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Yesterday, got a 20 page hand written letter from my dad, filled to the brim with all sorts of religious stuffs.
Oh yes stuffs. Stuffs I really don’t feel like going into, but makes me wish: A)The letter had gotten lost in the mail, B)I have real honest to goodness apathy and really couldn’t care less what anyone says, C)I know exactly the right way to go/thing to do, without looking back 50 years later and going "You know, at that critical point in my life, I should've did-" Or being in hell, and thinking something or other like that. What I would normally do is listen to how I feel inside, but I am too unsure to follow safely. All throughout the letter, there was the obvious undertone that if I abandon the religion, I am going to hell.
And what if he is right?
I can’t quite pinpoint what it is about Islam that I disagree with. I mean, the normal Islam, not the fucked up extremist way. I mean, I can’t- no, I can’t say because I don’t know. I don’t know what the reason is that I am leaving the religion. The only difference between how I am going to be living, and how I would with the religion, is some small detail that might be irrelevant and especially not for my family viewing, and the fact that I wouldn’t be praying/covering. That's all my poor hurting brain can think of, for now.
My poor head, honestly, it feels it is going to asplode. I so badly wish that I knew someone that knew everything, that knows how things will turn out if I choose to do this or that, and could tell me what to do and be right about it. I don’t think I care so much about being happy while I'm doing something, just so long that I am doing the right thing. I mean, it is much better to hate what you’re doing when it is the right thing to do, because the end result will pay out. I don’t want to do the wrong thing just because it is easier. But what I really want to avoid doing all together is hate how I'm living/what I'm doing, and it's the wrong thing to do anyways.
For me, family is a really big deal. I love my friends and siblings, I would hunt down and kill anyone who ever hurt them, or at least I would want to and end up comforting them and being there for them the best I can. Hey, I try to do the best I can when it comes to comforting and being there for them, so yeah. Heh, I include my good friends as family. For me, there's family, and then there's acquaintances. So even though my dad said stuff about me that completely changed the relationship forever, and I don’t feel towards him how I used to (I feel distant), for some reason, his “love” and approval (?) still mean something. Or other. I don’t know. I really don’t anymore, not tonight, and I doubt I will tomorrow. Unless some freakish miracle happens to me, my brain, or I magically meet that person I described above. =X
Oh yeah. He talked about how me not practicing the religion is creating a rift between me and the family I am staying with. He said if I didn’t start practicing the religion, I might not be able to go to college, because the family wouldn’t want me to stay with them anymore.
….Him saying that reminded me about how last time I was speeched by my uncle, he said something along those lines. He said about how he refuses to feed and house a non believer. He is serious; for renting the upstairs out, he makes sure they are of good Muslim faith. <.<;;
Stuff happened today that I might go into tomorrow, but my feet and body in general are very very sore. I cried when I took off my socks, it was that –not good. >.<
AOL is going to boot me off, and I can’t tell if I can’t stop crying because I am emotional because I just woke up, or what.
*hugs herself*
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