Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Anxiety
I think there is something wrong with me. Like my mental process has been thrown out of whack. Maybe it was because I started playing World of Warcraft. Or, maybe it was because my good friend at school told me he liked me. Or, maybe I attended too many anime conventions over the summer. Or, maybe the blond wig in my closet is really a monster like my friend jokes about and it is slowly consuming my soul. I don't know. I feel jumpy and I get upset over the most random things at the most random times. I was so upset last night. I couldn't stop crying and I wanted to talk to someone, so I called Roxie and she did not answer. And, I knew she would call back, but suddenly I was afraid to talk to anyone. So, I turned off my phone. And, now I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to sleep. Or, get to level 70 on WoW. I don't know. Have you ever hit a time like this in your life? Right now I had a sudden urge to try and write everything out as it comes to mind, but all I am getting is this jumble that you are currently reading through.

Maybe this was all brought on by my stupid comment to my friend regarding his feelings for me. I wish he had never said anything to me because now I feel I have to watch what I say and analyze my actions. And I constantly think about things like "I hope he doesn't feel like I am leading him on." By the time he called last night and told me what he thought about what I said, which is not what I meant at all, I was already upset from work and a frickin' migraine and all I remember is a bunch of words followed by "bitch" and he hung up. And I should have called back, but I didn't. I didn't know what to do. I was sitting on the top of a long staircase and I quietly contemplated throwing my phone down the stairs because I was suddenly angry and crying and lost and so many other things. Instead, I went back into my room and tried to get ready for bed, throwing my phone as violently as I could on to my bed. I kept crying and I didn't want to wake my roommate, so I thought I should take a walk. So I went down by the river and sat in a tree, which was mighty comfy, which I suppose was subconsciously important to me on some level. I mean, if my face is gonna be all hot and my head hurt and my lungs ache from holding my breath, my ass might as well be comfortable. I really just wanted to go back to my dorm and cry myself to sleep, but I really did not want to wake my roommate. This is the point where I made my phone call and subsequently shut off my phone altogether. Sorry Roxie, I don't know what I was doing.

While I was staring at the river I remembered a story I had heard about my campus. A long time ago, the campus was a wet campus, I think. It might not have ever been, but that is not the point. The point revolves around fences. Anyway, this person, not sure on gender, got really drunk and went for a walk. In their drunken stupor they wandered over to the footbridge that connects the two parts of the campus that is split by the river. Now, for some odd reason, this person decided to take a swim or maybe it was a dare or something, and they jumped off the footbridge. The reason I thought of this was because I was so upset, that for about maybe, probably not even five seconds, I considered drowning myself so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. No more essays, tests, social problems. No more of my own stupidity, nothing. But then I remembered this story. And the sad thing is, you would think that this story would scare me or something, but all it really did was make me remember that the jumper did not drown. They died because they broke their neck because the river is too shallow. If I tried really hard, maybe I could drown myself, but I doubt it. And, it just is not worth the effort. That's right, killing myself is too much effort.

For some odd reason, this whole train of thought calmed me down. I decided to venture back to my dorm and go to bed. But, because there is always a but, something weird was happening. I don't know what was happening in my head, but it seemed like every step I took towards my room, the more upset I became. I had to keep finding places to hide and sob or a place where I could at least see if other people are coming along the path. I wanted to sit down again, but I remembered that the campus geese always traveled the path and I didn't want to ruin my pajamas with goose poop, though that should have been the least of my concerns.

When I was younger, I used to get really upset when people would leave. Not like separation anxiety, just upset. Like I always felt every goodbye was a last goodbye and I would never see that person again. And maybe it was my overactive imagination, but I always thought if they died in a car accident on the way to wherever they were going, did I say everything I ever wanted to say to them. I mean, maybe you should say those things all the time, but I normally don't even think about it until the wee hours of the morning and no one would want me calling at that time. Especially, I always feel that if you randomly tell people those things, they get concerned or worried and I don't want to worry people. Like I want to call my mother right now and tell her I love her more than anything, but I really don't want her to think I am going to kill myself or something like that, which is exactly what she will do. But it doesn't make my wanting to call her or anyone any less. And, this thought is really upsetting me, so we'll move away from that.

Back to the story. The previous paragraph was how I felt as I walked back to my room. Like I was seeing someone for the last time. And it was weird, because I hadn't seen anyone at all. Did I miss my suicidal thoughts and random stories? Goodness, I hope not, because then I would feel even crazier than I already do. What the fuck is wrong with me?

And I feel stupid writing this rant. Someone, somewhere is having a much harder life than I am and I should not be sitting here wallowing most likely in self-pity when someone somewhere is being beaten by their father or killed by a rapist. What right do I have to say my life sucks when so many people have it worse than I do? Why am I so fucking selfish? And, why should I be so upset over my friend admitting his feelings, when he is the one who technically got rejected? Is it because I feel like he had plenty of advance warning that I do not like to date? Is refusing to date selfish? I think so. But, should I say, "yes, I'll go out with you." just because I don't want to hurt people's feelings? I hate these situations. People always get hurt. There's no winning and I hate losing. And he is right. I am a bitch because I do not understand how he feels and I do not know how to avoid hurting him further. And I hate this. I hate watching my every word so carefully, but it seems like I do that everywhere now. And maybe it was a Freudian slip and I meant to say something like this all along. I don't even know anymore.

Last night made me want to update my myO, but I took nyquil to put myself to sleep because my head hurt from crying and thinking in circles. So I am doing it now. I had the day to think and analyze what went wrong and now I think this is something bigger. I've felt disconnected from the world for a while now. I never want to go anywhere anymore or do anything. I go to work, class, and sleep. Sometimes I eat, but I have no appetite anymore. And when I do eat, it has to be something bad for me because I want it to have lots of flavor. Something to ground me. My senses feel dull and my head feels like I have a tumor growing inside it. And, I don't know what to do.

A while ago, when I was upset about something else, one of my friends mentioned the student psychological services. And I would visit, but I feel like it would be on my record and that would somehow affect my future. That could be true. But I'm embarrassed as well. Because my problems aren't that bad. And, I'm sorry to whoever read to this point. There is no order, no sense in this sequence, just my thoughts, and those are going in circles.

All I know is I wish I had some of my old anxiety meds right now. Maybe it's time to get back on them.

~Lumi

P.S. Ken, if you read this, which you probably won't, I'm sorry I didn't virtually marry you that day in the chat room. I probably hurt your feelings very badly. And, while you may have forgotten, that silly thing stuck with me because I felt so guilty. I'm so sorry.

P.P.S. Roxie, if you read this, which you probably will, I'm sorry I turned off my phone. I hope you understand. I'm sorry for every time I ever made you upset. And, I want to call you and tell you I love you, but it is an obscene time, so I'll refrain. You are the best thing that ever happened in my life and I appreciate every precious moment I have spent with you and regret every moment I wasn't there for you.

P.P.P.S. Kevin, if you read this, which I am not sure you will. I am sorry I am never online anymore. I haven't been myself lately and I didn't want to come online and just rant at you. I hope you don't think I am avoiding you. I just don't want to talk to anyone that much anymore.

P.P.P.P.S. Van, I know I gave you the URL for this, so I don't know if you ever come here. I know I already called you and spoke to you, but it feels like it will never be enough because I can't give you what you really want. And I know you say you understand that I don't date, but when you called me over the summer after a few drinks and asked why I wouldn't go out with you, I realized it is still on your mind and it does still bother you. And, for that, I am sorry.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I apologize to anyone else who reads this that I might have ever hurt. I also apologize that you had to read it. It barely makes sense. I am just a whiny bitch with minor problems and horrible coping mechanisms. I apologize for your suffering as you read this.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. (<----that looks so ridiculous) I am not going to kill myself anytime in the near future, so anyone considering calling a psyche team to my present location, please reconsider quickly. This is not a suicide note or anything of the sort. I would put that on paper, not on the internet.
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Friday, December 14, 2007

Happy Holidays
Well, once again it's been a long time. I just updated my style for the holiday. Hope you like it.

Anyway, I'm in college now, which is kind of cool.I am attending Fairleigh Dickinson University in Teaneck, New Jersey. It's not actually very far from home, but I really wanted to live on campus, so that is what I am doing. I am actually in the Honors Program so I get to stay in a really nice dorm with a kitchen and everything. It's fun to cook my own food once in a while. And, it's really nice when I get back from work late and I don't have to worry about the fact that the cafeteria is not open and starving and all that jazz. I know I could just stock up on yogurt or something, but that gets boring. If I wanted ramen and I didn't have a kitchen that would be hard too because you can't have those little water heating pots in the rooms. Mmmm ramen... I actually just made French toast for myself and one of my suitemates. Deliciousness...

Anyway, some of my classes were really annoying. I'm a graphic design major and the only class I have taken that has been remotely related to my major was Development of Art (Art History). All my other classes have been core. It's really annoying when you have to take a math class that basically teaches what you learned back in fifth grade. I actually stopped attending the class and just read his powerpoints online to get an idea of what the tests were going to be on. It's a good thing that this is my only math requirement. One more class that easy and stupid and I may have to shove a pencil up my nose. O_o;;; Other than that, the teacher is actually really cool. He doesn't care if you do the homework or if you don't go to the class. He just wants everyone to pass the class and move on. He even said the knows that the class is pointless. I've aced all of his tests, so I'm not worried.

I'll finish my update tomorrow.

~Lumi ^_^
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Thursday, May 3, 2007

   And All Good Things Must Come to an End
Well, it's over. It's finally over. Academic Decathlon National Finals were wrapped up this past weekend. Thus, I now have nothing to do with my life. Maybe I could keep studying about China, but what's the point?

Of course, when I have a really good time, I fall into a depression immediately afterwards. I feel as though I will never have fun again. I look back on everything we did and realize that I might never see these people again after this year. And like I look back on memories with my dad, when I remember how we laughed and enjoyed life, I will find myself crying. Because all I will have is memories. Memories of laughter, of fun. I won't have the opportunity to make new memories. Even with that thought I am already in tears and I feel so selfish for that.

I can't help but wish for more. I'm disappointed with my scores at the competition, but that was covered with the sheer joy I had with the group of nine wonderful people I found myself surrounded with. It was like having a family again.

It's terrible to think that I barely consider the people I actually live with family, but I feel that we are so distant now. I may seem like a loner, but I like when my family is around. I like knowing that someone is nearby if I need them. At the end of this year, I leave for college. I know I am not going far, but my mother and sister are moving to the opposite side of the country. That's 3000 miles between us. I wonder now if they might forget about me. I wonder if I will lose those memories of laughter that always make me cry. I barely keep in touch with my father, but I miss the way we used to joke, to laugh, to live life as it came at us. I look back on those memories, the few I remember and all I do is cry.

I wonder if those friends might do the same. Forget about how much fun we had and how close we became. I do not mean to say they are people who won't talk to me because I am not in the same social circle. I mean to say, will they continue their lives and make newer and greater memories that will cast these in shadow? Will we meet again at a reunion and not know each other anymore?

I want to live in the present. Isn't that a ridiculous desire? I find myself caught between past and future. The present is obscured to me. I am being forced to make choices that I do not feel ready for. I dwell on the past in hopes that I do not forget what few good experiences I have. I fear that my future will not have anymore fun and interesting experiences. I do not know what I want to do with my life. What is that saying? "Live in the here and now"? Why do I feel as though I am not given any opportunity to do so?

Isn't it funny that it takes something as simple as an extracurricular ending to get me to really feel and notice the depression that has been dormant right below the surface. I suppose it's always been there, waiting for the opportunity to strike again. And I find myself angry and embarrassed. Angry at myself. At how weak and selfish I am. Embarrassed that I can't stop the tears and the hurt. That I can't bring myself to talk to people. That I leave these long messages in an online journal because I can't say it any other way. That I need this release or I'll do something crazy. That my keyboard is splattered with the tears and pain that I can't voice on my own.

I'm going to forget them. I know it now. I can't remember anything prior to eleven years of age. I can't remember how my brother and I used to be best friends. How my sister used to pull my hair. How my mother worked such long hours in our basement office. How my father used to cook our dinner and teach me to read. My mind is blank. I know only the stories my family tells. My imagination has to fill in what everything must have looked like. It's almost like writing a story, creating memories like paragraphs of my life. I can't stand that I must rely on others to tell me what it used to be like. They say don't dwell on the past, but I want to know I have a past. That maybe I had a happy seventh birthday. That maybe life was not as disappointing as it is now. I want happy memories to fall back on in times of sorrow. To remember what life as a child was like. I want that memory of innocence even if I am no longer innocent.

All I feel I am saying is "I want..." and I feel selfish for it. Where do I get the right to say that? I am not less fortunate. I have a roof over my head, even if it does not feel like a "home". I have a mostly complete family. I have a job and I am getting an education. I don't have the right to complain. I really don't.

I don't even know what I want to say anymore. It is impossible to express what I am feeling inside. But it mostly comes down to one thing. Even if I do not connect with my family like I should or spend lots of time with my few good friends, I don't want them to leave and forget.

I don't want to be abandoned.

I don't want to be forgotten.

But most of all, I don't want to be alone.

~Lumi

Current Mood: See above
Current Music: "Gorecki" by Lamb
Quote:
"Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!" - Oscar Wilde
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Monday, August 21, 2006

HIYA!!!!!!!
Hello all. I kinow that it has been quite a while since I last posted. I have been a little busy. I have probably had plently opportunities to post, but I have been a little distracted. How has everyone been? Anything interesting happen while I was away? I missed you all! ^_^

Well, exams went well. I did very well on most of them. I got a 95 on the Precalculus one. When I was taking it, I said to myself to take my time and concentrate on each question individually. I had two hours to do it. It was like 80 multiple choice questions. I finished in about 40 minutes. I was the only one done. I thought maybe I had done something wrong and I went to look back over my answers. I only changed two. Someone else finished in about an hour. I had nothing to do for an hour and twenty minutes. Kinda sucked, but I did well so that is what counts.

The other exams weren't so bad. The one I did the worst on was the French exam. Somehow the oral part of the exam got lost on the tape I had. I did terrible on that part, so I didn't even want to bother to do it again. I misinterpreted at least two of the 6 questions. It really sucked. Overall, I got a 71, a C-. I am not going to take another year of French. I can't stand the teacher and my own inability to follow what she is saying during class. I did terrible in the class this past year. I also wanted to fit band and fashions into my schedule so I dropped it to make them fit.

I have a different lunch period everyday next year. I have period 4 lunch on A days and period 6 lunch on B days. Sounds like fun.

Today was my dad's birthday. I called hima and wished him a very happy birthday. We had a nice long conversation. My sister and my mom both forgot to call so I had to remind them. It was nice talking to him again. ^_^

Since my last post, I went to an anime convention. I went to AnimeNext in Secaucus, NJ. I drove there each day. We went as a group. We were the players from the soccer team in the manga "Whistle!". I cut my hair to look like Shigeki's. Everyone loved the style and most didn't know it was anime inspired.

I had loads of fun at AnimeNext. I even brought my sister along. She was kinda bored, but she still had fun.

Anyway, tonight is the first night of overnight shifts at Staples. I am working from 10pm to 6am. Lots of fun though. I have to get going soon for those actually. I also start soccer practice on Tuesday. 7:30pm to 9:30pm. So I go from work to bed to soccer to work. Lots of more fun.

I recently got interested in a manga called "PRince fo Tennis". Anyone else like this one? I love it. Absolutely awesome. ^_^ Everyone should read it.

Anyway, gotta get ready for work. Once again, I'll try to keep up with this. Love to all! ^-^

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Pleasant
Current Music: "Here It Goes Again" by Ok Go
Quote: "Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?” - Dr. Gregory House
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

   I suck at keeping up
I really do. The last time I posted was in April. I sometimes forget I have a myOtaku. I also haven't been to the boards in about forever. I love having an online journal, but I barely post in it. >sighs<

Anyway...been reading alot of manga lately. I recently picked up the first volume of "Kill Me, Kiss Me". It's actually a manwha, but it's really good anyway. I had read about half of the first volume at Anime Next last year and I really liked the story. For those of you who don't know the series, it's about a tomboy named Tae. She absolutely adores this male model named Kun. She learns that her cousin, Jung-Woo, goes to the same all boys academy as Kun. Due to her boyish looks and his rather feminine looks, Tae convinces Jung-Woo to switch places with her for a week. Jung-Woo and Tae are identical cousins (that's possible in manga and manwha). And the story goes from there.

It's actually a romantic comedy, and I'm not normally into either of those genres, but I couldn't put it down.

I have read some others, but they were mostly continuations of series I already own, and I have a lot so I'm not gonna list them now. Maybe another day.

Other than manga, there's been work, school, etc. All that boring stuff.

I did manage to get my license finally. It only took one fail and on the second try I got it. I also bought my own car. Paid in full for by yours truly. It's a 1989 Oldsmobile Eighty Eight Royale. It has a dark grey exterior and a red velvet interior. Alot of people want to borrow it for dates. I'm glad I can finally drive.

Speaking of driving. My one goal about getting my license was that I had to have it before June 15th. Why? Because I want to be able to drive myself to Anime Next. That's coming up on June 16-18. I am very excited. I'm going with a group of six others. We are cosplaying as the Josui Junior High soccer team from "Whistle!". We are still owrking on the uniforms, but we're all really excited.

Unfortunately, the entire group in only going to be there one day, Saturday. I'll be there all three days, but not everyone else can be there all three. But, oh well, can't win at everything, now can you?

Nothing else really new, though.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Pleasant
Current Music: Academic Decathlon 2006-2007 curriculum music from China
Quote: "The rest of the world loves soccer. Surely we must be missing something. Uh, isn't that what the Russians told us about communism? There's a good reason why you don't care about soccer - it's because you are an American and hating soccer is more American than mom's apple pie, driving a pick-up and spending Saturday afternoon channel-surfing with the remote control." - Tom Weir
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You represent... hope. You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't mind being alone at times. You have goals, and know what you want in life... even if they are a little far fetched. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla

You are orange. You are emotional. Outside, you are bitter and stubborn, inside you are hopeful, hoping someone will come save you from the bitterness of your own mind. You constantly feel the need to prove yourself, and you look up to those who can make thier dreams happen. You are broken, but not beyond repair like maroon. What inner color are you?

Green Tea... You are Green Tea! Strong and very smart you prefer peace to violence and very rarely take action if it involves confrontation. But you make up for this with your keen insight and understanding of the world and people around you, you have a very mysterious nature. Many people see you as laid back and that may be true but you are very intelligent and make good decisions. What type of Tea are you? {-With Anime Pictures!-} brought to you by Quizilla