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I think I am going to skip out on college. For now.
Actually, I have no idea what I want to do. I want to get away, but I dont know how, or where. My mom keeps telling me I technically dont have a car, as it is under her name. Even though I owe her lots of money for the insurance on the car, it is still her car. u_u
I fixed earlier said situation by calling in the monetary debt my brother owed me. I kind of forgot about it. I paid for his senior pictures a long while back (Since he was very very popular at school, his pictures cost almost more than five times what I paid for mine. And...to think of it...I never used them, my senior pics. Oh well, I think I only paid like $12.00 for a few copies to give to relatives.), lent lots of money for gas and such before.
I honestly wouldnt have minded him not ever paying it. Thats why I forgot about it, I guess. I hate feeling so hopeless and dependant.
I dont have money in the bank, but I guess after working the 40 hours they have for me this week will put a few dollars in the bank (Yeah, my mom is defidently going to make me make payments to her this time around)
I woke up pretty early this morning (7 am, I believe)
I didnt get to sleep until late, because I was fidgeting from anxiaty and whatever. I was so dead tired from work that even anxiaty couldnt keep me awake.
I went and took a nap around 9:30-ish, and had a freaky dream that made me think (Yes, and uh, a bit emotional something or other. Just be glad you didnt talk to me earlier). It included stuff that I had speculated and worried about, and was recently confirmed by my youngest sister. I told my mom to go talk to her, when the youngest sister told me. I watched in faint amusement, to see how she would explain away horrors to a little 10 year old, see how she was going to make everything better.
I didnt expect much.
And it is a good thing I didnt.
The middle sister scratched my Cure CD, so I cant listen to it.
She also lost her CD player. It has my Cold CD in it, wherever it is.
Of course, she took it without asking. She apologized for both the scratching incident, and the lost CD thing, but apologizing isnt going to fix either. I am not angry at her or anything, nor am I holding it on her.
I am just really really frustrated.
The other night I was listening to my music, while I was going to sleep.
When I woke up, all that was left of it was the headphones.
I practially ripped the whole bedroom apart 4 times, looking for it.
I still cant find it.
I really need music to go to sleep. It helps me avoid going certain places, places I now go in my dreams.
Ugh. I feel like a drug addict expiriencing withdrawl.
I think what I am dealing with is apathy. I dont care about Aleia anymore, about anything, dont want to care, couldnt care less, deadend inside.
I believe I am still bleeding, even though the sharpness is more of a dull throbbing type.
I am waiting for it to fully set in, for me to fully appreciate the wonders of it all.
I think
I could get used to it.
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