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I...I thought I was ok, but I guess I am not. I just had a panick attack or whatever they are called, and I feel so drained. I was just sitting at the computer thinking about things, talking to somone on AIM, when all of a sudden I shuddered and started to hyperventalate. Tears were streaming down my face, my hands were getting ice cold, my face was tingling, I was struggling to breath while sobbing uncontrolably...
When I woke up, my face was tingling, my throat felt like after I had an asthma attack, my hands were splotchy purple and white, my shirt and my face wet from tears, and the person I was talking to on AIM was gone.
My heart is shattered into so many little peices, it can never be put back together again. The shards cut and burn when I try to pick them up. I feel so broken, so defective. I want to run away, and I know now I am able, I have nothing holding me back except me. Nothing is keeping me here, no expectations, no chains, just me. I want to run and run untill I can't move another muscle, untill I can't breath, untill I pass out. When I come to, I want to run, run untill I find the place where no one can hurt me ever again, where I can be happy and feel safe...
I don't run because I know such a place doesn't exist. It never will, as the one thing I wish for the most is the dream of a simple minded innocent girl living in the harsh reality of life.
I finally stopped bleeding, and I am going to go clean up the mess. |
