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Before I do anything, I wanna thank Alan and Hevn for the e-card, Godel for the cool Frenchness, and Sarah, Rustym, Shin, Azure, Ken and Sailor Otaku for the birthday wishes. =D
You know you are over somone who hurt you when you glimps a perfect oppertunity for revenge, to hurt them so badly for all they've done to you, and you dont want to take it.
But that might not necessarily mean you are over the pain that they've caused.
I dunno. Yesterday I woke up feeling kinda...bluh. Not quite to the "I feel like crap" stage, but I felt I was really coming close.
Went to English class a bit late. After I sat down, the teacher passed me back the homework I turned in last class. (I had been wondering what I had gotten on it, becuase I felt that I mighta gotten a B- at the most or something) She looked at me gravely and whispered "It was well worth the effort"
Inside Aleia's head: OMG I GOT A D!!! =( !111!!1 X_+;;;
Flipped to the back and saw she had given me an A.
Inside Aleia's head: ....!
Whenever we were in the computer lab, trying to do the assignment she gave us (About objective/subjective description, in case anyone is interested? <.<;; ), I was the last one lingering, becuase I had this huge writer's block, and I honestly couldnt think of a way to complete the paper without completely sucking/failing it miserably. The teacher commented on my writer's block that she doesnt expect anything as good as the last paper right after another. She just went on to say about how she rarely ever gives strait up A's like that, she thinks one other person got an A besides me; telling me how good I am in English and stuff.
*shrugs* For some reason, it kinda startled me. And none of this helped my mood any, I dunno why.
And then on to Math class, where the teacher sees me as some sort of idiot, honestly. It's not my imagination, how he talks to me condescendingly. He was talking about greater than/less than simbols. The girl that sits next to me was like "Oh no I hate these things they're so hard >:|" I told her it was easy for me, and explained that I imagined teeth in the >, and that they're kinda the mouths of monsters that are really really hungry and wanna eat what's bigger. Yeah, it is excrusiatingly painful to sit in that class, it's achingly dry and boring. I know most of that stuff in the book already. I think I got stuck in there because I panic on any sorts of math tests and stuff.
Anyways.
The teacher heard me, and abruptly stopped talking about the lesson. He was staring at me with this bemused expression, with his eyebrow raised and his lip curled.
Of course everyone was staring at me. u.u
After like half a minute, he shook his head and continued with his speeching.
*sticks out her tongue*
That guy, he has no imagination at all.
Because it was snowing so hard outside, we got out of there about half hour earlier than usual.
Walking in the snow was falling thickly, kicking up the snow drifts that were quickly forming, singing to myself, wind blowing my hair, seeing how the snow makes a dirty grey city look so clean and pretty, all this was lifting my mood greatly. I grinned when I noticed that my head was heavy with the amount of snow that had collected heavily in the curls in my hair, and my navy blue coat was now mostly white. Whatever it was that had me feeling all funny was gone. =D
I was about less than a block away from the house when this guy got out of his car. He had a paper in his hand and came towards me. In broken English, he asked me where this main street was. I pointed up the street, telling him to go strait, you cant miss it. It was then that I noticed he had a grip on my coat, and he made a clucking noise while brushing the snow off my coat. What alarmed me was that I noticed he only wanted to brush the snow off my chest and a bit off of my hair. I could tell from the way he was touching me, he was feeling me up. I wanted to leave, I really did, but he wouldnt let me go. It was then that I noticed that he had the passenger side door open of his car. With his other hand, he pulled out this huge wad of bills, full of really large bills and such. He motioned a $20 to me and then to the open car door, showing me the paper with the address. I kept telling him I cant go in his car, kept trying to pull away. He then took out some $100's, motioned them to me and then to his car, tuggin on my coat sleeve, and I kept saying no. This whole time, he kept "brushing" the snow off of my chest. I was afraid I was going to start to breath funny; this was all too familiar for my taste. He pushed a $10 into my hand and finally let go of my coat. In the split second that I used to try to regain my footing, he suddenly hugged me, and he was squeezing my chest with his one hand. I finally got away and just kinda dodged the cars going across the busy street (The cars coming through here just got off route 1 & 9, so they are a bit on the fast and reckless side). I briefly turned to see that the guy was watching me, to see where I was going. I walked quickly till I rounded the corner, then I broke into a run, and I felt this crazy insane rush, like he was chasing me and I had to GETAWAYGETAWAYGETAWAY, and he wasnt chasing me at all. I slammed the gate behind me and rang the doorbell like crazy; I didnt trust myself to fumble about for the keys, I was shaking too much to attempt to unlock 4 different locks with 2 different keys. My 7 year old cousin let me in, and I ran into the girls bedroom, locked the door and curled up in bed.
I didnt wanna tell anyone at first. I mean, come on, this is the same uncle that when anything regarding my past sexual abuse, he has a sorta smug look and says loudly over my voice that "It's just a story". I didnt even figure he'd believe me, let alone want to do anything. Not that there was really anything he could do, the police dont do much about that except write a police report, and the way the snow was blowing, I couldnt get his liscense plate number. Not that I was intent on getting it anyways, because I was concentrating on getting away fast without making him go psychotic and violent on me. =X
But uh, my aunt, I kinda blurted it out to her, and I couldnt stop crying. She kinda panicked a bit, telling me that she's never walked outside late at night, she never knew what it's like, that I am to always take a taxi if it's even a little dark. The 15 year old cousin was acting sweet, offering for me to take his pocket knife and keep it in my coat, stuff like that. He went and called my uncle, who didnt pick up but called back in a few minutes. My aunt put me on the phone, to try to explain to him what happend, and he said he'd be home in 10, 15 minutes.
*half grins* He came back about 45 minutes later, of course.
I explained to him what happend, and he interupted me to ask if the guy physically tried to make me go in his car. I said no, and he concluded that it could have been much worse, dont even bother filing a police report, that this scenario is a normal part of living near the projects in Jersey City.
And that was that.
I couldnt sleep till much later last night. I couldnt stop thinking. I mean, I know I am going to be ok, I know everything could have went so much worse than it did, but I still couldnt stop shaking and randomly crying. Like right now. <.<;;
But it kinda suddenly occured to me while I was thinking, if this had happend to one of his own daughters, he would have handled it much much differently, I know he would have. He might have gotten angry that some guy wouldnt let his innocent daughter go, kept feeling her breasts and offering her money to go into his already open car door, in a place less than a block away from home and yet not a soul on the sidewalk for what felt like miles around, the only people passing by in the twilight were in cars rushing by.
He might have gotten just a little angry. But how am I different from his daughters? He knew me when I was 5 and 7, the age his daughers are now.
Sometimes I think maybe some of my relatives actually do care about me, and then stuff like this happends and I wonder what the hell I was even thinking.
And this, what happend last night, it was only around 5:45 when it happend, not 9:45, like it would be tonight, had my aunt not given me money for a taxi.
I think now it isnt a matter of wanting to leave Jersey City, it's that I have to. I really really cant stay longer than the semester here, no way.
I really really need a job >.<
Mhm. Like I said, I know I will be ok in a bit, just not right at the moment. I feel a bit like how I used to, deeply hurt inside, violated, damaged, when this had always happend to me before, but I feel now that I am much stronger, I can deal with it, that I am a different Aleia than I was back then. *smiles*
...I just need a hug, I really do. *cries*
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