Sunday, December 5, 2004

   TOILET SEATS!!!!!!!!
pay no mind to the subject. hey i have jokes for ppl read and i luv this first one cuz its so basic and to the point. hope u enjoy.


A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor said, "Well, don't go there any more."
====================================================================

I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:

"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."
====================================================================

not too many....poopy
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Wednesday, December 1, 2004

   ????
hey 5 ppl deleted their gb signing from my site. is my site not good enough? hehe. but anyhoo, the ppl who did that, mind tellin me y?

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   HEY
well im back on. i wasnt able to get online for a while cuz my whole harddrive was dumped. I had a little over 76,000 virus's on my comp!! too bad i couldnt jack in and delete them *wink*. then we did a rescan when that was done deleting them and we had 110,000 virus's some how!!!!!!!!!!! but anyhoo well im back and i noticed im not very popular still *crying*. no new pm's, no new comments, and no new gb signings, nothing......
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Thursday, November 18, 2004

   funny stuff
hey all, sry i havnt been on in a while, ive been occupied. i got some funny crap for u to read hope u enjoy.

DIETING ONE-LINERS

There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner.

Food wisdom: Relish today, Ketchup tomorrow.

When you're at table, it's not the minutes that make you fat, it's the seconds.

Is a diet wishful shrinking?

Seen on a tee-shirt: "Instant Human. Just add coffee."

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.
------------------------------------------------------------

This is a list I got off usenet where someone wondered what kind of messages a wordprocessor would give when exiting without saving the file if the programmer was of one of various Christian denominations:

Non-sectarian: Do you wish to Save your work?

Roman-Catholic: Registry indicates user is female; only males are allowed to Save.

Anglican: Your work may or may not be Saved

Lutherian: If you don't follow the instruction manual, don't expect your work to be Saved.

Mennonite: Document contains the word "dancing"; it cannot be Saved

J. Witness: You are user 144,001; your work cannot be Saved

Mormon: Could we interest you in saving your work?

Millenarian: It is almost to late to Save your work

So. Baptist: If your work was not Saved, it is because you are evil.

TV Preacher: This program has made mistakes in the past, but it will try to Save *this* file.

Born-again: Before Saving your work, this proram will erase all existing data. Proceed?

Faith healers: If you believe your work will be Saved, it will be Saved.
-----------------------------------------------------------

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."

-----------------------------------------------------------

that last one i like a lot.
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Thursday, November 11, 2004

   morning
hey everybody, its thursday morning and im tired. my room is about 20 degrees, and u can assume my ass was freezing. im gonna go get some toast, c ya
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Thursday, November 4, 2004

   HEY there
well i dont have much to say so ill just say i dont have much to say. they finally released Twinsanity so i gotta get that, i luv Crash games. there is plenty of other games that i want but crash is one of the first. anyhoo, if anyone ever hears of a "Super Smash Bros. Melee" contest somewhere, PLZ TELL ME OR KEVIN129. we must enter cuz we will rule
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Sunday, October 31, 2004

   this is cool
I found info on the origins of Halloween. its true too.



"""Hallow" is an old word meaning holy, whilst "e'en" is Scottish for evening.

It is an old Halloween tradition for females to peel an apple in front of a candlelit mirror. If an unbroken rind is achieved then the image of the future spouse is supposed to appear in the mirror.

In days gone by, people feared the coming of Halloween. They believed that the spirits who walked the earth on this day were capable of possessing their bodies. To discourage them, they darkened their houses to make them appear as cold and unwelcome as possible. Donning all manner of frightening dress they rowdily took to the streets in an attempt to scare the spirits off.

The history of "Trick'O'Treating" can be traced back to the early celebrations of All Soul's Day in Britain. The poor would go begging and the housewives would give them special treats called "soulcakes". This was called "going a-souling", and the "soulers" would promise to say a prayer for the dead. Over time the custom changed and the towns children became the beggars. As they went from house to house they would be given apples, buns, and money.

During the Pioneer days of the American West, the housewives would give the children candy to keep from being tricked. The children would shout "Trick or Treat!

"Trick or Treat" originated in Britain where it was first known as Mischief Night.

The ancient Celtic fire festival called "Samhain" (pronounced sow- in) is the origin of modern Halloween. This festival was the feast of the dead in Pagan and Christian times, marking the close of harvest and the initiation of the winter season.

In Mexico Halloween is known as Los Dias de los Muertos (the day of the dead). However, it isn't a time of sadness but one of great rejoicing. At this time of year the Monarch Butterflies, which have summered up north in the United States and Canada, return to Mexico. They are believed to bear the spirits of the dearly departed and are warmly welcomed home.

Black cats are a symbol of Halloween because it was once believed that souls could travel back into the world of the living in the body of an animal - usually a black cat.

The name witch comes from the Saxon term wica, meaning wise one.

In Ireland, wealthy landlords used to distribute gifts of food to their poorer tenants at Halloween. When the potato crop failed the Irish who moved to America in droves are thought to have introduced Halloween traditions to their new homeland.

Halloween is believed by some to be the time when the dead and other demonic creatures rise to walk the earth once more.

Long long ago bonfires were lit to scare off the supernatural creatures that struck fear into superstitious hearts.

If a candle flame turns blue, it means a ghost is in the house.""

HALLOWEEN IS ACTUALLY A HOLY DAY. ISNT THAT SO UNEXPECTED!!?? gehe
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   cool
hey i got this, wind, and thunder, im all of them.


I am unsure about the Spiritual Element that
dominates you for it is that of Shadow...You
are the sibling of Darkness, Evil in its most
sinister form...You, however, are the purer
version of Darkness, without pain, without
suffering, and without hatred. You are quiet
around others and can be very serious when it
isn't nessessary. Your friends are what keeps
you happy and on the side of Good. Beware
Shadow Master, for Evil has many plots in your
way that may tear you limb from limb inside
your passionate soul...They do this, knowing
that you may become Darkness itself, turning
you against the ones you love.(E.M.E: Look away
from your problems and at the ones you
love...They are there for a reason.)


What Spiritual Element Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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   Happy Halloween!
Have a great Hallow's Eve to all u ppl that celebrate it. i dont know wut im goin to do taday, but i just woke up (11:00) and am totally bored! any ideas, anyone,...anyone...i guess ill just sit here drinkin Hi-C until my friend Ben calls back. his username here is Benjymon its sorta new but he never goes on cuz he doesnt have a comp. ANYWAY, im just blabbin on about nothing, so i can waste ur time. annoyin aint it. o well HAPPY HALLOW"S EVE!!!!
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

   THIS IS GREAT
Badass Australian Cows

True story.

I was in grad school in Sydney, living on campus. There were two Danish guys in the dorm, Mike and Lasse, who had kept in contact with some Danish girls who were going to another university out in the sticks, around dairy and emu farms. Since I didn't have any family around, and had no money to fly home for the holidays, they were nice enough to invite me to their little Scandanavian Christmas.

Things started out great. I was the only non-Dane in the room, but everyone was so nice, I was really starting to feel welcome. Then they prepared the Gluck.

If you don't know what it is (as I didn't then), let me explain: Gluck is a traditional Danish holiday drink made from hot wine, but there are spices and nuts and rasins and shit in there too. I guess you have to have been raised on it, because I could barely choke it down. But since I was a guest, I did my best to smile and swallow. I drank entirely too much of it. ENTIRELY too much.

Later on that night, after everyone was a bit lopsided, the American bashing started. Not mean spirited, or anything, but needling just the same. You know, things like, "Why do you love war so much?", "Why are Americans so fat?", and "What makes you think cow tipping is so funny?"

I was trying, without much effort or success, to defend myself. I explained that I didn't think cow tipping was particularly funny, and that I had never actually been cow tipping. So of course Mike and Lasse start screaming, "Let's do it! I want to see an American tip a cow! That would be funny as hell!"

I said F*ck no, I'm not tipping a cow, but everyone was really into it, and Mike and Lasse said that they'd go with me and tip as well. In my drunken mindset, it started to make more and more sense to me, so I reluctantly said Okay.

So we went out into a field that has maybe six or seven cows in it, and Goddamn if Mike didn't pick out the f*cking biggest cow. He said, "Tip that one. Just walk up to it an push it over." Are you f*cking kidding me? The cow must have weighed 500 pounds. There was no way I was going to just push it over. I said as much to Lasse, and he said, "Okay, get a running start."

Well all right...that made much more sense...I got about 50 feet away from the cow and took off. I got up a good head of steam, and ducked my shoulder at the last minute for the best impact. I even aimed high for the best leverage possible.

Lessons learned from that experience:

1. Cows are f*cking heavy.

2. Cows are f*cking hard as rocks.

3. I am f*cking stupid.

I just about fractured my clavicle, and the cow shuffled over about half a step and walked off, leaving my stupid, drunk ass whimpering in the mud. The rest of the cows woke up and sort of wandered off. Mike and Lasse were pissing themselves in laughter. I picked myself up off the ground and resigned myself to taking the walk of shame back into the house.

As we were walking back, we passed a Momma cow and her little calf. I don't know anything about animal husbandry, but I guess the calf was maybe a year old. Cutest little thing. Mike pushed the calf over. He didn't say anything, didn't look to Lasse or myself for approval, just suddenly pushed him over. And started laughing like a lunatic.

The Momma cow freaked out. She gave a scary ass cow scream, which I had never heard before and hope to God in heaven that I never hear again. Jesus Christ, I nearly shit myself. I had no idea that a cow could make a horror-movie scream like that. Then the cow charged. F*ck, you never saw three drunks run like that. Suddenly, I remembered a joke from my childhood. Something about running from a hungry bear: I don't have to be faster than the bear, I just have to be faster than you.

Lessons learned from that experience:

1. Cows are f*cking scary fast.

2. Drunk people can't run.

I was clearly in the lead, running back toward the fence. I hopped nimbly over (har har) and promptly spewed all over myself. Purple fluid, nuts and raisins came shooting out of my mouth like the pie eating contest in "Stand By Me". It was evidently quite spectacular.

Mike came over next, but it was obvious that Lasse wasn't going to make it. I guess he thought he was being chased by a bear, because he decided to fall down and play dead, but it was clear the cow wasn't to be had so easily. She stopped, rolled Lasse over with her nose, and started sniffing him. For a minute I thought his ruse was going work. Then the calf trotted over, and I swear, with God as my witness, monkey-stomped Lasse in the nutsack. Then the Momma and baby just walked away. Lasse projectile vomited in a fashion very similar to my own. Mike and I stood there, open- mouthed, disbelieving.

We never spoke of the incident again.

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