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I am not in the greatest of moods. I am not done beating myself up about stupid silly things, like my appearence and other...stuff. I...need to do something, I can't stay the way I am. I dont know what to do..I feel like I am running around franticly with my eyes closed X_+
There was a point where I honestly thought about deleting my O....I realized anything I would have to post would be useless pathetic dribble. An excuse for people to openly pity pathetic Aleia. To expose how truley vulnerable I am, how broken, how defective.
Why do I think I am so stupid? How can I logicly invest so much emotion into somone who deftly causes me so much heartbreak, so much confusion? I blindly continue investing my whole self and letting my feelings deepen and grow, while I watch as my heart cracks and crumbles painfully.
I wish I was strong. I wish I could fix things so I am not in so much emotinal pain that it feels physical, pitifuly struggling and sinking like a dead weight in sadness. I guess I appear strong, as just appearing strong helps people I attempt to help. I am glad of that, glad that they dont know the reality of me, how I see myself, how I really am.
Untill now, at least. -.- |
