Wednesday, July 14, 2004

   subject? idunno, are you suposed to have one?
so yeah. i'm depressed, as if anyone cares. so's everyone else, right?...that's what they always say, that whatever you're feeling that you think no one else in the world feels the same way, that everyone has actually felt like that, right? *sigh* adults. i shudder to think i'll someday become one. but it's already happening, as i speak. i'm so bored and depressed and lonely at my grandma's, going to Walgreens to pick something up actually excites me--it sounds like fun. i also like looking at china patterns and contemplating what i'll want my house/appartment to be decorated like. *shudders* sometimes i want to slap myself.
anywhoo... i want to cry. it's nearly 11:00 and the only person on my buddy list who is on is my ex-boyfriend, who i have for some reason left on. i don't know why and often try to contemplate some sane reason. i have yet to come up with any. i don't still have any sort of feeling for him. (he actually dumped me online: the looser. after 1year and 9months, and he a big computer nerd--bugging me all that time to get the internet so we could talk every night--i finally get the internet and the next week he uses it to dump me!) anywhoo....i'm not using it to stalk him. i never talk to him. (except that one time, i accidently clicked on his name instead of my other friend's--that was kinda funny. he was so confused: we had been trying to arrange plans for a trip so i start telling him train ticket prices and destinations and he's all like WTF?????????) but anyway, every time i think of taking him off i hesitate. perhaps it's becuase of eveinings like this, where i'm the only one on, and at least seeing his name, shows i'm not entirely alone in the universe. *sigh*
what did i get on here to post about? hm..... i dunno. i don't think this had a particular point.
ah. *re-reads the subject line* yeah. so ya'all, just some advice: picking a college is kinda scary. you're choosing the thing that will shape you for the rest of your life, into the adult you will become. choose wisely. i don't think i did, even though i chose the place that gave me the huge ass scholarship. *sigh* ah shit. i just got back here. My shitty internet kicked me off for some damn reason--maybe the window was open and it felt chilly, maybe the other internet services were teasing it....the pansy a$$.... i should take it out back and smack it around some. it would do it some good.
hey i've got a question for ya'all: does anyone ever just randomly wake up and feel like their head/scalp is bruised? like it hurts to brush/style your hair? becuse i keep having that happen. like i wake up, and my head hurts, and i have no memory of being hit or bruised. it's like someone comes into my room at night and smacks me around. (hmm... those evil monkeys! at it again eh? out to hurt me...but not if i get 'em first! buaahahahahahahahaahaha...*cough* anywhoo) i asked mom's opinion, and she quite logically pointed out to me that i probably had hit my head during the day and just didn't remember. that makes a lot of sense, as those who know me can testify.
*sigh* i...i...don't know what to say, or how to bring this up. there's this guy. and no, it's not the library pseuo-elf guy, i'ts someone else. i met him at work. i'd like to describe him, but there's something different about him. i cant describe him, as if i was describing a cut of meat or somesort of chattel, or even as a beautiful work of art. and he is a beautiful work of art, and a man, but somehow since i have talked to him, he's so much more: a real person that i couldn't dare just reduce to the physical. i will say this: it has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul: and in his case that is so true. such crystal blue! and there's something about them; when he looks into your eyes as he talks to you, he can hold your gaze as if an invisible string or filiment has tied your pupil to his. i try to look away and i cant; and he will never once look away. we played ulitimate frisbee in the wet grass after the rain with the art-campers; the game seemed to freeze and go into slow motion as his eyes sought mine before he passed me the frisbee. i hate sports, but i enjoyed that game that day as much as the kids. i never knew what people meant by "chemistry" until i met him. sorry artemis and duo if you read about this first here, and i didn't get to tell you about him in person first; i never got the oppertunity. but i just felt like i had to tell someone, (even if in writing it i inadvertantly told the whole western world!)[and by the way, artemis, he shares his name with your favorite constellation] but for all i feel, and am hoping he feels too, probably nothing will ever come of it: he's 8 years older than me! *deep soul sigh* i don't know what to do. i suppose i'll just behave normally--i'll talk when he comes and finds me, because he often goes out of his way to come and talk to me.
i probably shouldn't have written about this. i feel like i've made it dirty by even mentioning it aloud. like a gradeschool crush that i talk about to my friends in the hallway.
"oh, what should fellows as i do, crawling between earth and heaven?"--Hamlet
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