Saturday, May 14, 2005

OMG

OMG you guys, Yesterday sucked. My friend, holly, is missing.. She is a recovering drug addict.. But im afraid she hasnt recovered. It turns out that she ran away and hadnt been taking her medication and now no one knows where she is, not even her Boyfriend..not even me.. And i really miss her and hope she is ok becuase i love her so much!! A And then i found out my cousin blew out his arm and he is a pitcher! and he may never be able to Pitch again.. he had to go to the hospital and everything :( and my sister is being mean and today was so boring.. and beth isnt on >< darnit beth... And you know what? It was friday the 13th.. and i didnt beleive.. But things happened yesterday on friday the 13th that was really bad luck :( Though i did get out of going to school.. anyway... here is another poem, about my ex boyfriend. You loved me That’s what you said But is it healthy, for me? I let you love me, hold me, kiss me. While I Hide a dark secret inside me I can’t help but scream out your name Trying to get your attention I want you to get rid of my pain Its what you cause, and you don’t even realize That when I look into your eyes… I only see your lust and urges. It’s not all about you I have my own urges. I want us to be together But I want us to understand each other. It’s not all about my kiss. Its’ not all about my body. Its’ not all about my touch. Its’ not all about my lust. Don’t you care about who I am inside? No, I’m a tool in your eyes. A tool to be used and discarded every night You stole my childhood, I was thrust into this sensual world If I can overcome you, I’m surely ready, But your not even there to keep my balance steady. You’re alone, and plead for my forgiveness Hoping I’m not really gone, but I am. It has ended, you and I. I’m now in search for a new perfect guy The perfect guy that you never were. You were supposed to be mine, My perfect Guy. But instead you’re an insensitive jerk. You’re a guy that cant hold on You cant handle emotion You cant stand that I need you. And now its to late to say sorry, I’m done with your boyish acts, Now be a man, and tell me you still love me

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Friday, May 13, 2005

poem

Lol dont freak out ya'll.. Not cutting myself.. anymore :P anyway most of my poems i accually did for a class project when we were doing poetry... I know its deep, it means alot to me... so do the other poems i wrote for that project, i guess i will post those poems later..

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:/

well ok then, today was boring, here is a poem of mine, seeing as how i have nothing else to say. My poetry sux BTW. My security blanket, my only escape. A blade of some kind running across my skin. Not knowing what was wrong, just knowing I needed it. The pain, turned into pleasure. Its exciting, and scary. Its horrible and wrong. Its soothing and deep. All the things put into one. A pleasure you couldn’t understand. A pleasure only few desire. A pleasure only I could get rid of. Temptation sets in, every night And I find myself doing it one last time. One last time. That’s what I would say. One last time until I threw my security away. I never meant it, I never would. The only thing that’s stopping me is my heart When I only listen to my brain. You’ll never know the pain You’ll never know the feel. The feel of a vein pouring onto the towel, Onto the floor, into the cracks. .

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Ok

Ok everyone, well i dont have much to say.. Today i slept a lot.. And then i got on.. and then i went groccery shopping.. and then i came home and played the PS2, while waiting for dinner to cook.

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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

ok

Well, im happy to say she doesnt need help, turns out my friend is in like.. calclious(Spelling..) and so she is like..Uber good at math and she managed to help my sister get a 70% on the test... But she still has to do her worksheets :/ And if she doesnt pass them she fails .. All decided on 2 stupid worksheets.. Thats crap. I swear im gonna die of stress.. im stressed out for her.. For me.. Jeez.. I swear to my whole family is like.. terrible at math >< Anyway i guess i had an ok day.. got through another day of school.. So... yeah..

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OK

Ok, this time its not my problem its my sisters see she is taking this online math class becuase her math teacher kicked her out and she needed half a math credit so if she doesnt pass this math course she is gonna fail and wont pass highschool and wont graduate. My grandma has spent tons of cash on this greduation and trying to help her pass and if she doesnt my grandma will like.. Be so dissapointed, and my grandma is scary. are any of you good at math? I mean becuase She needs help on last 3 assignments, if she doesnt pass these assignments she is not gonna pass.... So... if you would wanna help her out with the math question(They are even multiple choice i think) please tell me.. It would help so much.

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

okkkk

Well im on for the last time today, *stabs her sister with a spork* and just for the record, i do read the harry potter books, i own them.. read them all the time, and i pre-ordered the next one... anywho... i slept all day today... because i was up so late, so i pretty much wasted my moments on the internet by sleeping.. all well.. since i cant get on tonight im not sure what else to do, i hate watching TV...unless its anime.. or family guy.. or...i dunno.. i am really tired of watching TV. It seems to cold a cloudy to go on a walk.. but then agian, i havent been outside so i dont know.. Maybe i can just play PS2... but my sister owns the PS2 so i wouldnt be surprised if she forbid(sp) me to play it to!!! i could write my fanfics.. *i really have to* but i have writers block for all 3 fanfics.. i feel bad for my fans ><... *sigh* i hate tuesdays.. Its so far away from the weekend..

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bouncing off the walls...

OMG OMG OMG I THINK IM GONNA TO GO CRAZY WITH ALL THE EXITEMENT I HAVE RIGHT NOW. YOU KNOW WHY? WELL MY SISTER JUST CAME IN AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP AGAIN, BUT GUESS WHAT???!?!?!? I JUST SAW THE GOF TRAILER AND IM HAPPY AS HELL!! BUT THE THE FUCK HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO WAIT UNTILL NOVEMBER? I CANT!!! IM GONNA DIE!! IM LITTERALLY IN TEARS AT THE THOUGHT OF HAVING TO WAIT FOR LONG.. MY HEART IS LITTERALLY GONNA BURST, LOOK HOW HOT THEY ALL ARE!!! LOOK AT ALL KOOL EFFECTS.. I SHOULD READ THAT BOOK AGAIN.. BECAUSE I THINK IT WILL BE SO HARD FOR ME TO WAIT UNTILL NOVEMBER!! here is the link... http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/harry_potter/thegobletoffire/ ..yes.. im a harry potter fan.. but im an even bigger Tom felton fan.. When i rule the world, he shall be my man slave. Hey, you all wanna hear about my plans to rule the world? I have them really! just ask and i will post my plans. MWAHAHAHAHA. i will only be on untill 3:00 PM mountain time everyone. my sister knows exactly how much i love the internet, and she isnt gonna let me on at all after she gets out of school. the terrible thing is, i have to to yardwork and hopefully go shopping tommarrow so i dont know how or when i will accually be on >< This really sucks for Ivory, becuase we barely talk as much as we used to!! I really should steal her and adopt her.. No wait.. wrong way around.. she should steal me and adopt me because her family is Awesome and mine sucks.. I would be a wonderful addition to youre family beth, i eat healthy.. most of the time.. Im toilet trained.. i dont take up a lot of space(Accually..yes..i do.. i have a pretty large bed i dont think i can part with) and im very responsible.. if one of the kitties gets out of line.. i nkow how to deal with it *evil grin* im such an angel.. Heheh.. i would never get you into any trouble.. *cough*.. Depending on what you call trouble.. anyway.. i have to go for now. Please say something to me!!!

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Monday, May 9, 2005

DAMNIT

i hate this! I HATE IT!! my sister comes home and treats me like complete crap.. She is such a heartless bitch, i hate her.. She is just as bad as my dad and even though i cant say she is just as bad as my mom, i still hate them all!! She just made me feel like i was the worst person on the world, and she doesnt even realise what i have been going through. like i said, last night i kinda broke down. And having something yell at you when youre in a fragile state does not help one bit. and i know, its not her problem, and she doesnt known what i've done but it just goes beyond that, she treats me like this whem im all she has and ever will! i will always be there even though i hate her! if she needed me, i would come, but i dont think she would do the same. all we have had through these past years with dealing with my mother was each other, while my dad was getting drunk, crying and wishing he was dead,thinking we would be alright.. we had eachother to keep one another calm and she treats me like im one of them, like im just like mom and dad when i was her only friend through many years, and i mean it, her only friend at all!!! Here i am crying over what she said and i dont even know why. I just want it all to end. I just wanna find a place to go and get there, and hopefully it will be far away from all of them, from everyone i know. I may be to afraid to end my life but that doesnt mean im not afraid to abandon them all and start over. Once i get the chance i will.. i swear... i will!!!!

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oooooooook

Welll, i got out of going to school today, by asking my mom to tell my dad i got sick last night while he was at work, and it worked, and i got lunch, which btw i never eat lunch at school.. i dunno why.. anywho so YES one day down, 7 more to go untill its all over for the year. I fear that i did so bad this year i might have to graduate a year later then my friends.. But thats 3 or 4 years away. Still though, i feel very ashamed of myself.. i mean... ever day i think about how much i have failed, and there is so much i want to do i know i wont be able to reach my true goals. I finally realised why i love the internet.. Its becuase i my life.. reality.. i hate it so much, but when im online its like.. I can show who i am without being judged by my looks or steriotypes. I love the internet becuase its like my own little fantasy, becuase i have always wanted a place to run away to people that care.. or atleast seem like they care and i guess i do have a place.. my computer room. and while my parents are fighting and my sister is yelling at me and my cats are starving and when im supposed to wait for someone to come but they wont ever i will always be on my computer ignoring it all, everything... and for a couple moments i can accually worry about problems like HTML and my online friends and how my gallery is and if i can find just the right avatar for god knows what site.. and those are problems i can fix..not like the ones in my life where im so closed to getting away, i just need a plan and somewhere to go. i accually need to become who i am instead of who i've been hiding behind my whole life.. i just cant seem to find away out of anything in reality!! ......sorry.. i kinda broke down last night... so i have been thinking about all the crap i have to deal with, even though its not a lot...

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