Wednesday, February 22, 2006

'Could you just do me a favour? Just-just step on my head and squish me'
Actually, how about you just read this instead? I've had four hour's sleep and am quite grumpy. This does nothing to resolve the situation. All my cards are on the table, unobscured, but she insists on ignoring what I've said and incorrectly interpreting plain truths.

Yes yes. I over utilise my vocabulary when I'm frustrated or feeling a trough/peak emotionally. I'm terribly sorry. I have a...unique...turn of phrase at certain points that is somewhat slow to understand.

"For starters, use words that I could somewhat understand? Not everyone has the same high vocabulary as you." [Quote unedited]

Right, right. Sorry. I'm ever so far above my plebian counterparts. I try to throw a scerrip of a scrap as a perambulate early in the evening. How was I not to know caviar is unpalatable?

Look, guys, I'm sorry but words cannot describe my frustration. Picture this, me growling from the back of my throat with both my fists punched and clenched high above me, that's my stress level.

She contradicts herself so often that I'm just letting it get to me. I'm not even attempting to sift her email, to see if there are any nuggets of new thought or an actual point [perish the thought!], anymore.

Every time I read this email it just makes me want to shout through a megaphone at her house, "WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT IS YOUR POINT? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN THOUGHTS?"

Honestly, I just need to teleport you all over here so you can read over my shoulder and guage the rage. I could break her entire email up and post it here, with my own notes and cross-references to the "*ARGH!*" and incorrect assumptions. [Assumptions that are superflous as I said my true thoughts in my email. Yet she keeps assuming I was thinking something else. That's what you get with me, I'm sorry. The truth. AGH!]

See? This whole email asserts my reasons to me why I broke up with her. She just doesn't understand. From reading her email it's as though that this email is simply too well engineered to have such throw-away comments that infuriate me.

I would liken this bit of mail to a web forum troll, but I don't think Karen would purposely do this.

Maybe she was too blinded by tears to read what I said [Note: AGH! GRAH! NNGH!..thankyou].

Also, she's said this before, though this time [for the first time in a long while] had me tearing up. It was just devastating to me that I could do that to someone.

And then a little voice in my head politely points out that "Oh, excuse me Liam. Sir, you see here? Your relationship had no actual depth enough that could possibly cause such devastation to someone. Unless they automatically invested all of their emotional eggs and hopes and dreams into one basket. Oh wait, that's happened before right? Ah yes. You seem to be looking at me funny sir. Sir? I don't like where you-!"

*sigh*

I deliberately didn't invest anything until I knew my feelings were true, and void of any hormonal influence [see: lust!].

Right. Right. On a tangeant. The quote:

"You seem to have gotten over me already...And that's what I'm confused about. I mean we just spent the last 5 months in a relationship and you don't even seem upset? And I don't feel I'm demonising you? I just want to know what was going through your head? I spent all Saturday night crying and I even cried myself to sleep and all Sunday morning crying because it had ended. (I didn't go to Conference, mum said I could stay home because I couldn't even speak without crying) All because I was hurting and confused as to why it had ended?

I have never Loved, Hurt nor Cried so much in my life. And I hope it doesn't happen again."

[Emphasis added]

Right. There it is. Shall I commit seppuku just so you'll feel better? I know it will make me feel better. Ultimate sacrifice so I don't need to continue receiving emails from you asking questions of my answers to your first set of questions.

They're answers. Do not question answers. They are concise. They don't need another twenty emails of discussion!

We broke up. You told me to delete you from my phone.

Do not hassle me with this!.

I deal with my emotions very, very differently from other people. We know this [those that know me irl], it's who I am. I informed you that I am complex for reasons I can't [and now blantantly refuse] disclose.

Also, now [despite prior confirmation from her] she is blatantly denying anything she ever said to me about her problems with our relationship. Apparently this now all revolves around me not telling her how I felt about her [Hey wait! I did that! Ages ago! What do you want? A daily update? Here's news, you have now crossed over to mild irritant], and not that I..oh just forget it.

I'm now too angry to even discuss any actual thought I had prior to receiving this email.

For the love of all that is good and happy in this world, why must you do this? Am I suckered to your leg or are you clung to mine?

I have a very, very apt sense and respect for women [see: "saviour complex"]. I'll never, ever, get over this until I've fixed you and helped you. Currently the only way to fix you is by removing my self. Or continually re-explaining myself in an endless loop for the rest of my life. [see: "404"].

I just just cut loose and respond to this email with.

"That's great. I don't care anymore, yay!"

<(x.X)>

Or, better yet; "I've just realised something. Nothing I say will ever resolve or help you. You're right. Some problems can only be fixed by you. I broke up with you [SHUT UP! IT'S OVER! AUGH!]<[x.x<] and I am dealing with it my own way."

"Oh and PS: I'm blocking your email. Feel free to delete me from yours" >[x.X]>

Guys.
Something.
Anything.
Just alleviate me.

Breaking up with her was the solution, I know that now. My parent's advice [from a while back] was to just let her run her own course and resolve it. How can I just let her alone, and ignore her emails? I have a very dominant saviour complex. I've got to fix everyone who is close to me. Even if they aren't any more..

...I could just ignore her actually. If she asks, I can simply say, "There's nothing left to say."

[That would result in me crushing her spirit even further, resulting in another email [[wait, why didn't she just say all of this to my face? Bah. Not going there]]...I over analyse far too much..]


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