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The other day my mom came home from work, and out of nowhere asked me what I ate that day. I wasn't feeling well at all, and I told her so. She asked me again what I ate, and I told her what (little) I had...
She then launched into a freaking huge speech about how starving myself was not the way to go for weight loss. I kept insisting I know, I know, I am not... but she wouldnt listent to me....
*sigh* -.-
Later that night, I was going through my old cd's, and I heard a song that I used to play repetively all the time. I think I was trying to escape pain and lose myself in the song. It worked sometimes, but more often that not, it didn't. Listening to the song brought back alot of really painful memories. Like just months ago, when I was still in highschool, I had gotten into a really bad cycle of starving myself, losing self controle, binging, then making myself throw up. I always felt better after I threw up, like I had outsmarted an enemy, or like I had made myself better. I think things got worse when I was going this during track season. I mean, I wasn't the best person on the track team, but people noticed when I didn't do anything in practice for a few days in a row. I honestly felt that if I did more than pretend, I would pass out.
So, in my pretending game, I didn't eat breakfast or supper. I binged at lunch, so I would fool my friends and my brother. After lunch, there was about 7 minutes between after lunch and the 5 period bell (because the Vo-Tech kids got their lunches and left at that time)
During the 7 minutes, I would grab the books I needed for the rest of the day, run to the bathroom, and made myself lose my lunch. Then I would go next door to art class with Heath, which is what I had right after lunch. No one knew anything, and no one could guess.
Untill after a long story short, my friends made me eat half a sandwich, and I couldn't get time enough to go to the bathroom and find it empty. There was a track meet soon that day, and I missed two out of three of my events, because my stomach couldn't handle the small amount of food I had put in. There was people in the bathroom, and they went and told the stupid coach, who made the trainer check my temp, which was in the normal range. He then concluded what I was doing, and threatend to tell the school guidance councelor, who would tell my mom and report me to a mental hospital. He said he wouldn't tell if I stopped what I was doing, and went to "normal." I promised him I would ammend my ways, and made an inner reselution: Never, ever get caught again.
In my senior year, we had a school trip to Washington, DC. I remember I was in that cycle then, and I remember feeling so lonely, so sad.
"She lay slumped in the darkest corner of her mind, with an eternal expression of utmost sadness on her delicate face. Her eyes have a deep pained vacant look, while her heart shed empty bitter tears"
When a person is deep in depression, they percieve almost everything in the world differently than how a normal person would. They imagine their friends abandoning them, they imagine that no one cares. The pain they feel is very very real, though....
I remember the overwhelming agonizing mental (stress of school and everything I was keeping secret and secretly doing), physical (starving, cutting), emotional (no one cares) pain I always felt. The worst part is, I am not sure anyone can completely get over everything.
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