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In 12 hours, I will be on the train to PA. My stomach is wasting no time. It cut to the chase and is twisting itself into incredibly tight knots.
I haven't even gone anywhere yet. >:|
My brother...my mom....
All I can say is God help me.
Please.
Toda- I mean yesterday, I im'ed my brother, asking him if he could drive me to my mom's house tom- I mean, today, so I could give presents, pack my stuff into my car, say goodbye, and...leave Three Springs. I can't say forever, because no one knows what will happen.
I mean, I might come back someday and lay freakish half burned voodoo dolls covered in pins on a grave in the dead of night in the light of a bonfire, barefoot, wrapped in a white bedsheet, streaked with paint while I sing songs to the moon.
I said might. Stop looking at me like that.
<.<;;
So. As I was saying. I was going to get around to telling my mom I was coming today, last night. While me and my brother were talking online, my mom called him.
So he told her instead.
And I am kinda glad that he did, for she had a big fit.
She doesn't want me to come home today, because she says she needs to sleep early for work on Monday.
I am getting to PA 6:30 pm, if the train pulls a miracle and actually runs on time. I will be at my mom's house 7:30 pm, 8 the absolute latest. It wont take me long to pack.
The earliest she ever goes to bed for work is 9. By earliest, I also mean rarely. Very. Rare.
She wants me to come late Monday. I absolutely can't. I need the car for early Monday, so, whatever.
My brother told me all this stuff. He said he was still going to drive me up there anyways, going against what he just told her.
He is going to catch it too.
I wondered out loud if she would even let me in the house.
Right after I said that, out of the blue, he tells me no matter what she says, no matter what she does, keep your cool and be the more mature one. And leave as fast as you can.
Yeah, that unnerved me a tad.
Just a little.
Because the way he said it, it sounded like the scenerio was written in stone to happen.
I am only nervouse because if we argue and I take my car, I can very well get pulled over for auto theft. (The car is in her name, and she never ever lets me forget it.)
I dont quite look forward to getting that tacked into my criminal history. Might be hard to get, oh, I dunno, say, jobs with that following you around, attached as fast to you as your own shadow.
I am afraid of getting very hurt. In every possible way that can be taken is what I am afraid of.
And when I have been..like..this lately.
*curles up and whimpers*
I am very very grateful that my aunt has arranged things so that I am staying in a hotel.
....By myself. Alone. For three nights. Just me, myself, and I.
Ah. Yeah. I never did that before, gone for so long, so far away, all by..myself. Everything so unstable, unsure.
The only comforting thought is the town I am staying in is as familiar and comfortable as home. I have been in Three Springs for almost 9 years. I have been in and out of that town I am reffering to a billion trillion times, so even though it is about 45 minutes from my mom's house, it feels exactly like home, even though I never exactly lived there.
Feels like it, though.
One of the things I am going to miss is the....security.
For example, in Huntindon, Three Springs, general surrounding area, I can leave my windows all the way down with my keys in the ignition while I go inside, waite in line to pay for gas, and come back outside to no one having attempted to touch my car.
People here in NJ laugh/giggle insanely when I tell them that.
I have to start learning to distrust people and lock everything tight, no matter how many seconds you are gone.
And locking up tight doesn't even garentee you it is going to be in the same state of condition you left it in, let alone still in the same spot.
And my woods. My wonderful beautiful woods. The autumn smell, the amazing colors, woodsmoke, the cozy feeling of being (relativly) warm inside your house while looking at the beauty of it all.
Winter. Clean swirling snow. Perfect sparkling tapestries. Clean smell.
Spring. Mud. Planting. Fresh woodsy dirt smell, of things growing, leaves and flowers sprouting, warm breezes. Purple flowers on a certain kind of tree, forgot the name currently. (Iron tree?) Baby animals running about.
Outside life picking up speed.
Summer. Picking vegetables. Honeysuckle scented breezes. Soft sandy dirt; gentle whispering sweet smelling grasses coushion. Wild red and orange lillies, wild blue cornflowers, wild flowers in general. Smell of a certain root, reddish orange, people can take the bark and make tea. Night seranade of treefrogs and an occasional owl. Warm sweet tart berries.
Sunsets. Sunrises. Sunlight dancing through breeze fluttered leaves. Misty grey fog, covering everything like a thick comforting blanket. Wind moving through your clothes, your hair. Clean rain smell, clean rain feel upon my skin, soaking wet. Rain tip tapping steady rythmes on the roof, lulling music. Dew sparkling and glittering everywhere, magical. Like preciouse jewels glinting in the sunlight. Brilliant starlit skies. Falling stars; sudden bright streaks; amazing wonderful awed.
Just looking at the dense shady/dark woods, I get this mystical fairy tale feeling. It is the same feeling you get right after you read a kick arse fantasy book, like fairies and stuff can really happen, right over there. *points to the woods*
The city... is so bleak, grey, packed, closed up tight, clamoring, clanking, confusion, every person for themselves. Tough. Dirt film covers everywhere,no escaping it. Road rage.
I didn't even drive here yet and I already expirienced road rage. People here need to chill, take it easy.
I am convinced some people would drive better sedated. If that is possible.
I think I am in mourning. *sighs*
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