Monday, May 10, 2004

I think...it would be best if I stopped saying how I feel. Better for you, better for me. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't wanna be around anyone, I want to be alone. Everything is annoying. I finally stopped bleeding. All is good.

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Silent screams echoing in my head Burning anguish locked under intense pressure Trying to find a way out. I can feel myself losing control My heart is going to suddenly stop, or I am going to explode. The pressure is viciously ripping me inside I need to release it.... Icy hot adrenalin coursing through my veins ...In any way I can… Refreshing slice Bitter feel ....But it always comes home. Hits full force, head on Perfect circle.

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Sunday, May 9, 2004

I am not in the greatest of moods. I am not done beating myself up about stupid silly things, like my appearence and other...stuff. I...need to do something, I can't stay the way I am. I dont know what to do..I feel like I am running around franticly with my eyes closed X_+ There was a point where I honestly thought about deleting my O....I realized anything I would have to post would be useless pathetic dribble. An excuse for people to openly pity pathetic Aleia. To expose how truley vulnerable I am, how broken, how defective. Why do I think I am so stupid? How can I logicly invest so much emotion into somone who deftly causes me so much heartbreak, so much confusion? I blindly continue investing my whole self and letting my feelings deepen and grow, while I watch as my heart cracks and crumbles painfully. I wish I was strong. I wish I could fix things so I am not in so much emotinal pain that it feels physical, pitifuly struggling and sinking like a dead weight in sadness. I guess I appear strong, as just appearing strong helps people I attempt to help. I am glad of that, glad that they dont know the reality of me, how I see myself, how I really am. Untill now, at least. -.-

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0.o

Your Years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Name Age House GryffindorHufflepuffRavenclawSlytherin Family Line MugglebornHalf-BloodPure-Blood Dated Dean Thomas You are well known for Excelling in Quidditch Percentage of student body you shagged - 80% How do the staff and students feel about you Ahhh!! I want to have your babies!! This QuickKwiz by lady_ameily - Taken 47825 Times.

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Friday, May 7, 2004

My mood high is sinking like a rock in water. Wonderful -_-

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Fashionable Nonesense

Today I went to the highschool, got my official transcripts in a sealed envolope, and drove two and a half hours to Summerdale, where Central Penn is, worrying the whole time that I missed exits I wasn't supposed to. Lol, everyone is right, I really do worry entirely tooooo much =P I got to Central Penn in one peice, and after a bit, I got a tour of the campus. I have to say, I am very glad I went. Going to the college gave me a lot of hope about a lot of things. Actually, talking to Sarah, Azure, and Preston did too, and I honest to goodness feel a lot better than I have for a long while. I am very worried about MiaMia though =\ Touring the college was kind of fun, really. I think the soonest I can know if I am accepted is about a week and a half, because next Friday, there is going to be some kind of council meeting, to decide who is getting accepted and stuff...*crosses fingers* If I do get accepted, the earliest I can move on campus is August 20, I think. I believe that is a Sunday. That is not bad, considering that in about a month, I will be going to Egypt for three weeks (My first vacation =O, senior trip not counting <_<;;) Actually, I am kind of nervouse about that....I am going with my uncle's wife and kids (They invited me, it is paid for and stuff), the rest of my immediate family is staying here, home, USA. My mom verbally says it is ok, but everytime on the news, there is something about bombings and whatever, she will gesture and say "Aleia, I wouldn't go now if I were you." -_- I am still going, anyways. Whatever happends to me is meant to happen, you know? Even hiding under your bed, you can get hurt. (Dust Bunnies, especially ones from under the bed are notoriouse to attack innocent under-the-bed crawlers, and are well known to at least nibble toes =O!!!) I work the snack counter at the Fort Littleton rest stop at the PA Turnpike. The rest stop is owned by HMS Host, and traveling on the Turnpike, I realized all the other stops (at least the ones that I went to) are owned by the same company. And....I made a wonderful discovery. My employee discount applies to all the other rest stops, not just the one that I work at. Hey, 30% off the end total price is nice for a hopefully soon to be college girl, no? ^_~ I leave you with a tip to remember: Never, EVER buy chocolate pocky on a hot day, and take it outside. They are the opposite of the M&M motto (Melts in your mouth, not in your hands!)....X_+

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Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Meh. I still feel really angry, sad, frustrated, extremely anxiouse...and many other things, I don't really know exactly what the words for them are, but it doesn't matter, I just know they are making me tired =\ Wouldn't it be neat if somone could make a darklight? It would be the opposite of a flashlight. When you turn it on, darkness would come out. I have no idea what it would be used for though.. <_< Or would it have to be called a flashdark? What do you guys think a darklight/flashdark would be used for? If you say flashdark out loud, it sounds like you are saying flashdork, and that just sounds silly. Magister Mundi sum! "I am the Master of the Universe!" You are full of yourself, but you're so cool you probably deserve to be. Rock on. Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

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Where did Mia Marlene's O go? 0.o I find it...weird how in the last post, I didn't put any color tags, and the post came up blue. Hmm... Maybe my O also works independently <_<;; That can be dangerouse o.o Everyone's O's, running rampant, doing whatever they want. =O *Imagines a guy's O turning all light pink and pastel colors on him* *Snickers* ^_~

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Kuroi Kishi: brb aleia85: >_< aleia85: #_@ aleia85: #_* aleia85: 0.o aleia85: <_< aleia85: =O aleia85: U_U aleia85: n_n aleia85: =_= aleia85: ~_~ aleia85: `_` aleia85: ^_o aleia85: $_$ aleia85: Scary clown! aleia85: =O aleia85: I hate clowns! aleia85: XO aleia85: *screams and runs away* aleia85: D_D aleia85: 0_Q aleia85: Monocle! aleia85: Hmm aleia85: P_P aleia85: Oops aleia85: <_< aleia85: M_M aleia85: Nooo aleia85: Bah aleia85: >_< aleia85: <_< aleia85: >_> aleia85: o.o;; aleia85: 0.o;; aleia85: X_+ aleia85: ¬_¬ aleia85: é aleia85: I dont know how I did that one aleia85: ¦ aleia85: Ä aleia85: ô aleia85: Wow! aleia85: I am amazing aleia85: Wow... aleia85: ƒ aleia85: ô_ô aleia85: ¢ aleia85: É aleia85: ª aleia85: ¶ aleia85: Å Kuroi Kishi: I see I cant leave you alone for 5 minutes, can I?

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Monday, May 3, 2004

*Apologizes* Guys, I am sorry about the last post I had wrote...I honestly didn't mean to make anyone worry. I probably shouldn't have written it, even though it really was how I was feeling. I mean, there is no reason to make people worry needlessly, no? I feel better from that point of time, but I kind of still do think the same things =\ Ah well... *Hugs Sarah, Azure, and MiaMia tightly* Today, I went to Altoona for my eye doctor appointment. Somehow, I honestly don't know how I did it, but I managed to get to the city in the non-conventional way, which means that I totally bypassed the exits I was supposed to take. I was running around the city, trying to find the elusive place I was supposed to be. I accidently stumbled upon it after stopping three different times for directions. I am glad I looked ahead, and left ridiculously early ^_^;; *sweatdrop* After a few hours of tests and whatever, I found the problem I have is common, but mostly in little kids, like 3, 4, 5. It is something that you are born with, but doesn't really show up untill those ages. I do remember having it at those ages, and the doctor told me how he was extremely suprised that my case is as bad as it is, and I had so much controle over it, untill now. I was like o.o;; He said the only solution was a surgury where I am put to sleep, and they stick needles in my eye *CRINGE #_@;;*, injecting something to make certain muscles relax. It doesn't sound that bad, it takes half an hour at the most, and I will be in and out within the hour. He said my eyes will be itchy and scratchy for a few days.. I still get just a tad nervouse *cough*anxiouse*cough* thinking about it, though X_+;; *Goes totally off subject* Ever wonder what animals call themselves? Like in cat language, are cats cats? Do they call themselves something else? Do they give themselves names? I wonder what a 'real' cat name would sound like... *ponders*

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