Saturday, April 17, 2004

Today was a wonderful day. It was nice and warm outside, it was a bit windy out, sunny. I read Fruits Basket #2. That really made my day ^_^. I really really love that series ^_^;; I still feel happy from the effects of seeing my really good friend from highschool on Thursday. He came home a week from his college in Florida, and I haven't seen him since...December, right before I got the flue, and it wasn't for all that long, anyways. We spent almost two hours together talking, and when we went to the little Italian place, he held the door open for me, and when the check came, I tried to grab it, to pay for it, but he grabbed it and paid for both meals. I felt like a lady, with the door opening and stuff ^_^;; He goes back to Florida tommorow...I am going to miss him ;_;

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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Yesterday was Tuesday the 13...a day of bad luck in the Hispanic culture (Tuesday 13 = Friday 13) lol, I have to admit, Tuesday the 13 was my day of bad luck. *plays psycho theme in the background* See, it all started when I went to work. Does't everything bad seem to start with going to work? Or school for that matter? 0.o Anyways, I tried to give a shower, and the shower wouldn't work. I had to give a bath to a lady who on a normal basis was pretty calm, but yesterday she was feeling sick, and was hitting, crying, screaming, pinching, whomping, the works. The most embarrasing part was the fact I had an audience. Her daughter was visiting, and she probably thought I had no idea what the heck I was doing. Things weren't looking better when I had to put medicine on her mom, and she (her mom) pooped all over the hand knit bedspread and the new pair of briefs I had put on her (Oy, they were such a hassle to put on the first time! Imagine how the second time went...) After that and then some, I was finally able to go on break. I called somone I haven't talked to for a while, I was pretty worried about them. The whole talk made me feel alot better, which is a good thing, for the worst part of the day didn't appear yet. Lol, I talked outside, and I tried to get back in the side entrance I had came out from, and it was locked. So, I had to walk a long ways to the front in the cold pouring rain. When I came in, I realized I forgot my wallet out on a seat at the side entrance.... When I finally came back inside, I was really late from break, and really worried about who was going to say what to me. As I was walking around, looking for the girl I was orienting with, the charge nurse saw me and said the administrator person wanted to see me. I was like 0.o, and walked to her office. I had a bad feeling, even though I didn't do anything wrong. She asked me to sit down, and she called my teacher in to the office. I squished down the butterflies zooming around in my tummy, and appeared to wait calmly. I say appeared, because do you honestly think I was calm? lol, No, I was anxiouse and worried. Obviously. <_< The administrator person began with asking me how I felt my progress in orientation has been. I felt a bit more relaxed; this was some sort of evaluation. When I was done telling her that I thought I was doing a lot better, especially since from when I had first started. She nodded, then told me about some of the things that had been reported about me. Not one single thing she told me made any sense. Somone reported that it took me 45 minutes to make a bed. I was like What the heck?? Of course I didn't say that out loud; instead I calmed myself, and said I didn't understand what that person was talking about. Of course, all the reports were "anonymous", so I really don't understand who would report that about me. There was a report about me not answering call bells (I know who did that one -_- ), another about me being observed just standing around, doing nothing for many different times. If I was standing around doing nothing, it certaily wasn't to my knowledge <_<;; The whole time she was telling me stuff, along with a little thing about how she didn't think I could fullfill their quality expectations, I looked over at my teacher. She looked really upset, and I felt a pang of..something. Not sure, really. I kinda could tell she was upset. My teacher broke into the flow of the speach the other lady was giving, and was telling me about how she liked the way I interacted with the residents, she said she could tell I genuinly cared about them. The lady administrator person agreed, finishing off with that nursing wasn't my forte, not now, anyways. I was pushing and fighting the swelling feelings of anger and sadness. I squished it down, so I didn't feel a thing, except some decent amount of dissapointment. I calmy signed a paper saying that they talked to me about why I was being let go, that I understood the reason I was being fired was that I couldn't fullfill the responsibilities and duties, but that I didn't nesseccarily agree with those reasons. I almost felt some anger when I read that; how the heck am I supposed to get another job if I couldn't "fulfill my duties and responsabilities" of my last one? I was feeling really numb as I turned in my swipe badge, and left the office. I went to go get my purse out of my locker. I wanted to get out as soon as I could. My teacher was following me slowly. She caught up to me, and started asking me if I was ok. I think she wanted to talk to me, but I knew if I started talking, I was going to be an idiot and start crying. So I walked fast, dissapeared into a few rooms, and purposly lost her. I ran out into the ice cold rain, and into my car. I was shaking pretty bad, but I didn't really care. I ripped out of the driveway, and into the highway. I talked to some people on my cell, and that helped alot. I drove around aimlessly for four hours. I was fired at 5, didn't get home untill 10:30. I spent half an hour at the gym, I knew I had to get some of my nervouse energy out before I jumped out of my car, screaming into the woods. Wouldn't that be a sight though..... It was really strange, because....I never liked my job. The only good thing about it is that I had people interaction. Not all of it nessecerilly positive, but, yeah. Meh. I feel kinda guilty for avoiding the teacher like I did... <_<;;

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Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I remember reading these books called A child called It and The Lost Boy, both by David Pelzer. The books are about things that happend to him when he was just a little kid. His mom became sick mentally, and would toruture him repeatedly. She would withhold food from him, make him drink amonia as "punishment", make him sleep in the freezing cold garage every night, make him do all the chores in a short short amount of time, stuff like that. What really made me cry when reading them was that they are true...It makes me feel so sick, to know there are people like his mom out there in the world, loose and hurting people, hurting little kids who can't do anything about it.. I was kinda feeling run down and sad, and for some reason I remembered those stories, and now I feel sadder >_< You know that feeling when you are really late for something important, like work or school? You know that if you are late, you are going to get in deep trouble, right? That panicky worry feeling, it has been the backdrop of everything I feel. I feel that feeling for no reason. I have it on my days off, I have it before I try to go to sleep, I have it in my dreams. I think this feeling is the reason why I feel so worn out all the time, so tired of life. It makes sense, you know? I feel a bit better now that I think I figured out the reason why I feel the way I feel ^_^

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Monday, April 12, 2004

Go there. Click here

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He had no family. No kids; his wife divorced him a long time ago. He died 5 minutes after my shift ended Saturday night. I think he died alone.... I feel so numb, and yet I feel like I am going to explode with everything I have bottled up. I can't let everything out, I am afraid. You know how if you shake up a bottle of soda, and you can feel there is no more room for pressure, that when you twist the cap, the soda is going to spray everywhere? I could almost say I feel like that bottle of soda. I don't even know how to let things out bit by bit anymore, with singing loudly to music, or just listening to music really really loud. Both seemed to numb things, take my mind off of everything. None of it works anymore. I don't really care about anything, I dont care about getting into college, about work, about anything. The only reason why I go to work, even though I hate what I do, is so I can have a good reason to leave home, to not come back untill late at night. Work can sometimes do a good job of numbing things (Nothing like forgetting your problems while dodging flying *hockers...) *Hockers- snotballs that are shot out of the mouth, usually aimed at poor unfortunate health care workers and such. *Half smiles* I guess there is really nothing to do about any of this. Whatever happends happends, no?

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Saturday, April 10, 2004

I found a neat math trick ^_^ Get a calculator ready. Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (not the area code) Multiply by 80 Add 1 Multiply by 250 Add the last 4 digits of your phone number Add the last 4 digits again Subtract 250 Divide by 2 Do the end numbers look familiar? ^_^

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Hmm.... I think I will write the adventures in tennis another day, as I feel weird, and I wouldn't be able to play the events out as dramaticly as they happend (Yeah, patience is needed for the telling of the most brutal and violent parts) I feel really strange emotionally. I think I am trying to distance myself from my problems, and that is causing...something. 0.o <_<;; How come when Donald Duck gets his shirt taken off, he tries desparatly to cover his bottom, when it was never covered to begin with? *Wanders off aimlessly*

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Friday, April 9, 2004

Tommorow, I will post Adventures in Gym: Tennis *psycho theme echos in background* -_-;;

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Which poem are you? The Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath To you, love is desperate and hateful. You're wildly passionate and wildly inventive. You're also likely to start stalking people. Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. Which Daria charactar are you? Daria You think you know everything and you hold yourself higher than everyone else. Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

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I found I lost a grand total of 19 pounds in one whole month. *Does happy dance* ^________^ *wipes sweatdrop* I was afraid that I gained weight lately, too... 0.o

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