of humor in that incident then.... Funny how everyone else did =P <.<

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Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Do you know I find really neat? When it rains in the afternoon, then clears up soon after. Afterwards, the outside smells so...beautiful is the only word I can think of to decribe it. There is the woodsy smell, mixed with the smell of rain, and of honeysuckles. And when I sit outside on the picnic table, eyes closed, bathed in the bright moonlight, stars twinkling in the navy blue sky, with a warm breeze carrying the woodsy honeysuckle scent, the wind swirling around me, lifting my hair... I feel nice and peaceful. It is so beautiful, when it is like that outside...I wish I could live in that moment forever. Or that I could bottle it up and send it to you guys =P

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