myOtaku.com: luicifers wife

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• 1990-03-29
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• 2003-12-16
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• Jen

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• i didnt die... yet
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• since i was about 6
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• Angel Sanctuary X,/1999 Naruto Saiyuki, BlueSeed, DNAngel
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• To become a Poet/Songwriter
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myOtaku.com: luicifers wife

Sunday, October 30, 2005

get down with the sicknesss
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Ello all… I just typed up my memoir its supposed to be 300-600 words long and I have think I have way more than that its about 1 and a half pages regularly typed and they want double spaced and that 3 pages @.@ ya ….

Im going to post it of it if you don’t want to read it than don’t XD! Lol but if you do read it tell me what you think

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life as I knew it changed from that day froth. I was not going to be the same little girl anymore. Growing up came quickly after. Depression came just as quickly did not know what to do I thought he was going to be here forever. I thought he would see my drams come true, seeing me down the aisle for my wedding. Holding his grandchildren. Now all those dreams wont come true now those dreams are nonexistent. Now I know that forever is just a lie. Different dreams have come forth now, yet I am still not the same little girl from my child hood. I can’t say that I am a woman now but I can say I have gown up. I grew up more than I thought. Also most all my views have changed. Like on Life, Death, Love, and God have all changed because of that one event and the things that fallowed after.
It was summer and I would be going into 8th grade the next coming school year. I was in my room with my one friend Brittany talking laughing having a good time. Than all of a sudden my little brother runs into my room. Its funny how your moods can change in a blink of an eye. How everything’s fine one movement and so wrong the next. After my brother told me what happed I had a blank stare on my face, no tears as of yet. It hadn’t sunk in yet. I was still thinking it was a horrible joke Brittany asked me if I was all right. And all I could do was nod a yes words would not come out. I watched as she left my house and I got into my car.
On the ride to his house I still had a blank expression until I saw him laying in the grass with a sheet over him. All most everything I believed in went out the door that very second. The tears finally came to my eyes emotion finally took over me. The death of my grandfather was the death of my faith in many things also the death of some of my dreams. But it brought the birth of my writing and also many issues to come in the next 3 years.
The funeral was mournful. How else can you describe it? Yet it was the only time my older brother and me ever hugged on another. It was the first time we ever acted as a family. The tragedy brought us together briefly than ripped us apart. After that the fighting go more hurtful than ever. I couldn’t even see my brother with out fear, rage or sadness washing over me.
My mother was in a depression also, also as deep as mine but I still couldn’t talk to her about anything she would never understand. My little brother and sister didn’t even realize what happened. So young, innocent, and naïve. They both had the blondest hair and the bluest eyes. The look of innocence. I couldn’t talk to them they wouldn’t understand me even if they tried. My older brother tall, dark blond, squinty shifting eyes. I never trusted him before so I wasn’t going to start trusting him now. The only person left was my father, tall with brown hair and deep gray eyes, I trusted him but I still couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I kept all my emotions locked inside. Slowly my eyes trued to gray slowly I lost my innocence.
My brother was always someone I feared and hated. We have had this rivalry for so long, we have never gotten along. My grandfather would keep him away from me and told him not to say those hurtful things to me, and he would listen. But once my grandfather was gone who was going to stop him? My father tried to stop him but he wasn’t as affective. After my grandfathers death it seemed Chris become more malicious in his taunting. I became more vulnerable I lessoning to words more closely. I listened to his words more I stared to believe what he was saying. Your useless no one loves you, you are better off dead, and you should just die. After a period of time I believed him.
With the verbal abuse from my brother I fell into a deeper depression. I thought all he said was true and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I tried to end it.
After my friends, family and school found out about my attempts at suicide I was sent to a metal help clinic I was not mentally stable. I did not know what to live for anymore. I didn’t think anyone cared. I didn’t think anyone would miss me, why should anyone miss me? I was questioning everything and every one. I was questioning god about every little thing. I was and still am questioning if god is even there.
The meaning of life still eludes me. Why am I here I still ask every day. No one has no one at all I see this now. Life is precious no one has the right to end it not even the person living that life.

~~~~~~~~~~

Done… ya now I have to print that and my homework done! … But im to lazy to send it to my dads pc than print it -.- im such a procrastinator anyway I should get to sleep im still sick and im medicated wooot!
~take care sweetheartz~

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