Monday, May 15, 2006

Like a metabotropic receptor for your love
Okay, well that was fun! I'm going to avoid being overly sarcastic and bitter over all of this. Quite frankly, I'm feeling very low in spirit and incredibly overwhelmed. I'm not going into detail until I have the time [June. Ha.], but let's just say that Liam is less than chipper over the prospect of going to jail for six months. Especially when friends make light of that fact. Okay, understandably they were trying to get me to laugh. Complaint discounted. I need to lighten up.

Couldn't sleep last night, my head was going a million miles an hour, most of it with me hanging on the back and screaming at the top of my lungs because my seatbelt snapped and I'm hanging on with my fingertips and I'm pretty sure the last restroom was back on Earth.

...o rly?

Anyhow. I'm on hiatus. I feel guilty about not posting here frequently, and that's something I don't want myself to be subconsciously stacking on top of the pile of reasons why I suck and have problems.

Don't ask or trivialise this. It was a very, very interesting night last night.

Stress to the max!

I don't know about PHT. It'll still be there. I'll put something up eventually. Don't hold your breath, I'm cutting off everything. I'm very frazzled, and I certainly doubt I'll be up to implementing any of the ideas that I scribbled into my notebook.

I'm just letting you guys know that I love you all, but don't be surprised if I vanish for a long while. I may comment when I get the time [or my iron fist of 'you need to study!' slackens], but I'm aiming to chill out and regain my genuine happy-go-lucky attitude.

I've been running on autopilot for a very long time, and it honestly scares me how little I feel. I lost the ability to distinguish true feelings from my self-engineered autopilot. The machine finally popped a sprocket and...well...lets just say that, while I was trying to doze off last night, I had a mild panic attack that left me immobile and trapped inside my own head for I don't know how long. It was like my self doubt and worries were on infinite loop...and solidly compounding in my head with the voracity of the proverbial tenacious ferret up the scotsman's kilt.

[I'm full of odd analogies. I apologise]

It's funny. I sort of got that good at living behind this mask that people had no idea what's going on inside my head. Mark dropped past work the other week, having not seen me in ages, and automatically picked up that something was wrong. Cue moment where he sort of poked at the dam of existential angst and came out floating on a rather bemused raft.

At the end of it, betwixt various customers, he basically said that I had some serious unpleasantness and shouldn't worry about being emo over it.

Well. That's not a direct translation, his words were more colourful and with much more emotion, but I wanted a general gist up here because it's easier to remember.


So yes. Woo.

I'll see you in a couple months.
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