Friday, September 17, 2010

Ah, a place to go where no one will see, and it also feels slightly at home too! its scary. here i am now at 20 years old and i am such a strange person. I didnt expect or ever see that i would find myself here. trying to grasp onto what i usually do when im lonely. and its been so long, it doesnt feel right anymore. it sucks loving someone sometimes. now that i dont have him, my heart beats rapidly all the time especially before i try to sleep.. and that aching pain hits right up high on my chest. it really wears me down. i am in complete despair because of it. the worst of all, only time can get me closer to happiness. And every second i seem to count down. No ones company fills my heart with the same contentment that yours did. everything i do and see and say just seems so pointless now. life seems pointless. im trying to just get out of this point and keep myself going. But seriously....life is so fucking hard. the only thing i miss about the past is how naive i was to the world. life never plays fairly. all its decisions are unfair... but i can get through this. he is my motivation.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

So.

I know, i should update more often but hey, i only do so when i feel i really need to just...get with myself lol. I hope someone reads this though :3 if not, at least i had fun writing. WELL. last blog entry i think i mentioned a guy i was interested in, a guy that was 8 years older then me. well, after a long while of just...being friends and getting to know one another...we kind of....went on a date today. lol. I don't know what to say about it, other then it was...nice. we just sat and talked. and had coffee. he is a trip and i love it. he is way more outgoing then me, way more talkative, he is a people-person and i am not. but i think...he said he liked me. and he did ask me to have dinner with him or at least hang out with him again. Through everything i have been through and shared with this website....i have grown. i feel like i know a lot more about the world then most people do, i have seen what its like to have nothing and no one, and i know what it means to truly hate someone and have someone truly hate you. i guess you could say that i have probably experienced and grown from all of the bad things life has to offer. and it is now, where i am at a time in my life where....i feel like hating life is pointless. I feel like i need to love it, and find things on this earth to love. Love in general, is one thing i feel completely out of touch with. and i guess...im just trying to learn how to love someone. You would think its the simplest thing in the world, maybe it is..maybe i just need a chance. i really hope Ron is someone who gives me a chance. because even though i havent known him that long, he has opened my eyes to....a different way of living. and he makes me want to be infinity happy. I am only 18...i dont know what on earth i can offer him, but i hope it is enough.

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Friday, September 12, 2008

blah.

Its been a long time X.x around 7 months i think. I feel bad because the reason i left if because i knew no one would bother reading my blog anymore, yet i had so much to blog about while i was gone. Myotaku used to be the place where i could talk about anything and still get some advice or some type of response to my problems, without creating any problems or drama. it is so sad to know i can no longer have that :/ but im going to blog anyway and if no one reads, well i guess thats fine. So 7 months, thats a long time. the whole summer passed by and my god, was it wierd. I almost moved out and into an apartment of my own with a friend. I honestly didnt expect it to work out, because said friend is younger then me and still in school, and low and behold! when the time came, she decided against it. i couldnt move out on my own....i couldnt afford rent by myself. and i couldnt find another roommate because the apartment we were renting is actually owned by her dad which is why rent was so cheap. She wants to move out when she is done with school, but i wont get my hopes up this time ^^; as for guys, well...i ended up experiencing the best kiss of my life with a guy i honestly could never be with but thats ok, i was still happy it all happened. at the moment im infatuated with a guy thats like 8 years older then me, completely opposite of what i thought i wanted in a guy...but all i want to do is jump him and make out with him furiously because for some reason, i am really attracted to him. the horrible part is, i think he likes me to! and i kind of cant really deal with that because i have no idea how to deal with it because i have terrible self esteem issues and i am constantly thinking that i am a boring idiotic person that no one would ever want. as for friends....i had a really great time this summer getting to know people at my work and partying it up with them from time to time. im still not broken out of that anti-social shell i tend to create but i think im getting there. school...is still where it was 7 months ago. i still have no plans and i havent done anything to get my GED or seriously thought about going to front range. it was hard, because this past month all of my friends have been going off to college and all ive been hearing was how great and amazing it is for them and its deffinatly a point in my life where im regretting my previous actions. but i also recently realised that maybe that wasnt the path for me, or maybe i just wasnt supposed to experience that at this point in my life. I know that right now, i just dont feel right about going back to school. i hate to just waste away another year of my life, but maybe i want to figure some other things out first because i start a different life. I think i need to resolve some of my own personal issues, and face what demons i still have inside of me before i go out an venture into a new territory. Ill always want to get away from my passed an my family, but right now...i need to deal with all of that. i recently moved back to my hometown which i am really happy about, i am closer to my friends and pretty much everything else and i can literally walk to work i am so close to it! i used to live 30 minutes away from anything,in the middle of nowhere and not only did it take a big chunk out of my paycheck, but i think the long commute everyday was just wearing on my whole family. as for my writing. well. I havent done any. my writing website is dead pretty much. i havent really written any stories or anything for a year or so. I dunno, i still want it to be my life but...i just dont know if i have it in me. im trying to find that passion i once had for writing, so far im unsuccessful.

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Saturday, April 5, 2008

.

Yeesh, i woke up at 6 AM this morning and i realised that even if im really tired and go to bed around, 11 PM or 12 AM that i find it hard to sleep all throughout the night. yet when i sleep during the da y, from like 7 AM till like 3 PM that i actually end up waking up really tired O.o But anyway, so im on an okay sleeping schedule now ^^ which is great because they plan on changing my hours at work, and i beleive that all of my hours are going to be during the day. No more nights for me(which means no more cleaning bathrooms!) and hopefully it means a couple more hours ~.^ hehe. So, if anyone read my last couple of blogs i mentions a little despute i had on my forum with another member. she is still on the forum, but she only posts like, once every couple of days. which is just fine with me because lately, even with the games boards gone im happy to say my forum is pretty darn active AND i got a couple of new members :3 so im happy about it. Yeesh, i just woke up with a spider bite on my arm ): which is disturbing to me because, well, that means there was a spider on me while i was sleeping! *shivers* this is actually the first spider bite ive ever had so....its weird to me <<; very unpleasant. So recently ive been on the hunt for the 2nd live action NANA movie :3 but i cant find ANY with subtitles. the only subs i can find on VEOH doesnt work O.o which kills me. I could however, buy the thing but i hear that the version you can buy has TERRIBLE subtitles, referring to the characters as some weird things <<; and everyone says to wait for another version to be released but...as far as i know no version has been announced to come out any time soon ): i dunno WHAT im going to do! so people keep borrowing money from me and im slowly going broke just because theyre broke X.x they say they'll pay me back but...i mean..they dont get paid untill I do which is a whole other week away *sigh* i dunno what the heck im going to do. and its things that like, we need in order to live X.x so i cant just say no. gas prices and the fact that i live like 30 minutes away from anything is really putting a dent in my bank account too T_T

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

blah

Life is so up and down lately. I feel like i have no where to turn to to talk about it other then my lonely blog :/ I really need to get a new job :/ like, REALLY bad. All my friends are going to college, and im stuck here with a pointless life that has no promising look of a good future. of course, before i even try and change it i need more money. i mean, i love my job, i love the people i work with...but i guess i need to move on. so lately i havent been able to decide weather i want to lighten or darken my hair :P at the moment, its dark but my color is fading and im kind of tired of it. then again, if i go back to blonde ill have to keep dying it every month because my hair grows FAST. Actually, no, i think ill darken it again :3 simply because i AM growing my hair out and i dont have the time or money to worry about it. and when its dark, its pretty much the same color as my roots. so the other day i realised my phone service had charged me 11 one dollar transactions. O.o i havent even used the phone in like a week. the thing is, i just switched it from my dads bank account to mine and im sure they take out a dollar to test to see if your bank account works but i mean.....11 times?! what the hell? i emailed them about but have yet to hear back fully, and the thing is that the transactions are now gone(which proves that they were just testing my bank account, but again, why 11 times?!?!)

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Monday, March 31, 2008

im back.

sometimes, the terrible person inside me comes out so easily. the stupid, shallow, arrogent person that i know i can be comes out and i dont even realise it. i tell you, i find it hard to argue with someone is very strong-headed. Someone who i dislike and who calls me childish yet her bantering about on a silly meaningless forum about how she doesnt like to be governed and how she thinks her opinion doesnt matter. Its a forum. as a matter of fact, its my forum. I am the boss. she is just the post-whoring big fish in a little pond who spouts a bunch of bullshit that she thinks is witty and rebellious. she thinks she's the better person yet, the only problem that was created was created by her, and ended with her. i certainly dont need her to hold my hand while i make decisions on my forum. she is member to something i created, something that i take care of and something that would be just fine if she werent apart of it. The other members thought she made something small into something big, and all of them have told me that they didnt agree with her. And this little fued with her came at such a wrong time personally. my emotions have been swirling around and i just...i feel very overwhelmed. I was rejected, beaten down, and very close to broke this week. you know. i took a chance with that date. i met a guy that was a lot more interesting than me and i cant blame him for rejecting me. but you know what? i did what ive been telling you all ive wanted to do for so long. i stepped out of my little shell and...reached out to creating something better for myself. i have to say though, i feel like im back where i started, but with a little more pain to bare. i refuse to step out again....why would any other date be different? i am a plain boring person that has no life and never will. i cant bring myself to speak my mind casually and i cant bring myself to loosen up so its just pointless. and i would also like to add that i am a very shallow and cruel person. i go from being rejected to rejecting someone that has only shown a tremendous amount of infatuation for me and i dont even bother giving him a chance. i am terrible.

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Goodbye everyone. i think its time i get rid of this blog. it really wasnt much of anything anyway.

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Friday, March 14, 2008

grr

Eep. O.o i cant believe how dead myo is. I thought maybe all my friends moved to worlds but when i looked a lot of you up you didnt have one so..im guessing most of you left all together ~_~; i dunno what on earth im gonna do! Hopefully a few of you are on today :/ So, since no one was around yesterday ill start be re-saying that my date was really awkward yet fun. i feel bad because im sure he wouldnt have been so nervous if i had been a bit more talkative :/ i have to tell you though, at first i wasnt sure how i felt about him, but i mean..now i cant stop thinking about him! X.x and even with that said i still dunno what i feel about him. we are such a pair of strangers still xD I hope you dont mind me going on about him :P but i have to say, is isnt like the guys i usually date xD for once, im actually dating someone that likes anime and manga(which ive never done, i hardly even have any friends that like A&M either) and i have to say, he's a lot smarter then most of the guys i date too ^^;; his nervousness was so adorable though. ): i havent heard from him though so im pretty down about it. its only been like a day but... still. i feel really plain and dull and pathetic. i wish we had connected more :/ i feel a bit rejected and its only been 24 hours or so! BLAH TO ME. *sigh* anyway. my birthday is on monday. my grandmother got me a barnes and noble membership card and a really nice copy of pride and prejudice(how she knew it was my favorite book- i have no idea) as for my other birthday plans....eh. i baught a super fancy dress to wear out to dinner with my family :P and thats all i have planned. well thats about it. hopefully somebody reads this ~_~; have a nice day everyone.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

It doesnt really feel worth it to post on here OR my world because not many people on my list are around anymore O.o; but i will cause i want to blog about my date. SO it was Ok. very awkward. we were both nervous <<; which made me less nervous; i feel bad though cause i hardly said anything or asked anything and im sure if i had been more talkative he would have loosened up a bit. i dont know if he had fun or not <<; i hope i wasnt to plain and dull for him.

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Saturday, March 8, 2008

:/

I dont think i like version vibrant very much. Its so generic O.o why on earth did they make it so was cant customize them? whats the point? i tell you, i HATE HATE HATE the light blue color my world is at the moment, it hurts my eyes X.x;; and i can even anime-ify it ): And i also cant seem to figure out how to see who has subscribed to you...? i mean, you can see who you subscribe to but what if someone adds me and i want to add them back but i cant because i dont know who they are? I also really miss the members corner place where it had all the top members listed and it also showed who just updated, i like that because i thought it was a good way to make active friends :/ now i have no idea how to find others to be my friend! I honestly didnt think VV would effect the lives of those that wanted to stay on myotaku but i guess thats not the case. Its pretty much like we have to move to the lesser good that is worlds because myo is being left in the dust and ditched.

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