Friday, February 25, 2005

Oh goodness goodness *shakes head*

Before I do anything, I wanna thank Alan and Hevn for the e-card, Godel for the cool Frenchness, and Sarah, Rustym, Shin, Azure, Ken and Sailor Otaku for the birthday wishes. =D You know you are over somone who hurt you when you glimps a perfect oppertunity for revenge, to hurt them so badly for all they've done to you, and you dont want to take it. But that might not necessarily mean you are over the pain that they've caused. I dunno. Yesterday I woke up feeling kinda...bluh. Not quite to the "I feel like crap" stage, but I felt I was really coming close. Went to English class a bit late. After I sat down, the teacher passed me back the homework I turned in last class. (I had been wondering what I had gotten on it, becuase I felt that I mighta gotten a B- at the most or something) She looked at me gravely and whispered "It was well worth the effort" Inside Aleia's head: OMG I GOT A D!!! =( !111!!1 X_+;;; Flipped to the back and saw she had given me an A. Inside Aleia's head: ....! Whenever we were in the computer lab, trying to do the assignment she gave us (About objective/subjective description, in case anyone is interested? <.<;; ), I was the last one lingering, becuase I had this huge writer's block, and I honestly couldnt think of a way to complete the paper without completely sucking/failing it miserably. The teacher commented on my writer's block that she doesnt expect anything as good as the last paper right after another. She just went on to say about how she rarely ever gives strait up A's like that, she thinks one other person got an A besides me; telling me how good I am in English and stuff. *shrugs* For some reason, it kinda startled me. And none of this helped my mood any, I dunno why. And then on to Math class, where the teacher sees me as some sort of idiot, honestly. It's not my imagination, how he talks to me condescendingly. He was talking about greater than/less than simbols. The girl that sits next to me was like "Oh no I hate these things they're so hard >:|" I told her it was easy for me, and explained that I imagined teeth in the >, and that they're kinda the mouths of monsters that are really really hungry and wanna eat what's bigger. Yeah, it is excrusiatingly painful to sit in that class, it's achingly dry and boring. I know most of that stuff in the book already. I think I got stuck in there because I panic on any sorts of math tests and stuff. Anyways. The teacher heard me, and abruptly stopped talking about the lesson. He was staring at me with this bemused expression, with his eyebrow raised and his lip curled. Of course everyone was staring at me. u.u After like half a minute, he shook his head and continued with his speeching. *sticks out her tongue* That guy, he has no imagination at all. Because it was snowing so hard outside, we got out of there about half hour earlier than usual. Walking in the snow was falling thickly, kicking up the snow drifts that were quickly forming, singing to myself, wind blowing my hair, seeing how the snow makes a dirty grey city look so clean and pretty, all this was lifting my mood greatly. I grinned when I noticed that my head was heavy with the amount of snow that had collected heavily in the curls in my hair, and my navy blue coat was now mostly white. Whatever it was that had me feeling all funny was gone. =D I was about less than a block away from the house when this guy got out of his car. He had a paper in his hand and came towards me. In broken English, he asked me where this main street was. I pointed up the street, telling him to go strait, you cant miss it. It was then that I noticed he had a grip on my coat, and he made a clucking noise while brushing the snow off my coat. What alarmed me was that I noticed he only wanted to brush the snow off my chest and a bit off of my hair. I could tell from the way he was touching me, he was feeling me up. I wanted to leave, I really did, but he wouldnt let me go. It was then that I noticed that he had the passenger side door open of his car. With his other hand, he pulled out this huge wad of bills, full of really large bills and such. He motioned a $20 to me and then to the open car door, showing me the paper with the address. I kept telling him I cant go in his car, kept trying to pull away. He then took out some $100's, motioned them to me and then to his car, tuggin on my coat sleeve, and I kept saying no. This whole time, he kept "brushing" the snow off of my chest. I was afraid I was going to start to breath funny; this was all too familiar for my taste. He pushed a $10 into my hand and finally let go of my coat. In the split second that I used to try to regain my footing, he suddenly hugged me, and he was squeezing my chest with his one hand. I finally got away and just kinda dodged the cars going across the busy street (The cars coming through here just got off route 1 & 9, so they are a bit on the fast and reckless side). I briefly turned to see that the guy was watching me, to see where I was going. I walked quickly till I rounded the corner, then I broke into a run, and I felt this crazy insane rush, like he was chasing me and I had to GETAWAYGETAWAYGETAWAY, and he wasnt chasing me at all. I slammed the gate behind me and rang the doorbell like crazy; I didnt trust myself to fumble about for the keys, I was shaking too much to attempt to unlock 4 different locks with 2 different keys. My 7 year old cousin let me in, and I ran into the girls bedroom, locked the door and curled up in bed. I didnt wanna tell anyone at first. I mean, come on, this is the same uncle that when anything regarding my past sexual abuse, he has a sorta smug look and says loudly over my voice that "It's just a story". I didnt even figure he'd believe me, let alone want to do anything. Not that there was really anything he could do, the police dont do much about that except write a police report, and the way the snow was blowing, I couldnt get his liscense plate number. Not that I was intent on getting it anyways, because I was concentrating on getting away fast without making him go psychotic and violent on me. =X But uh, my aunt, I kinda blurted it out to her, and I couldnt stop crying. She kinda panicked a bit, telling me that she's never walked outside late at night, she never knew what it's like, that I am to always take a taxi if it's even a little dark. The 15 year old cousin was acting sweet, offering for me to take his pocket knife and keep it in my coat, stuff like that. He went and called my uncle, who didnt pick up but called back in a few minutes. My aunt put me on the phone, to try to explain to him what happend, and he said he'd be home in 10, 15 minutes. *half grins* He came back about 45 minutes later, of course. I explained to him what happend, and he interupted me to ask if the guy physically tried to make me go in his car. I said no, and he concluded that it could have been much worse, dont even bother filing a police report, that this scenario is a normal part of living near the projects in Jersey City. And that was that. I couldnt sleep till much later last night. I couldnt stop thinking. I mean, I know I am going to be ok, I know everything could have went so much worse than it did, but I still couldnt stop shaking and randomly crying. Like right now. <.<;; But it kinda suddenly occured to me while I was thinking, if this had happend to one of his own daughters, he would have handled it much much differently, I know he would have. He might have gotten angry that some guy wouldnt let his innocent daughter go, kept feeling her breasts and offering her money to go into his already open car door, in a place less than a block away from home and yet not a soul on the sidewalk for what felt like miles around, the only people passing by in the twilight were in cars rushing by. He might have gotten just a little angry. But how am I different from his daughters? He knew me when I was 5 and 7, the age his daughers are now. Sometimes I think maybe some of my relatives actually do care about me, and then stuff like this happends and I wonder what the hell I was even thinking. And this, what happend last night, it was only around 5:45 when it happend, not 9:45, like it would be tonight, had my aunt not given me money for a taxi. I think now it isnt a matter of wanting to leave Jersey City, it's that I have to. I really really cant stay longer than the semester here, no way. I really really need a job >.< Mhm. Like I said, I know I will be ok in a bit, just not right at the moment. I feel a bit like how I used to, deeply hurt inside, violated, damaged, when this had always happend to me before, but I feel now that I am much stronger, I can deal with it, that I am a different Aleia than I was back then. *smiles* ...I just need a hug, I really do. *cries*

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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Quiet riots and orderly chaos

I realized last night, I dont think there are many people who can honestly say that on the last night of them being a teenager, there was a psychotic bird after them. ^_~ *laughs* Yeah, that'll most likely be the last time I bring that up. For a while, anyways. XD Hmm... My mom called last night. She told me about how she's 23 years older than me, which struck me as odd because I was born on the 23, and her birthday is in March, also on the 23. I know. I'm so weird. ;D Oh yeah. One time when I babysat, the kids were watching TV and there was a commercial for Minish Cap. It was the first time I'd ever seen the commercial, and didnt know what it was for, till near the end. Aleia: 0.O!! OMG THAT GAME LOOKS SO COOL!!111!! =O!!!! No, I didn't shout it, lol, but that's how it was in my head. I made a calm offhand comment, because, come on, you cant keep stuff like that to yourself. I wouldnt have even rememberd that this happend, untill last time I babysat (Yeah, when the bird was attacking me), Summer told me that when everyone went shopping, she asked her parents to buy that game I said I liked, but they said it was too expensive. Aleia: What game? o.o Summer: Remember? On the TV? Aleia: *suddenly remembers* ! I teared up, lol. I hugged her and told her she was sweet. And that was. =) Heh. I would talk more, but the fact that I am still kinda upset and the fact the internet is going to shut off kinda stops me. <.<;;

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

*blows a kiss*

Hmm. Technically, I wasn't 20 years old untill 6:35 this morning. But of course I was asleep during that time XD I dunno. Being awake for something like that is kinda comparable to wanting to stay awake from December 31 to January 1 of next year. Know what I mean? Of course you do. Of course, yesterday night didnt go as planned. Suprised? I'm not. *grins and shakes head* Went to the thing about body langauge. It was rather interesting, like I had figured it would. I was expecting stuff about actuall physical body language, but instead the psychology teacher was talking about eyes. Like if somone is looking down when they are thinking, they are accessing stuff related to feelings; to the sides has to do with memories and such. She had two people sit in the front of the room, while she stood behind them. She read off different things for the two people to think about (Think about the person you like, think about your dad with a purple afro, ect), and they were supposed to let whatever reaction happen naturally. Like when the girl thought about somone that she liked, her eyes and face lit up, and when the boy did, he kinda blushed. *grins* Got home 7pm; immediatly had to run to babysitting. What I really wanted to do was finish up the computer projects I had due next day early in the morning, but I figured I'd wake up early and do them. In the end, I was deliberatly overpaid $4 dollars, and I didnt feel one bit of guilt for taking it, either. I figured one dollar for each time their randomly sadistic psychotic bird decided to bite me hard for no reason, and the last one for the one twin crying loudly the whole 2 1/2 hours they were gone, and for some relatives who dropped in unexpectedly seconds before the other twin broke a large glass plate on the floor. No, none of that was really their fault at all, but geez was it humiliating. XD Relatives: *walk unexpected through the door* Twin: *drops/throws plate on floor* *loud crash* Relatives: *Jump at noise; glare at babysitter* Aleia: *blush blush blush* ;;; Yeah, about the bird. I assumed it bit, because sometimes it would open it's beak near fingers like it would bite down hard, if it had a mind to. ....And I guess now it does? The bird is like a good 12-14 inches high. It's taken to strolling around on the floor lately, and with 5 kids stampeding around the house like a herd of somethings, I would almost assume the bird was kamakazi or something. I was told to move the bird, you put your hand down on the floor in front of it, and it always puts its feet, slowly and one by one, on your hand/finger. Then you move it wherever, higher up, different room, ect. I've done it tens of times before, it really wasnt a big deal. Untill instead of stepping on my hand, it quickly bent over and got a firm grip on the joint of my pointer finger. Aleia: ...Please let go? o.o;; Bird: *stares at her with one beady black eye* Aleia: *moves finger away from bird* Bird: *rushes and flaps along to keep up with moving finger, with a hard firm grip all the while* Aleia: *stands up* Bird: *Hangs off finger* Took a while. >:| I didnt want to hurt the bird (or myself further) by doing anything drastic. =\ Second time happend when I was sitting on the couch, when all of a sudden I heard a sudden flapping by my ear, and there was a sharp pinch on my arm. Burning behind my eyes, I couldnt help it. *explicit* *wrinkles nose* Happend again on another finger on the same hand, but it was cut short because a twin came and poked her with a plastic clothes hanger. *wipes sweatdrop* I only complain because..the first finger, it hurts really really bad. ;_; It's black and blue, and it hurts to move it, making typing really hard. Like during the two suprize quizes today, in computer class. Oh goodness goodness. *shakes head and laughs* When I got home last night, I found I got my period. I'm sorry, but a period isnt an apropriate way to end the last day of being a teenager. XD *rereads that sentence* Oh, the irony. *grins* But honestly, my last day of being a teenager ended very very well. *smiles* So all is good. And I will edit later tomorow. *nods*

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

*slowly shuts the full hand written book*

Point of interest: http://everquest2.station.sony.com/pizza/ Copy/past please =) Today is the last day I am 19. ....And I bet you are wondering why this is such a big deal for me. That's kinda funny, because I have been, too. I think it is, because so much has happend in the past year alone. Fast paced, up down, swinging around. It was in July '03 that things started changing, when I started to really become Aleia. Before then, I believe I was just...there. Barely existing, complaining and angsting. *laughs* I lied to myself so much, most of my life, refused to see what was happening and let things and stuff happen because it was the seemingly smoother road, the better way. I learned that from the adults around me, so one of my first lessons learned early on was that adults dont know everything, aren't always right. Adults are just older kids. *sighs* Yeah. I changed a lot in the past two years. *grins* And I wouldnt have it any other way. ^_~ Everything that happends happends for a reason. No matter how bad, no matter how good, it is all meant to push you towards what you were meant for. The people you meet along the way, the ones that matter, they change you, even in the smallest way. Everyone is meant for something, everyone has a purpose in life. Things are kinda like an intricate watch, you know? The watch can't run properly with even the smallest wheel, the tiniest peice missing. It takes the small stuff to get the bigger stuff running. I believe you can learn something from just about anyone, from all walks of life, whether they be young or old. Age is almost always relative. For the past few months, I've been thinking about how I learned something so huge to me. It came from an off hand-ish comment, from a friend's mom who lets her husband abuse her in all ways possible. We were in the living room, eating chips and dip and watching her mom play Spiro on the Playstation, when she was was talking about a comment her husband randomly made to her. Something along the directness of "You're fat. You need to lose weight", and her husband isnt thin himself, not at all. To that, my friend's mom was saying about how if somone doesnt like you fat, they most certainly wont like you thin. For the weirdest reason, that comment kinda stunned me. I guess I never thought of it that way before. I know, it seems a very simple concept, but...I dont know. *shrugs* I can go so much more into the matter of learning anything from anyone, but....*grins* I'll spare you (and myself) for now. ^_~ Hmm. Today, had English class, where the teacher made us read a story in our text book about September 11. When she had people answering the questions out loud, I kinda zoned out, untill I subconciously realized that there was a heated debate going on. I wasnt really thinking (What did you expect, I was still kinda...not there <.<;;) and added a bit to the debate. Shortly along the line, I felt my eyes burning with tears and I had to force myself to cut emotions off or else I would cry in class. *wrinkles nose* I dont like doing that, crying in front of a group of people. It isnt about pride, and there isnt anything wrong with crying. I just dont like that kind of attention, I really dont. Anyways... There is some kind of...thing in one of the college buildings about body language, and I wanna go. But I have to find the building first. <.< After that, I hope to use the internet a bit, talk to some of you guys, finish up computer class projects that need to be handed in. (Early tomorow =X!) And that's how my last day of being a teenager will hopefully end. =) Unless I have babysitting. Then that might kinda suck a bit. ...But then the last major thing done will be earning money. So maybe not so sucky! Ok, I'm gonna stop that now. <.< Did you know: The average koala sleeps 22 hours each day. (I accidently typed 222 hours, and...we all know how that wouldnt make sense. It's been that kind of day, peoples. =P ) And I am happy for no reason. *grins* *huggles you* And there you have it. ^_~

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

Run away, run away!

Well, what are you waiting for? Run away, I'm contagiouse! You dont want what I have, mhm? Well, on the other hand, you wont get what I have unless I cough somewhere and you go and touch whatever it was I coughed on, not wash your hands and eat a sandwich/touch your mouth. Or if you kissed me on the lips. ^_~ But what are the chances of that happening? XD Anyways. Yes. I now have whatever it is the babies had, last time I babysat. Speaking of babysitting... The one twin, she has endurance. She can cry for over two hours strait, without any breaks, and would prolly go on longer, if given the chance. Oh, dont get me wrong. Endurance is a good trait to have, just not favored by me when directed at poor babysitters like myself. Her and her twin were asleep when I arrived last night, and only woke up because Hannah didnt feel like listening to me and turned the volume on the tv up way too high. Her crying woke up her sister, so everything went all hectic-like, especially when I had to go outside a minute to make Summer come in the house, as it was 8:30 by then, and came back to a third crying and Hannah pouting. In the end, I was given a $2.50 tip, because of Alissa's crying for her dad two hours strait. Honest to goodness, that's the second time she's done that. Crying two hours strait for her dad. The second he comes in through the door, she toddles over to him, crying, and the moment he picks her up, the ringing in my ears start to die down a bit, even though the other kids are yelling at their parents, vying for attention in general. Oh goodness goodness u.u;;; I dunno. I feel very tired today, and just funny-odd in general. I cant even remember what else it was that I was going to write here 0.o;;; Aye. Midterms next week-ish. Funny how it feels like I just started school, and here it's almost over. ;;; Did you know: The first show ever to be put into reruns was The Lone Ranger. Ablutophobia - Fear of washing or bathing (Sounds like my boy cousins. Honest to goodness, it's a medical wonder everyone else isn't sick with some sort of strange, new disease.) Edit: The Quizzness! =O Your Seduction Style: The Natural You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast. What Is Your Seduction Style? Rwar. ^_~ You Are A Realistic Romantic You are more romantic than 70% of the population. It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line! Are You Romantic or Realistic?

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Friday, February 18, 2005

Mean people suck.

Enough about me. ANYWAYS! Cut out of class early, to get to babysitting around 5:30, to find that the parents werent even ready to leave. They left around 6:30, I believe. u.u; Till 9:30, took care of extremely irritable babies/little kids that were in variouse stages of sickness. I kept rocking and cuddling the one twin, who decided to get a high fever on me (I remedied that), and wouldnt stop crying for two hours strait. The second her dad came home and picked her up, she stopped. Aleia:...... Aleia: I'm going home. u.u And she did. To find that the person she hates herself for hurting/wanted to explain things to is gone untill Saturday. Heh. I figure I deserve that. =X Went to the mall, and I ended up spending much more than I wanted to =X Ack. I'll be online/posting more tommorow, as I have an English paper due anyways. Aleia: Yeah, long tediouse English papers rock! =D

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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Do you know what it's like to be dance deprived?

Well, do you!?!?!?! Honest to goodness, I am going to start making up songs and start dancing to those, instead of trying to bother other people's headphones that seem to be dissapearing as well. How come no one knows where their headphones are? At least, the people that answer. The oldest cousin makes a point of ignoring me u.u *shakes fist at him* I have this catchy beat in my head, I need to dance it out. I have a huge huge problem. I am incredibly happy inside. Blissful and satisfying contentment, because there is stuff happening, stuff is starting to go my way. Waite, let me finish. The problem here is that this feeling of extreme guilt, sadness, self loathing, a general feeling of "I am a very very bad person", all this is co-existing with all the good stuff. I think...I dont know what to think. Babysitting was changed last second from this morning, to in the evening. I am going to tell the math teacher that I have to leave early-ish, so I can make it on time. I might end up babysitting most of the night. When I get home, I have some important things I need to do, stuff to explain to persons that I hurt. God I hate myself. =\ *tries to calm the raging butterflies in her belly* I think I need a good cry afore I even step foot into math class >.< Did you know: In cells, there are things called Lysomes that clean stuff out of the cell. When I think of Lysomes, I think of Lysol, the brand of cleaning agent stuffs. <.<;; Helps in the test, I'm sure. Edit: Next Wednesday is my birthday. So...I have less than a week left as a teenager. End of a book, end of a chapter. ...And I somehow managed to fail the easiest math quize of the year. That kinda sorta completely drowns out the fact that today the English teacher read my essay to the class, saying that it was a perfect example of what she had wanted, and that last class she had read parts of 3 different lab summaries, and mine was one of them. I mean, yeah, those are very good things, but I already knew I am very good at English. There is no use in excelling what you know you are already good at, and sucking worse at what you know you already suck at. The only good (or bad) thing is that the quiz scores dont count towards the final grade. The only scores that do are the mid-term and the final, the final being this ultimate test that if you fail, you fail the whole course. ..... That's all I have to say on that matter. ...If I get any more anxiouse, I swear I'm going to burst out crying and explode everywhere, you just watch me.

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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

asdflkjaspdlfkj;laskdjf

That's it. If I ever had any preconceived stereotypical ideas about any "clique" (Like gangster wanna-be's, the obvious pot people, preps) college has completely and forever abolished them. Mhm, about yesterday. I think the only thing I can really do now is just...kinda fake things. Pretend to pray, ect ect. No way in hell am I going to pretend to cover my hair and stuff. *wrinkles nose* Yesterday after English class, as usual, I went outside the building and hung around with two friends from class. A friend of Mike's stopped over soon before Bridgette's dad came to get her, and everyone was talking. After Bridgette left, Mike's friend said she had to go downtown for something. She asked if we wanted to come along, as she was going to walk. I went along, as there was nowhere I had to be that I knew of, and I am never excited to go home. I already knew downtown was far by foot, but that wasn’t the problem. *half grins* I was wearing my dressy shoes, as those are the only pair of shoes I have, besides boots. I need to ask my uncle for money to buy sneakers =\ And I hate asking him for money >.< So it took an hour strait of walking to get to where some of her family owns a little flower shop. You ever see a Pussy Willow plant? I bought some of that stuff for my aunt, because she puts up with too much from her husband and kids. *Thinks of last weekend as a good example* Eh, I mention that because I mighta picked out something much much smaller if I had actually thought about the minor problems. All in all, what I was carrying around was a small tree; most of the Willow branches were taller than me. u.u *grins and laughs* Like going on the bus, for instance. XD Well, the bus driver was already kinda rude, so I don’t mind so much carrying a mini tree on there. I took a bus a bit after Mike and the other girl (She was very nice, I wish I remembered her name =\ ) turned right at the highschool, when I had to go strait ahead, to go in the direction of the house. (That was around 45 minutes of strait walking after leaving the flower shop) Took the bus, which ended up at the bus terminal right next to the college; got off and walked the 25 minutes home. So I did kinda sorta get my exercise in for yesterday ^_~ Got quite a lot of stares from passerbyers on the way walking, me and my mini-tree. Kinda embarrassing, but oh well. *blushes* When I gave them to my aunt, she was very happy. And that made me happy. =) The cousins were too excited, and couldn’t stop touching the buds. (I saw some littered on the floor, and I knew they were ripping some off >.< ) My uncle: What?!?!? Aleia brought sticks in the house?!?!? Why?!?!? What for?!?! Aleia: *hides in room* Heh. I heard him, but he didn’t say anything to me directly. <.<;;; Me, I wasn’t very extremely tired; I could have continued walking for a few hours, if I had to. But my feet and my dressy shoes were not in agreement, not one bit. *winces* But I was really stressed out from the letter stuffs yesterday, and after a good two hour nap , a good cry, some dancing, talking to some people and a good sleep, I am very much ok. =) *huggles everyone* Did you know: If you doubled a penny every day for 30 days, you would have $5,368,709.12 Edit: Today or tomorow, I am going to buy some new headphones. I cant stand it this long without my music =\ *Tsks her cousin to the depths of wherever, for theiving her pair and then soon after losing them!* >:| I wanna talk to somone (I misses them too much =\ ), and it's so hard to...waite. *laughs* I mean, you cant call somone every single day, or even every other day. They'll get tired of you rather quick <.<;; ...And I dont have that much time left on my calling card. ;_; And...I know I am on a mission to save money and stuff, but I wanna buy a sexy pair of stockings. Or two. =X Maybe maybe. ^_~

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

First time Valentine

Yesterday, got a 20 page hand written letter from my dad, filled to the brim with all sorts of religious stuffs. Oh yes stuffs. Stuffs I really don’t feel like going into, but makes me wish: A)The letter had gotten lost in the mail, B)I have real honest to goodness apathy and really couldn’t care less what anyone says, C)I know exactly the right way to go/thing to do, without looking back 50 years later and going "You know, at that critical point in my life, I should've did-" Or being in hell, and thinking something or other like that. What I would normally do is listen to how I feel inside, but I am too unsure to follow safely. All throughout the letter, there was the obvious undertone that if I abandon the religion, I am going to hell. And what if he is right? I can’t quite pinpoint what it is about Islam that I disagree with. I mean, the normal Islam, not the fucked up extremist way. I mean, I can’t- no, I can’t say because I don’t know. I don’t know what the reason is that I am leaving the religion. The only difference between how I am going to be living, and how I would with the religion, is some small detail that might be irrelevant and especially not for my family viewing, and the fact that I wouldn’t be praying/covering. That's all my poor hurting brain can think of, for now. My poor head, honestly, it feels it is going to asplode. I so badly wish that I knew someone that knew everything, that knows how things will turn out if I choose to do this or that, and could tell me what to do and be right about it. I don’t think I care so much about being happy while I'm doing something, just so long that I am doing the right thing. I mean, it is much better to hate what you’re doing when it is the right thing to do, because the end result will pay out. I don’t want to do the wrong thing just because it is easier. But what I really want to avoid doing all together is hate how I'm living/what I'm doing, and it's the wrong thing to do anyways. For me, family is a really big deal. I love my friends and siblings, I would hunt down and kill anyone who ever hurt them, or at least I would want to and end up comforting them and being there for them the best I can. Hey, I try to do the best I can when it comes to comforting and being there for them, so yeah. Heh, I include my good friends as family. For me, there's family, and then there's acquaintances. So even though my dad said stuff about me that completely changed the relationship forever, and I don’t feel towards him how I used to (I feel distant), for some reason, his “love” and approval (?) still mean something. Or other. I don’t know. I really don’t anymore, not tonight, and I doubt I will tomorrow. Unless some freakish miracle happens to me, my brain, or I magically meet that person I described above. =X Oh yeah. He talked about how me not practicing the religion is creating a rift between me and the family I am staying with. He said if I didn’t start practicing the religion, I might not be able to go to college, because the family wouldn’t want me to stay with them anymore. ….Him saying that reminded me about how last time I was speeched by my uncle, he said something along those lines. He said about how he refuses to feed and house a non believer. He is serious; for renting the upstairs out, he makes sure they are of good Muslim faith. <.<;; Stuff happened today that I might go into tomorrow, but my feet and body in general are very very sore. I cried when I took off my socks, it was that –not good. >.< AOL is going to boot me off, and I can’t tell if I can’t stop crying because I am emotional because I just woke up, or what. *hugs herself*

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Monday, February 14, 2005

Oh goodness goodness.

You scored as Sadistic Humour. Congratulations, you scored Sadistic Humour. You find the little things in life to be funny, and have a great sense of humour, whether it's stupid or dark. You're probably young, and older people don't understand why it's all so fucking hillarious. Either way, check out: Clerks, Mallrats, Napoleon Dynamite, Wayne's World. Sadistic Humour 100% Mindfuck 85% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 80% Artistic 80% Romantic Comedy 70% Drama/Suspense 55% Mindless Action Flick 45% Movie Recommendation. created with QuizFarm.com

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