Friday, April 30, 2004

I...I thought I was ok, but I guess I am not. I just had a panick attack or whatever they are called, and I feel so drained. I was just sitting at the computer thinking about things, talking to somone on AIM, when all of a sudden I shuddered and started to hyperventalate. Tears were streaming down my face, my hands were getting ice cold, my face was tingling, I was struggling to breath while sobbing uncontrolably... When I woke up, my face was tingling, my throat felt like after I had an asthma attack, my hands were splotchy purple and white, my shirt and my face wet from tears, and the person I was talking to on AIM was gone. My heart is shattered into so many little peices, it can never be put back together again. The shards cut and burn when I try to pick them up. I feel so broken, so defective. I want to run away, and I know now I am able, I have nothing holding me back except me. Nothing is keeping me here, no expectations, no chains, just me. I want to run and run untill I can't move another muscle, untill I can't breath, untill I pass out. When I come to, I want to run, run untill I find the place where no one can hurt me ever again, where I can be happy and feel safe... I don't run because I know such a place doesn't exist. It never will, as the one thing I wish for the most is the dream of a simple minded innocent girl living in the harsh reality of life. I finally stopped bleeding, and I am going to go clean up the mess.

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Thursday, April 29, 2004

I don't understand why my O looks all messed up like it does...0.o *tries to fix* *doesn't know what she is doing* Methinks I need a web professional of sorts to help me 0.0;;; I am happy today, for no reason. Not much to say, really. I love my friends, I am excited about college, excited about my new job..Oh, that reminds me. I think one of the things I am going to like about working at Starbucks at the turnpike is the energy there. No, I don't mean from caffine, but the feel of all the possabilities of adventure, of traveling, of the ability to go somewhere, anywhere far away, and you pick where you stop. I don't know, it is hard to explain. Either you understand, or you think I am crazy :P Hmm...I like the idea of the question asking business. If anyone has any questions they feel the need to ask, feel free to do so. You know where the 'add comment' button is, go ahead and click it. You know you want to ^_~

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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

I think I am feeling more or less much much better than I have been the past few days. *nods* I just wish I had gotten to that point before I really messed some things up. I mean, I did some things that I kind of regret doing, health-wise, and what I did is going to stay with me for a long long long long time. Everytime I see what I did, I will remember, and hopefully, that will stop me. Hopefully... I think my heart is broken, though *watches heart crumbling* =\ Oooooh, guess what though? Yesterday, my mom made me go with her and my grandma to vote on something, some issues of some sort. I didn't want to go, but she made me. My lower back was really really hurting (it hurt to move -_-), because my poor little uterus is slowly, but painfully, killing me with cramps X_+;;;; AAAnnnyyyways, after we were done voting, I suggested that I go and pick up an application at the Fort Littleton Plaza. You know, the rest stop place they have on the freeway, with the Burger Kings and Starbucks, stuff like that. I went in, filled one out, handed it in, and they told me to sit down, drink some soda, they were going to talk to me in 10 minutes. I was like "Oh my gosh, and interview so quick?? :O " Two ladies interviewed me. I mentioned my two friends from highschool (Heath and David, they used to work there), they asked me a whole bunch of questions, then started talking about the special shoes I had to buy, how they were going to order me some uniform shirts, how they were going to arrange for me to get a drug testing done. I was like "Does that mean I am hired?" I know, I know, that was the obviouse question of the year, but I was so shocked...and I really didn't want to assume, because, as everyone knows, assuming makes an ASomething Something out of U and ME ^_~ They laughed and agreed, Yeah, I was hired. So now you guys are talking to a Starbucks girl ^_~ Hmmm...lets see what else happend.... I have my eye appointment on Tuesday, I think. I am so incredibly nervouse, as I have to drive for a long bit (about an hour, hour and a half) and drive around in a big big city that I am not familiar with at all, find the hospital (which is huge, and yes, I was never there before) and somehow find my way around inside. Then I get to hear what the doctor thinks my diagnosis is, and that in itself is nerve-wracking. X_+;;; *is afraid she is going to have to have eye surgery* =( Next Friday, I have to go to Harrisburge, to Central Penn. That is the college I really hope to get into, and I am going there for a tour/interview type thing. Harrisburge is a two and a half/three hour drive one way. I never went there, either (Ah, I am so sheltered! o.o), and I am so nervouse about (trying to) go to these huge cities and make my way around, all by myself. It feels a bit lonely, you know?

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