Tuesday, August 24, 2004

'Mu ray? What the hell is a mu ray?' [Kauter; Physics Mistake 01]



Golly gee whillickers Batman, isn't Liam wasting his parents time and money?

Ah. The gloss and glamour of teenage academic hope and aspirations quaver and melt away in the face of real work.

I'm only passing Math B because Mark has the time and inclination to help me.

How the hell am I going to pass my Uni courses when I'm truly alone?

Something obviously went wrong with me. Both my parents get 7's on their Uni assignments.

I can barely remember what happened in a lesson, let alone write assignments.

My physics study is abysmal. All of it goes straight over my head and I can't even understand my own notes.

The same with Math B. As soon as I work on something new, I attempts the previous stuff and it doesn't make any sense. I get lost trying to revise my notes.

English is crap. I can't write a decent assignment to save my life. My decent marks are all from group orientated stuff. Jess is right, I am cheating by being in the 'A' group. I only get good marks because I'm with the good people.

I feel like such a child. The only subject I'm comfortable with is Ancient, and lord knows it's a fluke I'm doing average in it.

Every one of my lessons, in any subject, I sit there and get nothing from it. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I copy, I try to understand, but I keep running into the wall.

Every time I try to use my head, I get really, really painful headaches. I'm finding myself grinding my back teeth, my acne is atrocious, and I'm even catching myself holding my breath.

It's all stress related, but my head is just a pink cloud of fuzzy naivety.

Not to mention I keep having this unwelcome thoughts flying through my head. They keep tripping me up. I never had this problem before, ever.

It'd be so much easier if I just stood up and left this class

That one is a common one. Cue violent daydream in which I pick up my textbooks and proceed to smash every window by hurling them through the glass.

If I just walked out of that window, I wouldn't need to bother with this anymore. The state of mental degredation I'm in probably wouldn't even register the difference

Wow. Two storey drop.

What's the point? This is all my fault. I can blame the X amount of emotionally trying incidences that have afflicted me this year, but that isn't going to win me anything. I bloody suck, and it's about time I registered myself as a pernament hermit, mooching off my parents and never leaving the computer screen.

Hasn't that one cropped up a lot. Feelings of intellectual inadequacy love to hang out in my head.

The funny thing about all of this is that another of the dominant thoughts is that I'm letting this all happen. I keep thinking that I'm deliberately holding myself back so I can get a sympathy prize.

It's all so plausible, but why the hell would my subconscious do that?

What sympathy prize?

I got nothing.

Woo. I read, I'm pretty witty, but I'm barely university material. I'm emotional, and all this year it has become increasingly easy to be shunted into a low.

My feelings of inadequacy are completely my own creation. My mother keeps on insisting on hiring a tutor to help me with my physics.

What's the point?

I've received instruction from my teacher, four seperate classmates and all of it has been fruitless.

Guilt.

I should have gone to Mt Lofty.

Enough of my parents sparse amount of money has been wasted on me, why should they keep on spending more?

I'm getting nothing out of this experience.

It's affecting me so much, and yet I'm doing nothing about it. From both ends of the spectrum, it's my fault.

I know I can do better, I know I can reach this hill, but every time I try, try harder, try again...my brain freezes up and I end up with a migraine.

I have so much unrequited pure rage inside of me that it scares me.

For all this bloody stress, it better turn out to be brain cancer or something.
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