Monday, December 22, 2003

Type 'miserable failure' into Google and hit 'I'm feeling lucky'

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Sunday, December 21, 2003

Justice and Morality: You believe in doing what is right for others and maybe even for yourself. People would consider you one with good morals, and someone who would not let them down. Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait) brought to you by Quizilla

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“It is such a beautiful summer day”, the girl said, as a warm honeysuckle scented breeze caressed her face. She sighed happily, looking at all the bright flowers, the pretty blue of the sky, the white fluffy clouds. Walking on the sidewalk up ahead was her good friend. She smiled, thinking of all the long talks they had, all the secrets they shared. “Hey, wait up!” She called, running to catch up. Her friend didn’t turn around, until she tapped him on the shoulder. She gasped in confusion at the hardness in his eyes; the hate, the anger. She smiled a reassuring smile. He slapped her hard on the face. “I care about you” she whispered. He punched her in the gut. “I care about you, even if you don’t care about me” She gasped. She stood there, looking at her friend with love in her eyes. She made a move to hug him, to love his worries away. He moved close to her, and sank his glinting hate in her heart. “I love you” she whispered, as he took his knife out. The colors around her started fading. He roughly shoved her off of him. She lay face up, staring at the clouding sky. He sneered at her. He laughed as he walked away. “I love you, even if you don’t love me” she whispered to the sky. She stared as the worlds colors faded away, to shades of gray. As she laid there, her heart bleeding, she knew she had been living a lie; what she perceived now is what reality really is. She shivered as a cold cruel wind blew around her, accentuating the wound in her chest. She stared at the gray cloudy sky, wondering just what went wrong. Little snow flurries lit upon her dark lashes as her eyes closed for the last time.

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Saturday, December 20, 2003

Gerry sent me this in my email... Lost In Thought.... ----------------------- I don't know if you've been aware of it or not, but I haven't been talking to you, and most of the other people from myotaku. As you already know, I've quit or escaped from myotaku. I been visit your site once in a while, visiting myotaku was a hard habit to break. I'm not going to apologize, if you expected one or not, I ignored you on purpose. Then slowly everyone else. Afterwards, I was completely free, my life for once had order. To be honest, I haven't missed you one bit, I didn't think about you until you sent Sarah and some Karma55 after me. You sent a person whom I've grown fond of(until I left), to message me(for the first or 3rd time), and was unsurpisingly upset towards me. Then another, a person I don't know at all, I felt like I go the back hand Sir Guilt. So here I am now, thinking on what to say about... well anything. Heres my rant. Read if you want, or just ignore me as I've been to you. All the same, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't have a reason. I absolutely don't maybe I do, but I dunno. You probably heard this from Sarah already, but I don't deserve your kindness. This isn't an excuse for why I stopped talking to ya, its just that who would be so nice as to how you are? You know, I was just getting too much of a good thing. I thought about it then I realized I have no idea of who you really are, you have no idea who I really am. Everything you and Sarah had said, I took as a lie. A filthy fucking stinky lie. No not lies, pity. No, empty shit. What are the main reasons why people go online? 1) Work, school reports, research 2) Porno, hentai 3) Dates 4) Free time. Number 4 is the ever so small gigantic number 1. Whenever I go online, people ask me "wuts up" and I always answer "nuffin, you?" and they 90% of the time "same here". Thats what I feel, like I was just another person to talk to when theres nothing else to do. "Oh hey I have nothing to do, hey Gerry's on. Hmm nothing-ness and Gerry. They seem pretty even, but I'm tired of doing nothing". Thats the impression I got. Its not just you, it everyone else also. When I stopped talking to you, the most wonderful things happened to me. I'm getting more new friends, as well as getting closer to older ones. I've never been so happy ever. For the fucking first time, I've left the hell hole I've been living in and was living a life. For the first time I was away from my house past 10 without my parents, just with friends, away, far away(pathetic, eh?). Then later, my friend invited me to his house to hang out. Now I don't have to wait in from of the computer, now I can actually wait in front of someone's house. Obviously theres the bad, my mom is threatening to kick me out of the house if I keep this up. I don't care, I'll give my mom up. She abused me far too much when I was little, now that I can acutally catch the broom stick I've been on my own. I've put my priorities straight. My mom and my internet life have been at the bottom. My friends, the ones that has my back when I get into a fight, the ones that support me, the ones that can do more than letters will ever are at the top along with my-conceded-self. See, Lea2385, you have to put YOU'RE priorities straight also. You too must break free from the gravity of the hole you live in. Priests, presidents, Micheal Jackson were more powerful people than your neighbors and people still spoke against them, why can't you. Your neighbors are just the mud along the walls that prevent you from climbing, the dirt in your eyes that stop you from seeing. You can start your own life, you can do what ever you want but you chose a life still doing chores and using the computer and other stuff I'm not aware of, oh jea baking bread. I'm not saying go out and defy everyong in your way. I'm saying, break the little rules you follow, live. You are more capable than you think. Don't be so prudish, yet don't humilate yourself. Be more optimistic, don't be so hard on yourself. Heh, it seems like I'm giving you life's tips or something. Everything I've to you said was true. Dispite the fact that I thought Anatema, you, and many other people where freaks and lied a lot, I've been open. I spilled out almost everything. See, I'm the fucking bastard. I don't deserve to talk to you. Finally, I finished... I think you might want to share this with anatema, but it was aimed mainly towards you. She deserves to read this, unless she hates me with a passion or something. I know theres a lot of juicy stuff here that can be used against me, or re-worded to make things seem different. I thought you guys would get a hint when I put that Buddha quote on my site. I guess I have a bad sense of common sense and reasoning. Heh, writing this allowed me to clear out my thoughts. Now I notice how mean I actually was. I change my mind. I apologize, to everyone... have a nice life, you'll never hear from me again.. you may tell shiroikarasu, anatema, everyone else if you wish. I think you might want to. Don't blink, I'm gone. ~_^ I....I...I dont know...what to say....

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Friday, December 19, 2003

I dont know how to say this without sounding so cliche..... But my heart is shattered. After all the stuff that happend yesterday, I went to my room and cried in my pillow. I felt like I had jelly legs....and I was shaking uncontroleablely ( o.o scary!) After half an hour, I realized I had chores to finish, and I would get in trouble if I didnt get them done....so, I fed the rabbits, made supper (How could I eat after something like that???), then went to bed at 6:00. My mom didnt even come home yet, and I was in bed.... I think she was mad at me for getting over 12 hours of sleep. Or maybe because my grandma came last night with a cake, and I wasn't awake to say hi or whatever. I woke up, and I feel numb about everything. It's great! It was so much more better than how I was feeling last night....and right now..... In a sick twisted way, I am so incredibly amazed how much somone can hurt somone else so devestatingly deep without one touch, not one look, and from so far away.... And this whole situation is one very good reason why I wish I wasn't so freaking emotional.....or trusting....or nieve. Take your pick, they are all character flaws >_<

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Thursday, December 18, 2003

I....got....one and a half hours of sleep last night. Why, you ask? Because brilliant Aleia drank alot of coffee yesterday (three cups!) I had to wake up at 5:30 to help my brother label things for his bake sale, but I woke up at 5:45 instead, totally missing my mom (she leaves the house at 5:30) The reason why I wanted to catch her before she left was because a friend at her her work wants one of my baby bunnies, and my mom was going to give it to her at work. What I wanted to do was wake up early, and say goodbye to my bunny before it left forever..... I didn't make it *chin trembles* *tear* *sigh* Ah well..... Yesterday, I went to get the car back from the car shop (yay for car fixer people!) My mom made me drive in front of her....and strangly, that made me nervouse. I knew she was going to critique my driving, and I was right -.- So, here I am, home alone. Bored out of my mind ("Aleia, how can you be bored with all your chores/this work in the house to do??? You must be crazy!!!") <---my mom ^_o I wanted to go driving, but yesterday, just out of the blue, my mom sternly told me to never take the car anywhere without permission, to not go anywhere needlessly. So Aleia went nowhere today, because she mostly listens to her mom (Yeah, you know how all the good obedient kids have all the fun, no?) I have not been feeling well lately....bleh It's a nausiated-headache feeling >_< I find the word "ossified" to be a funny :P

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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

sex test Your sexual personality is determined by your sexual persona (Chi), 4 sexual scales (Emotional/Physical, Look/Touch, Daring/Modest, Verbal/Non-verbal), and your libido score (10). As a Chi, your sense of sexuality is driven largely by the need to understand your body as well as that of your sexual partner. Your sexual awareness is particularly high, though your sex appeal and sexual confidence are a bit lower. How do we know this? How do we know that you focus more on the emotional than the physical connection with your partner while having sex? Because while you were taking the test, you answered different kinds of questions — questions that measured what you're like in bed as well as your sex appeal, sexual confidence and sexual awareness.

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personality test Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Skydiver which means you are a Seeker / Golden Your primary sub-type is defined by "Seeker" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Golden" characteristics. That means you're open minded, extroverted, free-spirited, and independent. Chances are you're pretty liberal. You're like a magnet for love and affection. People adore you. And, thanks to that healthy dose of self-confidence, you're super-flexible. How do we know all this? How do we know you're a great leader at work? Or that you're a self-starter and will always volunteer to take on a job? How could we have divined that you're an excellent communicator and tend to spread your enthusiasm to others? Because while you were taking the test, you answered four different types of questions — questions that measured confidence, apprehension, willingness to take risks, and your focus on experience versus appearance — the primary traits that determine your personality. Based on your responses, we determined your personality type, Skydiver. And that's just scratching the surface.

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Monday, December 15, 2003

I wonder if all of the bad things that happend to me didn't happen, would I still be the same Aleia? How drasticaly would I be different, if I would be different at all? I wish.....I wish that I could be detached from my emotions. I am too emtotional. I feel things too strongly. I hate how they seem to rule me. My emotions are sometimes too much for me to handle.... at times when I am depressed, my sadness/grief/loniness/hate/whatever hits me like a huge ocean wave and sweeps me under, so I feel like I am drowning in my emotion. What I wouldn't do to be able to be detached, cold and unfeeling... On the subject of detachment, ever since of of my "friends" decided to drop out of the human race so suddenly, I havent been able to talk to him at all. I have no idea what the heck is wrong with him!! I IM them when they get online (no response), I emailed them a few times (no replies).... It feels like a bucket of ice cold water dumped on you, with a slap in the face. The ball is in his court....I can't do anything anymore. I am afraid of becomming annoying. About six months ago, one of my friends introduced me to his girlfriend (through aim) The first time we talked, wow, we seemed to have so much in common. We talked for hours about almost everything. When I saw her online again, I IM'ed her, and she didn't reply....this happend for 3 months. When she was online, I would IM her, and she would say nothing. I told myself that she put up aim, then left or something. Maybe there was something wrong with her aim.... Right after my senior trip, I found her on aim. I left my usuall "Hey ^_^" This time, she actually responded. It went something like this: me: Hey ^_^ her: god, your f#@$ing stupid, aren't you? me: 0.o? excuse me? her: this whole time, it never occured to you that I never want to talk to you? me:.....no her: well, I dont me:...can I ask why? her: you are very boring, stupid and ditzy you are one of the most uninteresting person I have ever had the displeasure to meet. me: ah well, to each their own opinion her: yeah, well, thats mine Heh. After that, I always wondered if stupid people know they are stupid, and if there is hope for them. I know not to base everything on one person, thats stupid. But thats not the first time I have been told that...... so, yeah.

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Saturday, December 13, 2003

Which flock do you follow? this quiz was made by alanna

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