Friday, November 19, 2004

Spinning dizzily down like a leaf falling from a tree to the ground.

But at least there is an ending in sight for the leaf u.u Eh. About my last post. I'll live. I just need to suck it up. I mean, no one can be an island, I know, but I dont think there is anything anyone can really do/say help me. I dont know anymore. Maybe if I stopped being so antisocial, I would know, eh? Ah well, enough of that. One of my friends lives with their grandmother. Right before the first time I went to their house, their grandma yelled that if I was black, there was no way that I was comming in through the door. Eh heh heh. I said that the next time I visit, I should ask her what she thinks about those crazy Arabs XD ...thus maybe making the next visit my last. *shrugs* I wish I could update better, but I have one minute left, before the computer boots me off. w00tness >.< Did you know: A crocadile can't move it's tongue.

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

What do you think of them crazy people that like to eat peanut butter and pickle samiches?

You ever hear a song called 'Somebody told me' by The Killers? I am drowning myself in that song. And the cd by At The Drive In, called Relationship Of Command. I gave it a good listen last week, and I found I really really like most of the tracks on there. Sucks to be the person I promised it to XD I am really straining my self controle as of late. There are (not good/healthy) things I used to do (coughcuttingcough)to relieve extreme tension and stress. Temporary, and like I said before, not good or healthy. Yes, I have stopped doing that for a while now. No, I dont have an alternative yet. Whenever I get the urge to cut myself, I drown myself in my music, for distraction. I put myself so much into a song that I have to sing and move around, and I get some kind of high from it, from putting myself into the music. My secret fear right now is that I am going to get sick of the music I am constantly listening to, and I wont be able to find replacement music. When I say constantly listening to, I really mean it. If I wont get arrested/yelled at for listening to music at a high volume, I will do it. I loves my headphones that my stupid cousine stole from me when I was asleep. I will kill him when I get home. =) For reasons unapparent to me, stuff has started lately. I will be sitting around, listening to my cd player at a high volume, and I will start getting emotional, and I end up curled in a fetal position, shaking and crying. God am I pathetic. And boy do I know it. So shut up. >:| I had to take the placement test at Hudson College today. I sucked so bad at the math that they asked me to come back again sometime next week, to retake it. I mean, for the reading part, I got a score that began with a 1 and ended with a 7, dont remember exactly now. The algebra score was something like 105, and the math score was 50. Another thing to add to why I am disgusted with myself. I was never good at math =\ The rest of the time, I am all frustrated angry, with a lot of sad and spining out of controleness. Especially when I think. Eh heh heh. I dont feel like doing random pointless facts today. Maybe tomorrow. *shrugs*

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

*sigh*

For some reason, there is stuff I am still stuck on. I found out last week that my mom's cousine Mike commited suicide. Of course I didnt find out from a relative; I found out from calling David's mom, who still lives in Three Springs and knew from the rumor mill and obituary combined. He had a wife and three kids; he commited suicide because he found out a few months prior that he had cancer and the doctors had no hope for him. He had become extremely sick and weak from his cancer, but I dont think that is a good enough reason for that. His wife found out he had cancer from his suicide note. I knew Mike because he was a bus driver for the school, and he was just a really nice guy. I mean, considering how the rest of his family is, his personality made him a black sheep of sorts. Rarely can anyone honestly say the name 'Detwiler' and 'nice' in the same sentence, without stepping on the borders of "Boy, isn't it nice that the Detwilers aren't here/are gone?" The ones I am associated with, anyways. I know there are some with the same last name that say they arent related, and they are pretty decent, though many of their relatives that say they arent related exibit the same exact characteristics. Ok, I'm gonna shut up about that now. What I was saying before is that I am still really stunned. I mean, I wasn't close enough to him for me to be completely devestated, but I was close enough to care. Sometimes I feel like crying, but nothing comes. Somone I know says they dont have any sympathy or pity for people who do that, commit suicide. I can't say that, especially if it concerns people I have an emotional tie to, anyone I care about. (Ha ha, that only applies to just about everyone I freaking know T_T ) I dont think I have it in me to cut off emotions, even if it was for the better. I guess I am stupid that way. The hospital applied to is called St. Mary's Hospital. Now that I remember the name, I have the option of bombaring them with a phone call daily inquiring about my application. And get yelled at before I even possibly get an interview. XD Ack. I will find a way. ^_~ What makes a person deep? I have a secret fear that I am shallow. There are some concepts I can't understand, and it frustrates me so much. I mean, I try and try so hard to try to comprehend them, but there is a block or something, and it feels like I am incapable of doing so. And in the end, my efforts make me a mess. God am I pathetic. *cough* So, anyways... On Saturday, my aunt from NY is going to take me and two of my boy cousins to the MET (Metropolitan Museum of Art) Saturday. *does a dance* I went there with Anatema-Sarah, and that place rocks. ^_^ We're going to go to other little places and stuff, then we are going to sleep over. Which means I will be on AIM, internet willing, of course. Yeah. Saturday. Aleia. AIM. ;D Did you know: The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime. The average speed of a house fly is 4.5 miles an hour.

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Monday, November 15, 2004

He is like a campfire. From a safe distance, warm and nice, the orange flames inacting a mesmerizing dance.

And when you get too close, you get severely burned and scars to remember forever. Ahem. So, how has everyone been? Without the internet, I dont have much interaction with anyone near my age/interests. Oddly enough, there doesnt seem to be anyone here, in my neighborhood. Oh sure, there are people, but they are little kids, or parents/old people. Went to my aunt's apartment. Her internet was broken so that it wouldnt let me go to websites, but it let AIM run. And that's about it. u.u Ah yes. Past weekend was a holiday. I got a cellphone from my aunt ("You drove to all those state/places without a phone?!?") and clothes. I recieved money from my uncle on the second day of the holidays, along with some biting comments concerning religion. The past week, my uncle has been arguing with my aunt about how I am not following "his way" of things. Religion wise, of course. He is really angry that I dont cover my hair, and that I wear short sleeves (shortest is up to my elbows) when it is hot. He wants my aunt to talk to me, so I can start to dress proper. I remember something that one of my friends had told me, about when I went to Egypt. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." For a reason I cant put words for, I feel an extreme reluctance to wearing a scarf, a feeling of suffocation. I am already so confused about the subject of religion, I really dont need this to complicate things further. What I really really hate is how much lately they have been arguing about religion and me, and the intensity of their arguing. The arguing picked up pace yesterday. My aunt tells him you cant make someone follow a religion, the actions wont count because it doesnt come from themselves, from inside of them. That religion comes from a good feeling inside, and you doing things religiouse wise because you want to do it, because you believe it right. When he insists, she tells him to talk to me himself. What I am most afraid of is that he is going to point to the door, tell me the black stuff outside is the road, and then I will have nowhere to live. Or make life really really miserable for me. On several occasions, I came across my fanatical aunt talking about me to relatives/her friends. In Arabic, of course. I can tell a bit of what was said. I dont think I care anymore. Any care I have over it is because it isnt helping my case any, 'specially because people talk. And it all goes right back to my uncle and oh God I am in trouble. My uncle made me call my mom the other day, when he found out I never call her to just say I am doing ok. Of course, before he made me dail the numbers in front of him, and talk to her in his presence, he gave me a dissertaion about blah blah blah. *is pained* The aunt from NY pointed out that everytime my uncle walks in the room, I disappear. I didnt realize it untill she mentioned it. My subconciouse at work. -_- Heh. Whatever happens happens, I guess. Oh! I saw this guy the other night that looked so familiar, and I immediatly recognized him as a kid from the private school I used to go to. To be sure, I asked him if he went there. Yes he did. I asked him if he remembered a girl named Aleia in his class. Indeed he does. Ah ha ha. Things were a bit dissapointing from there on. I really dont feel like going there again. I applied online to a job working in the kitchen of a hospital. I really hope I get it. *crosses fingers* Did you know: An electric eel can release a charge powerful enough to start 50 cars. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.

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Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Softly singin' in the rain, smiling whilest tears are gently washed away.

In response to Azure's comment, I know he has good intentions. But I am more...able than what he believes. I know that for a fact, and the only thing I can do is prove him wrong. Or just up and leave, as there really isnt anything making me stay, per se. I would only alienate the only blood relatives I have, save my siblings, and for something so drastic, I would rather save for something not so petty, if neccessary at all. I feel pretty suffocated, but I guess that isnt the point. =\ The day right before I left, my fanatical aunt (my uncle is my dad's brother, and this aunt is my dad's sister) really let loose on me about stuff. Begining with how staying was good for me, I could stay in NJ, find a good Muslim guy to marry, settle close to here, have kids. I say that was the defining moment of...where things couldnt possibly get anywhere but worse. Especially after I said...stuff, and then she said stuff that was like a slap in the face. Including a lot of "Because you dont cover your face and arms, you are going to hell" thrown in, when it got to the religion part. For me, enough was enough when she said that all my problems would be solved, nothing bad would happen to me, if I covered, fasted, and prayed to God. I pointed out about my dad. He fasted, he prayed, he helped so many people expecting nothing in return, he is a good guy. Look where he is now. I was going to say more, but she started shouting, to be heard over my reasoning. It ended with me parking the car near the house, her ranting and raving in the backseat, and me getting out, telling her to lock the door when she was done. She got out, still ranting, and I snuck back into my car, and responsibly sped out towards the laundromat (where we were, previously). The way she threw her hands up in the air right as I left, I knew I was gonna catch something when I got back. I figured it was in her, to start up an angry rant in Arabic, the second she got through the door. And she did. Suprisingly, she was told off by my American aunts, for springing the subject of religion right after the sore news of school, and for making me wear the scarf to meet her friends, and the grief they give me, when they see me when she isnt making me wear it. My uncle quietly agreed, untill she said the part where I replied about how I hated guys, especially Egyptian ones, and that the Arab culture sucked. Then he got pretty angry. But his wife said I was right. She went off on some kind of list, begining with that Egyptian guys following the Arab culture generally have no tact...and the list goes on. Oddly, that calmed him down. ;;; When I got home, three hours later (Yes, it honestly took that long to wash my blanket. No, I wasnt in a hurry. <.<;; ) I expected some sort of ruckus to be about. I think the calm and silence scared me more, as it most certainly wasnt what I was expecting. I snuck in through the kitchen, where my two aunts explained to me what happend. I know my fanatical aunt didnt mean any harm by all that she said. No...well, maybe it was also that she kept saying "Aleia, habibti (an Arabic term of endearment, generally meaning dearest, my love), I love you and I dont want to see you burn in hell". Frankly, I had to keep myself from laughing when she kept saying it, and I find it a tad morbid that I find that funny, but I know what she means. I mention all that *points up* because things are a bit tense now. I get all anxiouse every time my uncle comes home, because I am afraid he is going to start up the religion thing with me. I know it is only a matter of time, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. A ticking time bomb. And there are times when situations are so quietly obviouse they practically scream in neon lights. *holds head in hands* Things could be worse, much much worse. Therefore, I am not complaining. Just...stressed. But honestly, who isnt? Interesting thing. Driving through Conneticut, I saw a sign about to get to Sacred Heart College, exit 24, and the words Sacred Heart made me think of Ben. Of course, I could be wrong about the name of his school, as I am all jumbly about my misinformation as of late, but yeah. =P For some reason, it is really hard for me to believe in a few short months, I will never be a teenager again. Like I am leaving behind a stage of sorts. The stage of...I dunno. ...Maybe more about that later. There is a lot about it I am still not sure of. Yesterday I checked out the book Farenheit 451. A very very good book. After I finished reading it, it was night, and left me in an odd contemplating mood, with many mixed feelings. I think I like it when a book does that to me. Then soon after, I started up To Kill A Mockingbird. I finally finished it around 1pm-ish today. *sighs* It made me wish I knew of these books long before. I recommend both to everyone litterate. *cough* Yeah... My aunt that lives in NY invited me to sleep over on Thursday, after everyone goes along for the big shopping trip planned. She kept saying she has a computer (I remembered) and internet (broadband). It made me sad, because I think she is lonely =\ So, yeah. Aleia will grace AIM with her presence Thursday evening. >:) Did you know: The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps?

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Monday, November 8, 2004

Tap dancin' on the roof, basking in the light of the full moon.

Yep. Password is officially changed, resorting to me applying for jobs online via the library and it's silly 25 minute internet timer. X_+ Hmm. Trip to New Hamshire went relativly well. Except some minor startling happenings concerning my friend's roommates, t'was pretty much ok. There is a peice of my car that lives somewhere in Massechusetts/Conneticut. >:) Yeah. Need to get that fixed. *cough* Got accepted into Hudson County Community College. I really really really dont want to to go there, but I am making myself compromise to a year there, to prove certain peoples wrong. I still cant believe one of the reasons I am not wanted to live on campus at the school I want to go to is because I am a girl. That is exactly what my uncle said, direct quote. *rwars* >:O Heh. Be easier to 'splain things, if I didnt have three minutes left. u.u I am not internet addicted, but I do miss talking to my friends. *pokes your forehead* Did you know Hawaii is the only state with one school district?

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Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Lessons learned

Ah haha. I am more 'weller' at this point in time, obviously. lol *cough* Hmm. As I was trying to say before, my mom's cousine's computer has some kinda filter, so I cant view HC's O. Nor Tori's. And some others, to think of it. It's all craziness, I tell you. I cant view archives, either, and I am dying of curiosity to what Shin was for halloween. <.<;; Ah well. I am not allowed on the computer at my uncles. Long tediouse story. If I do manage to be online there, it is from my magical stealth skills. Or pure luck. Whatever is handier. =) I finally went to Hershey Medical Center today, which is why I am staying with my mom's cousine, in PA (Ha, my mom doesnt know, but if she reads my O, I guess she does now, mhm?) They think I have something called Linear Morphea. The cause is unknown, there isnt much known about it, and it is uncurable. It affects all layers of the dermis, which means it can't be removed/starts deep. The only thing that can be done about it is to let it run it's course, which could be soon, or keep going for many many years. The doctor thinks it will be a while, at least, for it is extremely active. I am going to attempt to contain it where it is already, with topical medicines and stuff. Tisnt a cure, and it might not do anything, but it is worth a shot. I am ok as long as it doesnt go over my hip or my knee, as if it covers a joint, the joint becomes immobile. I am worried because it is so close to my hip, and it is going towards my knee. =\ But I always worry, so yea. Nuffin new. =P I am ok. I mean, I will live. All Linear Morphea does is make the skin it affects thinner, more sensitive, very slow to heal, dark shades [it all looks very yucky and ugly, and that sounds petty and vain =( ] I have it on my back as well, but I think that part is ok. It all started when I was 12, so, yeah. *shrugs* It could be worse. It could be cancer, which some doctors thought at one point, and I remember the crippling fear I felt from when they said that. *half smiles* And I learn all types of abuse run rampant and plentiful on my mom's side of the family. Heh. Like it is some sort of genetical inheiritence, to be prone to it. Today has been a very long day. But everything is ok. =) Edit: I had a feeling for quite a while that Bush will win. Do you honestly think he is going to let go so easily, when he wants to finish the mess he started? The way our Democracy works sucks. I look at yesterday and I feel like such an idiot. Heh. Good thing I cant use the internet at my uncle's, eh? I dont think I will be on for a long while, even if I could. Let things fade a bit, time for me to forgive my foolishness to a tolerable level. You know, the level where you finally stop berating yourself in your head. *raises eyebrow* Drugs are bad for you. *nods* All of them. 'Specially the socially acceptable kind.

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lol. i think it is funny that the content filter on here blocked me from seeing hc's o, for sexual content. more if i am able, and when i am weller

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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

*drags herself out of bed*

*mumbles sleepily* Uck. Being sick for so long is really really wearing me out. =\ *looks at bottom of O and grins sleepily* Mmmmm, art. *points* I think that was pretty good, considering I havent been able to draw since...since... Highschool. o.o;; *half grins* 5-6pm has been my bedtime, as of late. I feel like a geezer XD Sick = Energy sponge. Hmm. I think sleep is next on the agenda for today. *half grins* Asta luega, silly ducks. *pokes your forehead*

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Monday, October 25, 2004

So. I made my decision. Things are gonna happen, and it all depends on how my relatives answer. If they deny everything, I am in trouble. As are they. If they dont... I really hope they dont. *sighs* I can't do anymore, if they dont want to be helped, you know? *closes eyes and shakes head* Hmm. I am not going to be on much untill Saturday, where I will be on a lot of the afternoon, at my aunt's appartment in NY. =) Sunday, I am going to leave for PA, for a doctor's appointment at Hershey's Medical Center. And maybe, finally, doctors will know what the heck is wrong with me 0_o;; <.<;; Hmmm... Might swing over to where Sarah be. =D Yup. Lotsa stuff going down. And I leave you with....*gestures with hands* Ole! w00tness ^_~ I thank Shin for his help in hosting =)

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