Monday, August 27, 2007

   A lot has changed
so I last posted on Spring Break. That was the week that would either make or break me & I knew it. So now, what, 5 months later? Im older, stronger, smarter. Im not falling over for the wrong guys anymore. Im not torturing myself just to make a guy happy. Im taking it slow. If I meet someone I really like, someone who likes me too, for me & not for my boobs or whatever, then great. And if I dont, thats fine too. Im focusing on my life right now, and what I can do to make it better for me. Me &Paris are at the alltime high in our friendship, and Im really happy. Me & Ginny are presidents of the HP club at school, and its something I really wanna do. And no, theres no boy. Theres no one Im hurting myself for, no one Im lusting after. But there is one boy, one who makes me smile. He frustrates me, because he isnt interested in all the typical stuff. Hes sorta hard to get to, but when I hear his voice, i melt.
His names Tony.
I first met him last year in health & now he's in my 6th period. And today he smiled at me, and we talked a bit. And his smile was sincere, not fake, or forced, like mark's or d's. His was sweet. I felt myself almost fall over & i wonde rif he noticed..i wonder if he noticed that he broke my barrier, the barrier I had had up for months, protecting myself from all the wrong guys. And he was sweet & kind, and he talked to me because. He didnt look at my chest, he looked at my eyes. And isnt that all we all want??





yours trulyy.
can you see the difference?
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Thursday, April 5, 2007

I guess this is waht Spring Break is made of..
before i say anything, let me get it out that im still mad at him. and i hate him, sorta.
But i still have those same feelings for him. so let me say that before i read the message from himm..


YEA I STILL LOVE HIM!
just read the message, i asked him if he really wanted something for his bday & he says exactly this..

""hekk yess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i will luv u more then i love dolphins if u get me something.""


awwwww see i totally love him!
so spring break started on friday..after school a bunch of us went to cynthia's house & we took 500mg painkillers with whiskey/bacardi/tequila mix & i tasted some gin & damn that was some nasty shit. i figured i would never try it again but monday we were all at the park & jess & paris poured vodka & gin in my mouth, semi-shot style.
damn..i dunno if i should be telling you guys this, but its fucking spring break.

D got hella drunk on monday & when we were all walking to his house he kept sneaking his hand in my bra & i couldnt stop laughing & when i laugh like that, i cant control myself & i cant talk or move let alone fight him off!!
but i got my heart broken & i was betrayed by my very best friend too.

but im ok now, im pretty sure.
Dimitri is moving a couple houses away from me today & him & D might go to disneyland for their bdays like tomorrow.
lol i need to go so i can gte some cash for his bday present!
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

   a LOT has happened since..
my last post =]


to summ it up, my mom backstabbed me & sold my puppy, the one she said we could keep. she didnt even tell me. just said she was gonna sell him cuz i had a 80 dollar texting bill.
so she did.
and know what i did???

i went & i chopped off my hair.
it will piss her off cuz she wants me to grow my hair & doesnt want me to cut it...and she hates when i cut my bangs & stuff.
then yesterday after i got home, i cut it more, so now its shoulder length.
she still doesnt know tho!

me & paris are going to theee mall tomorrow, i need skinny jeans, a shirt or 2 or 3 or 4, and hair accessories. LOTS. bows & headbands. thennn we wanna go to mcdonalds to visit raab. well, surprise raab would be better.

today after school, paris says to me that shes gonna by me some e for my bday then we say noooo my bdays too far!! and then dimitrii was with us & he's like 'my bday is april 8' so i wa slike 'yeaa! buy me some for his bday!!' and he's like 'whhat? why is she gonna buy you some? the day that i popped outta my moms cooch & so you get e???' and paris was like 'i/ll buy you some too!' so i guess on april 8, me, dimitrii who ive known forever, and my all time bestie paris are gonna..take some e!!!
YAY FOR DIMITRI'S BDAY!!!!!

new pic with my ne whair soon..
and new pic of me, paris, & dimitrii too maybe
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Thursday, March 8, 2007

   Oh, it is love..
=]
after nearly 3-4 years I am still so in love with her.


My first love, i'll never forget her, never stop loving her.

Its no wonder that I still plan on going to San Diego after HS to see her again.
Love her to death.

My only definition of beauty.
I'd choose her over D any day.
I am the only girl at school that was in love with another girl at such a young age.

Paris, i dont care if youre 'bi', i dont care if you want to be with marissa! i'll love you all the same, but you should know my first love was a girl. I despise the word 'bisexual'
i am not bisexual, or a lesbian.
I am merely a girl.
a girl who loves boys.
a girl who loves girls.
I could never choose between the two.
but shit do I love this girl more than i will ever love any man..



if you can look at her & not think she is one of the absolute most beautiful girls you have ever seen, I must say you have something horrible wrong with you.
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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

   i HATE teddy!!
whyyyyyyy?!?!? my freakin algebra teacher moved my seat & now i sit next to teddy..
so all day i hear 'look at how emo she is. mana ur so emo. she's so emo she's like cut my wrists & black my eyes! look at that emo drawing'
while i sit there saying 'shut up teddy im not emo!' but yea...he has a way with me. always had, always will? he just looks at me, like he knows what im really thinking..so yesterday was the first day i sat there & he draws this picture & passes it to me & i just look at it & he's like 'its for you. but let me sign it!' then he's like 'you better keep that forever so when im famous you have my autograph'
psh.
and today i walk in the class & sit down & he shoves my bag off the desk & im like you asshole! and he come sover & he's like 'im sorry' and he tries to give me a hug but i pushed him off & he reached in my pocket & stole my fucking ipod! and i was like 'fucking teddy give it to me! you can se eit after school.' and i told him id do anything for him & he's all anything??? with that fuckin smile. fucking boys i swear.

he gave it back after class & i shoved him hella hard & he's like 'did you just push me??' im like whatevvvv..but yea every time i saw him after that he would just smile his fucking smile at me. that teasing smile. god i hate him.
all thru class i was like 'i fucking hate your ass' and he's like 'no you dont' and im like 'yeaa i do!' and he's like 'you just think you hate me'

after school me & paris were sitting in the grass & im like 'ahhh i hate teddy so much he's such an ass!' and she's like 'no you dont'

uhmmm why is everyone telling me I DONT HATE HIM???
i guess...cuz i, and just about everyone else, knows i dont hate him, & never can. im just pissed at him. i'll probably forgive him by thursday...ehhhhhh.






thats me obviously..i dyed my hair back to black.ttyl hos!

<3mana aka the gangsta dr. phil
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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

   so WHY do I waste my time?
because he, just like i do, loves to play hard to get.


music? 'shimmy shimmy quarter turn' hellogoodbye
mood? sick for real getting better!


guys...he's not very good at grammar =[

the one thing i cant stand.
he's not good at.
i hate it when people use the wrong 'to' or 'then' & he just did!

sometimes i forget he's a senior.



well now we see why he's 'almost not gonna graduate'!


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Friday, January 26, 2007

   it still feels like yesterday
Music: Pencey Prep;;"Yesterday"
mood:my ass hurts, sick from school, apathetic, emotional, love sick


its my 2nd day home from school. Yes, i feel apathetic. emo? no, please. Emo in the sense that I just went to the doctor's today, and its right around the corner from Raab's school, which im pretty sure he's at today. He'll be graduating soon. or at least he's supposed to, assuming he passes, despite what he told me. Im not gonna lie, i miss him a lot & i know he's not going anywhere but once he does graduate, its gonna be harder for us to talk or hang out. I'll only be a sophmore anyway. but since when has age mattered? I have a weird feeling inside, i cant really explain it...lets just say i really miss some people, the people who live in town & i never get to see. hmm so that would be Megann & raab. correct. D is gonna be 16 soon. IDK what im gonna do. if you love someone, you should know that looking at pictures on the computer screen is not enough. I miss them terribly. Meg, she was the only one that understood me once Kirstin left. and now she's gone. even tho she's only what? 10 to 15 minutes away, its not that easy. and to be honest, seeing her pics makes me sad in so many ways. seeing his pics makes me so sad, yet so unbelievably happy. i dont think raab will ever know how good he makes me feel. just the little things he says to me lets me know he cares, even if he doesnt realize. so much unlike D, so much unlike him...
they say im destroying myself & i cant keep doing it.
I have an addictive nature, & everyone knows it.
Raab knows it, & he knows he has to make sure im ok. he doesnt wanna feel responsible if i do something dumb which i probably will if i dont watch out. i dont like being controlled by anyone, and yet, despite how 'tough & stubborn' i might seem, all i want is for someone to show me that they know more than me, & that they can take care of me. i refuse to say im needy, & i refuse to let a guy be superior to me, & yet all i want is for him to be the boss?
I know i make no sense, but ive spent too long being miss independent, knowing everything & leading everyone else around. im tired of being the most mature or the oldest.
ive had to be the oldest my whole life & i just wish i had someone to take me over.
i cant do this anymore.


and i'll just leave saying,
I miss him so much.

how did this post end up being about him????





it always ends up being about him.
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Sunday, January 14, 2007

   so how are you?
hey guys my name is Mana & im 15.
I live in a 'small' town in nor/central California.
I could be called scene or whatev emo or whatev
but dont. seriously dont.
I have a best friend named Sienna, & a best friend named Paris & a best friend named Thomas & a best friend named Kirstin & a special guy friend named Raab.
I like a guy whose an ass. I would stop liking him, but its kinda hard, since he was a first love. well at least my first guy i was in love with.
I love my best friend Sienna but weve never met & she lives in south california.
I love my best friend Paris & we just recently relized that we need each other & its impossible to live without each other. so yea, id die for this girl.
i love my best friend thomas but we never get to see each other. i love my best friend kirstin, but she lives in washington. i love my guy friend Raab, but i really dont know how he feels about me.
these are the people who mean the WORLD to me & the kids i love...

Sienna
Paris
Thomas
Kirstin
Dilly
Raab
D<---first love
Shelley!
Chloe<---first love(girl)
Makaya
Brittni(get well & dont die on us!)
Michelle
Stephix
Molly
crystal
jesse!


just to name a few.
glad to meet you.
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Monday, January 8, 2007

   Battle of the iPods
sooo..
Thursday afternoon, we drove up to San Francisco to see Fallout Boy, New Found Glory, The Early November & Permanent Me. So me & Thomas were in the very back seat & we have twin ipods.
when we got back in the car i gave him his & told him to make sure it was & he checked it & he's like yea look. and Carrie Underwood 'jesus take the wheel' was on. so im cracking up & he's like what? theres nothing wrong with country!!
maybe not, but this is coming from the boy who was making fun of me for having both Hannah Montana & Britney Spears on mine.
yes. that is true.

haha we are both lame but i love thomas!!!

uh guys i have a dilemma!
so me & raab were talking online, & somehow we get into a convo about drugs & he offered to get me some...'stuff' since for some reason i cant get it here. when i told him wher ei live he seamed amazed that i couldnt get any. haha! and so he offered, & then hes like 'well you have to let me smoke with you, so i can make sure youre all right'
awwwwww!
is that not the sweetest thing ever!!
okay you gusy might think im crazy. of all things, i find getting high with a guy uber romantic.
alsdnweqhfadqwhhnvckqwzhajd.
wowwwww.
so he's probably gonna come over to my school one day..and who knows what will happen?
he is so nice he's always telling me he doesnt want anything bad to happen to me like its good that i dont do whatever & that im a young kid & he doesnt want to get me into all of that. but i told him i wasnt that young & that im more mature than most kids his age.

well in case you are wondering the FOE tour was awesome FOB were really good & so was Permanent me & The Early November. im not into NFG sorry. it was a no cameras show so that sucked. but me, thomas, chanel & my sis didnt have the best seats but it was a small venue & my dad had like a front row seat cuz he traded with thomas & when fob came on my dad told us all to come down so we snuck down there, right in front of security & everything, and sat in front row to watch fob. we could go on general admission floor =[[. booo!
i know i say i hate mr.wentz but he is my guilty pleasure. gawd if you could see how hot he looked! well i used my dads razr to take pics & i got a really good one of pete! i'll email it later...
ok bye
i dyed my hair.
its dark again finally!!!
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Thursday, December 28, 2006

   birthday..BEtch
today is my long time friend Ronnie's birthday, he is 15...and tomorrow is my birthday, I will be 15!!!!


sorry I havent updated in awhile, Ive been realllly busy with myspace during the holiday seson, wishing everyone a good time & all..and gaiaonline too.


uhhh..well lets see Im at a peaceful state of mind right now. I am so thankful & so lucky that Im not in a depression again..I always get in a depression around this time of year. but of course, raab was here to help me feel a little better. actually he wasnt here last year but hes here now.
I swear i dont know what i would do without my friends. I think sienna is to thank for me being able to get through the year depression free. seriously she has helped me so much! And i didnt even realize it that i havent been depressed really this year! yea i had a realllllly big breakdown earlier in like january but thats long over & me & paris are pretty much back to where we were before all that. i could never have survived if I had never met Meggy 7 sienna. Wow they came at the perfect time. Its kinda like, youre about to slit your wrists but then your most bestest friend in the world comes & tells you they love you & not to do it.


hmmmm....well bye guys dont know if youll read this but it would mean a lot to me if you did. And if youre interested in talking more, add me at
http://www.myspace.com/hailee007

p.s. it was myspace.com/hailee007's b-day yesterday!! a year old...


=]]]
shine bright babes
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