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All of my dreams as of late are very vivid and very...weird. They all involve a general dark feeling of impending doom/imminent fear/an extreme feeling of....desperation, methinks. The danger in the dreams are never seen, but always sensed.
And they all involve the beach or the ocean, in some way.
And the dark.
<.<;;;
When I made the chat on Sunday, some unexpected things became apparent, and it really pained me.
I really dont feel like going into it, because I am still really hurt. *bites lip*
I am afraid to persue answers, because I am afraid to be hurt more. I have a feeling it isnt a misunderstanding, either, from the way the person barely acknowledged me in the chat, and acted all dodgy and such. =\
And there is other stuff that I am stressing over. I talked to Erin and Charlie the other night, and it made me feel better. But lately I feel like I am so close to breaking, and I am really scared of what will happen if I am pushed past a cerain point. I am scared, because I really dont know what will happen.
I wish I was stronger, or something.
*whimpers* My self controle is wearing very very thin. =\
I mention it because I am feeling very trapped now, and it is making me feel desperate and crazy inside. Lots of restless energy >.<
Or like I am walking on a tightrope without a saftey net, and I am starting to get all dizzy and lose my balance.
I come back from my aunt's appartment in NY, to my fanatical aunt at my uncle's. She greets me affectionatly, and hands me a huge pile of books about religion, and how to better myself. She grins happily, and tells me they are for me, from her husband. Ah hah hah. I have a feeling there is more to it than that, but I dont really care.
What really got to me was when I overheard my uncle using me as an indirect bad example to his kids, when giving them some kind of dissertation to reinforce their religion.
He finished off by basicly telling them to not be like me.
>:|
Yeah, ignore it, I know. *makes a face*
I already figured my point of intolerance will be when he tells me I can't leave the house without my hair and arms covered. I hope that point never comes. u.u
My dad called the other night, and I almost cried because I was so happy. I hadn't heard his voice in 8 months, because of work and me moving out. I had written him a long letter about some superficial things going on with me, like the issue about my school, in an attempt to give him the allusion that I am confiding in him because we have a close relationship. I love him, but I cant tell him everything, as it would hurt him too much. I know he asks me to share with him everything, because he wants to try to make up for not being able to be there.
His reasoning was rather similiar to my uncle's, minus the sexism and tactlessness. That was a huge heavy dissapointment. I felt I lost my only possible allie in the scheme of things, concerning my uncle and my fanatical aunt, his brother and sister.
I have to do stuff myself, I guess.
*sigh*
And he asked me to explain to him the situation between me and my mom. He said he keeps asking her, and she would say she has no idea why I moved out, what's going on with me, ect.
My jaw dropped, and I almost let forth exactly what I thought of her *cencored* lying.
Of course, he wants me to explain to him everything in my next letter. I chuckled under my breath and told him what he wanted to hear, in Arabic, which basicly means something like "God willing".
Saying that gives me a lot of room to accidently on purpose to ommit it from future letters (What misunderstanding? Oh, that one! Sorry, I forgot about that. ^_^;;; )
I realized that whole conversation was the longest I ever had with him since I was 8. It lasted about 15 minutes-ish.
He isnt going to get anything about this situation from me. I have already done way more than I should have concerning this mess, so much responsability, while my mom runs around and makes things worse.
Eh. u.u
Last night, I woke up because my throat and tummy felt really bad. I went into the kitchen, to make some peppermint tea. My uncle woke, and walked zombie like into the kitchen. Found me there, and walked to the bathroom, then to bed.
When I woke this morning, he yelled at me about my nocturnal habits. (I slept a lot yesterday, as I was sick. Because he is hanging around the house a lot lately, he knew I woke at 12 noon, then slept again from 2-4pm. He thinks I am up awake all night, and sleep durning the day. He dissaproves. Even though I try to tell him the truth, he thinks his version is the only correct one, ignores me and walks away.) He then yelled about how somone called at 3am, and it was only one ring. He figured it was somone for me, and that I picked up after the first ring, which is how he figured the ringing stopped. The caller ID didnt give a name, only a number, but he swore (over and over) to God (in Arabic) that he was going to call Verizon and see who this person is, that called for me at 3am and disturbed his sleep.
I vainly tried to explain that I never heard the phone ring, as I was dead asleep. I was never expecting a phone call, and only two people I know know their house phone number. And why would I give people the house phone number, if I have a cell phone? But he is right as always, and continued yelling at me as he walked away.
*sighs and glares*
There is other stuff, but I dont wanna talk about it. I am still pretty confuzzled about those things to try to make it make sense to anyone else, much less.
Did you know:
A honey bee can fly at 15 miles an hour.
Alaska has the highest percentage of people that walk to work.
....And that last one would make a lot of sense, actually. <.<
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