Monday, May 31, 2004

Edited <.<

Heh. As I was saying, when she put in the Harry Potter DVD, and the computer wasnt working, I was shocked out of my socks when she grudgingly allowed me to go to the carnival thing that is held anually at the local park/playground. I wanted to go, because....I wanted to find people to talk to, to laugh with. At work, there is two people that dont ignore me, dont treat me like some silly two year old who doesn't know anything. And 98 percent of the time, they are leaving when I clock in, or comming when I clock out. I don't want to be popular, that is silly and unneccessary. I was just....very lonely. =\ Blah blah blah blah blah blah stuff here. (All in the previouse post) After an hour of walking around and finding no one, I decided there was nothing here for me. As I walked towards the only way to leave, I saw a huge group of kids. I looked closer, and recognized them as the crackheads from school. I got this cold feeling inside, as I recognized some from the bus. Heh. I remember for the longest time, they used to throw rocks, pennies, chewed up gum, and super sloppy spitwads, so soaked in spit I could hear them splat on my shirt, and feel the spit soak through. Heh. Did I mention they liked to tease and call names? <.< Yeah. -.- I stopped short, and looked around. There was no other way to get to my car. Unless I turned around and hid in the playground slide tower, untill everyone left (It was do-able, it was plenty dark outside, and the little kids had left) <.< >.> I stared strait ahead, trying to ignore the loud crowd, and walked towards my car. The guys started whistling at me, like I was hott or something 0.o. This loud obnoxiouse voice (It was the one guy from the bus -.- )rose above the rest. It was screaching for a few kegs of beer, I might look f***able then. Heh. Lots of fun, the carnival thing was.... I knew going home would make things a lot worse than they were now. So I went to David's house, where I watched Xmen 2. Good movie, helped me forget some things for a while. I wanted to talk to somone...but there was no use in trying to talk to David. He is kind of different, when it comes to...people relations. 0.o Heh. So there you have it.

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Sunday, May 30, 2004

I somehow convinced my mom that because she let my brother go off to David's house to play WarCraft (or whatever games they wanted to play) for me to go to this little carnival/fair thing they have every year at the little park/playground. I stopped by for an hour after my almost 11 hour shift on Thursday, and I had a lot of fun talking to people I haven't seen in the longest time from school. I think going there was one of the biggest mistakes I made in a long long time. I forgot that yesterday was prom, and that no one worth talking to would be there. I wandered around, feeling apart and different from everyone else in the crowd. Everyone else was having fun, smiling, or touching their significant other. I saw many people from my graduating class.... They refused to acknowledge me, even after I greeted them cheerfully. It felt like highschool all over again, but worse, because I know that there is different out there. I was pretty depressed, and I decided to leave. Oh no no, this isnt the end, the clincher is to come. It will have to come tommorow, as I have to leave for work -.- *sigh*

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Saturday, May 29, 2004

They came. They saw. They got bored and left.

Oh man, I can't wait to get out of here. Out of this house, escape this negative energy. Escape my negative situation. =O Thinking about college...I get all excited and nervouse and all happy and sad like. I am going to miss my family, because once I leave, I don't plan on visiting often. Not that I really can, anyways. Centrall Penn is an accelorated college, so after every 11 weeks of class, we have two weeks of vacation. That means no traditional summer vacation. I am very fine with that. I get in and out faster (I only have to go for 18 months =O!!) I have to buy my class textbooks online. I am not sure how to go around to doing that yet, as I don't know my classes and stuff. *makes mental note to save money for books. Lots of money* I have seen first hand where text books can cost up to $200.00 dollars...each. =\ I have to buy certain clothes for my classes, as Child Development is considered in the medical field (0.o?) So, yeah ^_^ It's just that getting ready for college, mailing in papers, saving up money for uniforms and books, thinking of stuff I would need to bring, it makes things feel more do-able, more possible. I think I learned... I can do anything I want to do. The price is time and patience =\ Bah. Lol. I also learned that being angry only hurts yourself. I used to be angry, because it was energy, motivation. In the begining, the engergy was strong willed, firey. In the end, it left me burnt out and tired. I see now, it only hurt me, being so angry like I was. The people (person) you are angry at cannot feel your anger. There is nothing you can possibly humanly do to make them feel it. Yes, you can hurt them, but they only feel what you do to them. They don't feel how you feel. I am not saying it is bad to be angry. People have a right to feel that way. But it just isn't good for you at all to fuel yourself with it, to make it your source of energy, your source of life. I know what I am talking about. "Wanna buy a duck ?" "Does it quack?" "Of course it quacks!"

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Friday, May 28, 2004

Oy oy oy! Eleven hours of work today. X_+ Tired tired tired.... Pluh.

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Thursday, May 27, 2004

Noontide flowers rain down gently from the skies

Recently, I went to PT's O, to look around. When the page fully loaded and I realized what the new motif was, I quickly left. I honestly don't understand why I hate clowns so much X_+;;Clowns = Freaky + Creepy x Just plain scary >:| Last night, my mom and my brother got into an arguement about the weedwacker or something. My mom somehow concluded that kicking me off the computer would make things better X_+ >:O I dunno, that just isn't logical to me. She was trying to get me in the arguement, by asking me what I thought. I knew she was right in what she was saying (Long boring story, you don't want to hear it -.-)and I explained to my brother why what she was saying was right. My mom was still yelling and screaming, and even though it wasn't a good time, I went to tell her about how I hated it when everyone screams and fights, especially if it isnt neccessary, how I hate it when people drag me into arguments that I am not part of, and make me take sides. I am not a pushover, not at all, I just really hate fighting, especially the yelling, screaming, physical type. She told me (Ok, she yelled ) that she didn't care. -.-;;; Talking to somone recently made me wonder if I am the only one that calls fireflies "lightning bugs". I probably am, as I dont know anyone else that does that <.< Not sure how they came to be that way, either. Doesn't matter, you guys know what I am talking about :DAzure is a dork for tipping off people in the comments about my white on white post >:O I think they are really neat, those bugs. Seeing them outside at night makes me happy ^_^ I am going to try to see if I can get Saturday off work. What I want to do is take my siblings to the movie theater, to see Shrek 2. I think it would be great, because we never ever ever ever do anything together fun, as a family. We do things together, like weeding the garden, yard work and house work, but I at least can't ever bring myself to say it is fun family time <.< Well, except for the dirt clod wars, but we always get yelled at for those. And sometimes some people play dirty, which makes it not as fun <.< Or when I giggle at my little sister, when she sqeals everytime she fings a worm. She picks it up, cuddles it, and whispers to it how cute it is. I don't know if she is doing that for show, or if she is seriouse X_+ Other than that, it is mostly work. And why does it seem like my mom should be in charge of that? Family time, I mean? =\

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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Doot doot dootdoot

I feel...different. Not sure what I feel, but it doesn't have negative tones to it, at least not any I can sense now o.o For some reason, I feel I need a hug X_+ Aleia: HUG Random stranger: 0.o *cough* Not that that is going to happen <.< When I was working at the snack bar, this huge load of little kids came in. An awful lot of them came over to us, to get icecream and such. These two little boys came over, and asked how much icecream was. After we told them (Yeah, it is pretty expensive =\) they started rummaging around in their pockets. "We'll trade you this and this and this..." They set what they had found on the counter, in front of me. They had pulled out pennies, little rocks, some candy, a snail shell... I was like "Awww" =( I felt sad. I didn't know what to do. I looked around, to see if the manager was around, and snuck them some icecream. Not a whole lot, and I figured it was ok, because random employees come over and get free icecream anyways. And the girl I was with was ok with it, so I knew she wouldnt tell on me. ^_^ What's it with you and your highlighting obsession? >:O Much later in the night, two guys came over to our counter. They were probably late late teens, early twenties. The one guy started pleading for a cup, for coffee. (*Note: We sell small, medium, and large cups for soda and coffee. They buy the size they want, and go to the appropriate dispensers to get their drinks) He said if we gave one to him, we would be saving a life, because he was the driver, and so so so tired. The other guy chimed in with "Two lives!! I am the passenger!!" The girl I was working with commented "Woo, today must be freebee day or something" They looked puzzled, while she explained about the two little boys. The guy started pleading, saying he wouldnt tell anyone, he wouldnt take a lot, and if we could give two little boys icecream, surley we could spare a little bit of coffee? I told him well, the little boys were cute =P His buddy howled with laughter, telling him he was shot down. The one guy litterally went down on his knees. He was begging for coffee. I shook my head. I felt kind of sorry for him, and the girl I was working with gave him the small cup. He practically kissed us (X_+;;;;) Of course, we checked for managers before we did that. <.<

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["...but he tops out way before that. There is some sort of mechanism that keeps it from going that high." OMG! XD XD XD I'll just pretend like that doesn't sound like what I think it does.] .....As hard as I try, I honestly can't see that as anything all that funny. It's about cars, Azure 0.o Silly boy. <.< Update later.What are you doing, fool? Quit highlighting everything >:O *shakes fist*

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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I wonder why cars can go at least 120, 130 mph when the highest speed limit I have ever seen is 65, and that is on the turnpike. What, are they trying to weed out the speed demons/impatient people or something? It is like giving a group of uncurable taggers numerouse cans of spray paint, let them loose in a big city full of bare walls and buildings, and telling them not to let a drop of paint anywhere. Or maybe I dont know what I am talking about? =X ...I never fully realized how almost everyone drinks. It is a lot lot more than I thought. I mean, I know I am neive, but I thought it was mostly adults who drank, and maybe a handful were addicted. Jeesh, at work, maybe a small handful (4,5 kids, I mean. Including me and my brother) dont drink. That's bad, considering 3/4 of the employers are old/ old middle aged, and the rest are kids, 21, 22 and younger. Maybe it's because I am weird that I think there is something wrong with consuming extreme and large amounts of alcohol to have a good time? It's funny, to hear them talk about their parties and whatever. One of the main words in the stories are "Oh man, I was so wasted, I cant believe I did that" Or the ever classic "Oh man, you should have seen yourself, you were so wasted, you would have done anything, including the dog" Yes, I am being seriouse, I have heard that said a lot. Not to me, of course X_+ *Doesn't touch alcohol* Personal preference <.< When I say that about alcohol, I am not saying it because I dont drink, or because its against my religion. Isnt it common sense? Would you want to drink something that loosens you up, have fun, then dont remember a thing? 0.o All I seem to do lately is sleep or go to work. (-.- ...zzzzz.. ) I am always dead tired. If I was a text smiley, in all honesty, I would look like this. X_+;; With lots of these trailing behind me. Zzz... o.-

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Monday, May 24, 2004

I have the same kind of dream every single time I sleep. Even if I don't remember the dream, I still wake up with the same feeling as when I do remember. A surreal feeling of crippling helplessness, extreme anxiaty. It's hard for me to identify the other feelings yet. Everything is all muddled together and confusing. No matter what my dreams start out with, no matter what I think about before I slip into unconciousness, I always dream about confronting the sick demented guy, about yelling and screaming and crying, while I tell him everything he has done. Yelling and crying uncontrolably while I try to tell other people, for them to help me, to protect me from the sick guy, and they are reluctent to believe me. I cite examples, and they write them off. There is never any solid proof....and I know it. And he knows it. And that is what he is hiding behind, in the end... Heh. My ditziness is showing o.o <.<

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Sunday, May 23, 2004

I have been wondering lately. Wondering lots of things. Like if somone I haven't talked to in a while would care that they hadn't talked to a "good friend" in a long while. Heh. I wonder if they even notice. o.o I am not sure how to deal with extreme anger, especially when it is directed at Aleia. Large and uncontrolable, like a forest fire. I have so much of it, I can almost feel like it could take physical form, if there was a way to let it all out. I...guess I am afraid to let it out. I dont know what I will do, when I am as angry at myself as I feel. I feel...torn. Muddled and confused. Eh, whatever. Doesn't matter.

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