Wednesday, January 12, 2005

sry
sry to everyone who thought i was dead or something. ive been kinda preoccupied...pied...anyhoo, ill try and post more and i gotta fix my freakin bg, it never stays. okey dokey then...JOKES!!!

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.
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Ya gotta love the Irish!!!

"Personal ads" in the Dublin News

Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancie, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
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The village blacksmith was breaking in a new apprentice. He told him, "I'll take the hot horseshoe out of the fire. When I nod my head, begin to hammer on it."

And that is how the apprentice became the new village blacksmith.
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Excuses For Sleeping At Work

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''

2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''

1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

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Tuesday, January 4, 2005

   These r funny!
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"
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One-Liners

I've always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I certainly never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread, and mayonnaise

If you cannot hear a pin drop, you are a lousy bowler.

If you sign a paper with an X, and then change your mind, how do you X it out?

If I can lose just 20 pounds, I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be up to...
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Why computers and toddlers are alike

1) They have limited memory

2) You must tell them specifically what you want them to do

3) You must repeat instructions several times

4) There is no guarantee they will do as you want them to

5) They lose things

6) Adding items can be difficult

7) Networking is unpredictable and problematic

8) They throw temper tantrums
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Signs Your Police Partner Needs a Vacation

* He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

* He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

* He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

* He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

* He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

* He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

* He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

* The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

* Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

* He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
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The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an azzhole.
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Top New Year's Resolutions for the computer addict

10.I will try to figure out why I need all those separate email addresses.

9.I will stop checking my email at 3am, 4:30am is much more practical.

8.I will answer my snail~mail with the same enthusiasm as my emails.

7.I will think of a password other than password.

6.I will stop sending email and instant messages while simultaneously on the phone with that person.

5.I will work with neglected children~ my own!

4.I will stop emailing questions to my other half when I can just walk downstairs and ask.

3.I will try and see my family and friends instead of just emailing them.

2.I will try to laugh out loud once in a while instead of saying LOL.

1.I will spend less than one hour a day online, Well, no more than two......OKAY.......five... max!
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People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?
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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
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thats all for now but i have more!
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Friday, December 24, 2004

   cool
HEY, anyone ever play Zone of the Enders for PS2? thats one of the most kick ass games ive ever seen, anyone who hasnt played it must buy it, and anyone who has played it tell me ur favorite Orbital Frames. mines Jehuty, Anubis, and Neith.
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Monday, December 20, 2004

SNOW
woooooohhhhhhooooooooooo!!!! it finally snowed hear! so im gonna sit around freezin my ass off and wait till the snow gets higher. and play video games and watch TV of course. ill try to post more often too cuz i havnt posted that much lately. i have a million jokes now too....MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...OINKhahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. yall come back now ya hear
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Tuesday, December 7, 2004

this is a funny pic
http://www.top-greetings.com/news/4/12/checkmate.jpg
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