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• Valerie

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myOtaku.com: lilvalchan


Friday, February 23, 2007

Longing for my father....
I am missing my dad today.

I don't know what sparked it, but I have been thinking about him since last night. I had a few dreams about him, and in one of them he gave me a huge hug.

I wish I had utilized all the moments we had together before he died. I really wished I had said something better than "I'll see you later, Dad." because I honestly thought he wasn't going to die that night I saw him at the hospital.

There are SO many things I could use his help on right now, and so many words I could stand to hear. A little happy, and non-angry support would be nice. I often think of life at dad's house.

I came home to a warm, happy, and very stable environment. Sure dad had low health, but we were never in danger of losing our house, electricity, or food...(and if we were I don't want to know....).

Dad and I used to do a lot of stuff together. We watched star wars, and Lord of the Rings. I remember I would sit on the floor and look up to his big leather chair he used to sit in, and we would have talks about things for hours and hours He always had the best advice, and he was never angry, or condescending to me as a young adult.

I could really use that now...

But it seems as the time passes on, and seasons change, and life keeps going.. nothing I do or say or feel will bring my father back. All I can do is wait to have a dream of him, or just relax to perhaps find meaning in life.

The more I dwell on it, the more I know he wouldn't want me the way that I am sometimes. I may be mature for my age... but I have a long way to go...

He's saying to me: I want you to go on living your life. Keep your head up, and keep passing school.

He was the only thing that kept me going sometimes...and he still is.

I wonder if he knows that?
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