Thursday, April 6, 2006

   Soccer
Been a long time, my friends...

Well, we won both the regional and state competitions for Academic Decathlon. At regionals, I won an alternate Silver Medal in anatomy. Which, by the way, I never studied for. And, at states, I won an alternate Honorable Mention in Super Quiz, Renaissance history, and an alternate Gold Medal in Language and Literature. I worked really hard for the gold, so I was happy I won something. The regular players are going to San Antonio, TX for the national competition. I get to stay home.

I got a D or worse in U.S. History last marking period. Sucks... I just can't seem to concentrate anymore. I get distracted easily.

Then there is soccer. I had decided to join the recreation soccer team this year. But, I found out the cut off date for the earliest birth date is 8/1/1988. I was born 6/22/88. I am a month and eight days too old.

I was really upset about this. I asked one of my friends to ask her dad who was a coach if there was any way I could play. He said no.

I know I suck at soccer. I know I am overweight and that drains stamina. I know that Iwould never make it on a team I had to try out for. But I love soccer. I always see it on TV or read it in books and I wish I was the one otu there kicking the ball. It's so stupid and childish, but I want to play so badly it hurts to think I may not have the opprtunity.

I decided to petition against the date barrier. I wrote to the Soccer Commissioner. I doubt he will say yes, but I tried. Here is my letter:
~~~~
Dear Mr. Gysbers,

My name is Rachel. As of now, I am a junior at Indian Hills High School. I was looking forward to rejoining the Oakland Recreation Soccer Program this upcoming season. On the notice, it states that to be eligible for Division 2, my date of birth would have to fall between 8/1/1988 and 7/31/1992. My birth date is June 22, 1988.

I have decided to appeal to the Oakland Recreation Soccer Program on this case. I was informed by Mr. Jacobsen that I would not be allowed to play because I am too old. And I had to wonder, is a month and eight days really much older? I will also still be in high school next year. Why should everyone else in my grade be able to play, and not me?

Of all the recreation sports, soccer has always been my favorite, but it was also one of the only ones to base the divisions off of age, as opposed to grade. When I played a long time ago, every other year I would be placed on a team of girls I did not know because they were a grade above me. I hardly ever had the chance to play soccer with my peers and the season was too short to establish steady friendships with the girls I had never met before. This was actually the reason I quit soccer. Soccer is a team sport, but how can a player function if he/she with unfamiliar people?

I have long regretted my decision to quit because it was the only sport I truly enjoyed and I missed it thoroughly. I had planned to play again in middle school for Valley Middle School’s team, but I did not make it through tryouts because I am a rather average player and I had not played in a while. I decided to try again in high school. I watched the first day of tryouts. They wanted the players to juggle, sprint, and play in a mini-game. I was not worried about the mini-game, but I had never learned how to juggle a ball and I am not a fast runner. The girls’ soccer team also had to make cuts. I did not try out in the end.

I thought to go for recreation soccer in my sophomore year, but I had recently been employed at Staples in Oakland. My mother’s business was doing poorly and I was soon making more income than her despite the fact I was only a part-time worker. My mother asked if I could help with expenses in the house. To help out, I worked almost everyday after school of my sophomore year. I did not have time to join the soccer team and my family needed help. A friend of mine asked me to join for my junior year, but my mother was making zero salary at the time and searching for a new job. I missed the signup date by many months before my mother had decided to go into real estate.

This year, my family is still rather financially unstable. I also realized that my senior year was my last year to play soccer before college. I have already decided to work less at Staples and enjoy my final year. I was hoping to play soccer one more time before college. I have lost all my other chances, whether by my own fault or unfortunate circumstances. I have emailed multiple college coaches at schools I was considering, but many of the schools either do not have a soccer program or are looking for players who played on their high school team. I cannot choose my college based solely upon whether they have a soccer team I can join or not.

So, this is my request: Can the Oakland Recreation Soccer Program make an exception for one month and eight days? Can I play soccer in this upcoming season?

Sincerely,
Rachel
~~~~
I am praying he will say yes, but I am already depressed about the no from Mr. Jacobsen. I feel stupid for being so worked up over this, but I feel it is important to me.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: None
Quote: "The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does." ~ Phil Woosnam
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Monday, January 2, 2006

   School Sucks
I know we have all heard this many times before, but I have to say it again and again: SCHOOL SUCKS! I have almost finished the day, but already I want to die from boredom and annoyance. Stress is terrible. I gave myself two bloody noses at work on thursday because of it. There is just so much to do and not enough time to do it all. Hopefully, my ridiculously easy English class isn't too bad.

I have a 48 in US History now. Went up from the 23. I'm almost at an F. I hope I do really well on my research paper. That should bring my grade up a few points. When you have such a low grade, you can only go up. The worst part is how I put off all the work I have to make up. I mean I worked alot over break, but I still feel like I should have finished something. I finished reading a bunch of things, but that was it. Most of it I didn't even understand. Historical opinions on progressivism, Open Door in China, Teddy Roosevelt policies. I hate having two years of US History. It should really only be one. World History should span two years if you ask me. There is only about three hundred years of US History, but thousands of years in the world. US History should not be spanned out over two years.

Now that I am done with my rant about US History. I have failed yet another French test. I have yet to get higher than a D- on any of my tests. I am failing the class and I wish there was some way I could drop it. It's disappointing that I have to fail it over and over for the rest of the year. The guidance office won't let me switch out at all. Maybe it will be easier next year, but if I can't grasp it now, how will I do it next year? I decided not to participate in the exchange program because I am afraid I would go to France and not know enough French to be able to understand the people I am staying with. That is what I would be really afraid of. I would be kind of stranded in France then. Maybe next year I will try again.

So, yeah, school sucks. I can feel a nervous breakdown caused by school just around the corner. I wish there was a way for me to not be here.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Stressed
Current Music: "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance
Quote: "We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through." - Peter de Vries
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Sunday, January 1, 2006

   Happy Holidays
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

HAPPY HANAKUH!!!!!

HAPPY KWANZA!!!!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAHANAKWANZAKUH!!!!!

HAPPY ANYTHING I MISSED!!!!!

I hope that covers everyone. I did mean to post before the holidays, but I was really busy. I ended up working everyday over the break. The only days I had off were Christmas and New Years day, but those were Sundays, so I would have had off anyway. SO basically, no time off. Two people in the department I work in decided to ask off at the same time, so I had to cover for them. Lots of fun.

I got a PSP for Christmas. It was the only thing on my list, so I wasn't sure if I was going to get anything I asked for. My mom got the PSP though, so I am very happy. I am going to get two games. I have one already. Tokobots. Crazy game where you play as an angent named Bolt, and your job is to search the ruins of an ancient civilization with extremely advanced technology. To help you with this you have these little robots that were discovered in the ruins. They are the Tokobots. They can change formation and group to form different things like a crane or a bridge. It's really cute. I'm not very far, but I like it. I also plan on getting Wipeout Pure. Has anyone played this? I don't know how good it is.

Tomorrow we start school again. Because I worked almost everyday, I got virtually no make up work done. I'm so screwed. Hopefully I can finish it all before the end of the marking period.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Bored
Current Music: "Shiki no Uta" by Minmi (American ending theme from Samurai Champloo)
Quote: "It's not your aptitude, but your atitude, that determines your altitude." - Zig Ziglar
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Back From the Dead
Well, I'm back. What more is there to say?

Let's see...work is going alright. We have a new manager named Jim. When I first walked in, from far away, he looked exactly like one of my friends, Pete. I actually thought he was Pete for a second. Upon closer inspection, no, he wasn't Pete. He was definitely Jim. Alas, Jen, fun-loving and eccentric, left for another store. It was sad because I didn't get to go to her going-away party. I was in Florida at the time. I'll miss Jen. >tear<

I have actually been out of school since last tuesday. I went home sick during my ten o'clock lunch period. My head was pounding, my throat burning, and I couldn't breathe out of my nose. I felt terrible. I went to the doctor's on Wednesday and found out I had a sinus infection. I stayed home on Thursday as well. Earlier in the school year, my mom planned a vacation for this past weekend. On Thursday afternoon, we would leave school early and go to Florida. Taking Friday and Monday off, we had about four days to spend in Florida. We actually had a snow day on Friday, so my mother said we could stay home today to take off two days officially. So, I have been out of school for about a week. My sinus infection cleared up in Florida, but now that I am home, my nose has already stuffed up again and my throat hurts. No fun.

Since I don't really like Florida, I didn't really look forward to the trip. But, lucky for me, there is a bookstore and a movie theater right across the street from our condo. I saw "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" and "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". I actually saw Narnia twice. Once by myself and once with my mother. I saw Harry Potter with my sister. I enjoyed both movies very much, but I do have my complaints about both since I read the books first. I'm not going to post them all in here because someone who hasn't seen the movie might be mad. Though my biggest complaint is there was no Bill, Charlie, or Percy Weasley in the movie at all.

After I saw the movie, I started reading Harry Potter fanfiction again. Mainly centered around...Percy Weasley. I think I am the only person on the face of this planet that thought Percy was a really cool character. Now at the sixth book, he has been elevated to my top five favorite chracter list. Goodness only knows why I think he is such a cool character. Fred and George Weasley are in the number one spot in case you were wondering. Followed by: Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Bill Weasley, and Percy Weasley. Odd list. O_o

Anyway, in case I forget to post before the holidays:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!!!!!

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Pleasant
Current Music: "Cruel Angel Thesis" from Neon Genesis Evangelion
Quote: "Study the past if you would define the future." - Confucius
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Monday, November 14, 2005

Hmm
I think if I feel like angrily typing anymore, I should do it in a word document as opposed to myO.

Anyway, Drama production of "Auntie Mame" is this week. I have control over the sound effects. Fun stuff. The only problem is I need a computer for this to work really well, but the school won't loan us one. Bastards...>_<
Drama hasn't been as much fun this year because we have to do a joint production with another school and going back and forth between the schools is terribly annoying.

If I hadn't failed my driving test, life would be easier. But alas, I did fail, and I cannot drive myself between the two high schools. I really do wonder how long it would take to walk from my house to the other school. My mom has told me to walk on more than one occasion (>_<). I should try it one day. I'll probably die halfway there, but whatever.

Academic Decathlon this year sucks. I don't even know if I want to stay on the team anymore. Work sucks lately. I made a huge mistake yesterday. I wasted about 8 reams of paper. My supervisor is pissed. I don't think I want to go back. Maybe I'll get fired... Too bad I can't collect unemployment.

I'll post again later.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Moderately happy
Current Music: Chrono Cross Mix
Quote:
"And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of."
- William Shakespeare
Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, October 8, 2005

Wrong
You ever get that feeling that everything is just going wrong and you can't do anything about it? Well, I have that now and no one seems to want to talk. It seems so petty and annoying that I am so annoyed by everything that is going on around me. I shouldn't even be complaining. They're all such simple things.

Maybe it's kind of like music. Begins soft...soft, low long, droning notes. The the crescendo. A build up in noise and notes. It can become obscenely loud.Life feels like that. A tone slowly crescendoing to blast out my ears. No matter what I do I can't stop it. We were talking about no win situations in life and I had the irresistable urge to raise my hand and say "My life." I would half expect my classmates to laugh and my teacher to not take me seriously.

By the way, this is not PMS. I had that last week.

I hate all but two of my classes. I like lunch and wind ensemble, everything else is going horribly wrong. My mother doesn't understand me, the bank cheated me $155.08, my dad won't tell me his address, my brother wants to join the marines, I have no artistic talent, my cat keeps jumping on the keyboard, my grades are dropping, I did badly on my test in bio, I failed my in class essay in English, I disappoint my manager at work, I haven't gotten my raise though I have worked over a year, my pre-calc book is falling to pieces, and so is my life.

Everyone would say, "Talk to someone." I don't really want to. I just want to stop. I go to bed at night, curl up under my blanket and wish I could stay there forever. Sometimes I'll pull the blanket over my head, and feel so at peace by that warmth of realizing I am completely alone. My whole little world is centered around being under that blanket. And I wish I never had to leave that world underneath my blanket. Under that blanket is my void. My little piece of space. IT's not here or there or anywhere. It is complete nothingness. Inside there, I don't have to acknowledge the fact that my pre-calc homework is serving as my pillow. I can't see it. I wish life was like hiding under a blanket. I almost want to cry in the morning.

Sad? Pathetic? A little bit of both?

What's so wrong with wishing you didn't have to live your life anymore, huh? I mean, I hate my life. I hate myself. I am a rotten, cold-hearted, ignorant, apathetic, conniving, greedy, shrewd, rude, dumb, ruined individual. I see no point in living a life of sheer misery. Sure, there were good moments in the past, but I look back at them and cry. I cry for the father I don't have anymore. I cry for the fun that will die. I cry for the laughter that ceased to ring. I cry for a future with no hope.

I find that I feel I have no really strong attachments to anything anymore. Not to my mother, not to my father, not to my brothers, not to my sister, not to my cat, aunts, uncles, grandparents, work, school, home, life.

I find that my worst problem is finding a reason. A reason why I am sad, angry, hurt...A reason why my father won't talk to me...A reason why I am always angry at my mother...A reason to live...My life is a complete lack of reason and that bothers me. I stopped looking for a reason a while ago. Now I feel like I go through life in a complete state of not-quite-thereness. Life is passing me by, but I can't find a reason to join with the passers.

Have you ever had a moment where all you wanted to do was be alone, but at the same time, you don't? But when I am finally alone, I want to cry, and there is no one there to comfort me. I can't think of many times when someone has been there. I can muffle my sobs in a pillow and no one knows the difference. No one suspects the red-rimmed eyes to be that I was crying. No one asks why my eyes are always watering up. No one seems to realize, day in and day out, I am about to cry. Maybe I should just burst into tears one day. Let's see what happens. Will anyone care? I hate how I am one the phone with someone and crying and they don't know and I don't have the will to tell them. And that song I put on in the background on repeat over and over seems to give no hints. I feel like this:

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I have ever been before
I see the clock and it's ticking away, and the hourglass empty
What the F***do I have to say?

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

Keep it inside
The image portrayed
As if I couldnt stand losing
As if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession
I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away
From the people I really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured out 'cause we had everything covered
Now we're older it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us,
What the F*** are we going to be?

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

So lost, I'm just as lost as you
Oh well
What am I going to do
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away (from where I want to be)

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
--------------------------------------
I'll stop my rant now.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Trapped
Current Music: "Still Frame" by Trapt
Quote: "Whoever said that anything is possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door." - Anonymous
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Monday, August 29, 2005

Dropped out of sight
I am always coming onto myO to check the last date I posted, and then I get ready to post, and then...nothing... I think for the past few weeks (excluding Otakon), I have just dropped out of sight of the whole world. The only people who ever see me are my coworkers. My mother even complained that she never sees me. I've only really kept in touch with two people, on the phone, late at night. My schedule has been pretty much the same everyday. Go to bed really late and then sleep 'til it's about time to go to work. Come home, talk on the phone til really late then go to bed...etc. I watch Adult Swim on Saturday night and that is really the only difference. I have no actual life really.

I've been doing quite a bit of reading. Rereading books I loved. But...I can't ever seem to focus on it anymore. My mind wanders alot...I keep stopping while I have been typing this post. A lot of times I find myself just staring in a random direction, thinking about nothing, or a whole lot of things. I'm confused by my own thoughts too. They're so jumbled, I sometimes think my head is like a game of Boggle. I barely know what I am trying to type. Maybe I should start timing myself to see how long it takes me to finish this post. It's 12:38am right now.

I think I'm jumping topics right now, so I'll hop into Otakon. Otakon Baltimore, the most reverred east coast anime convention. I went, I saw, I left. Pretty simple. It wasn't very exciting to me. There were 22,000 people there. Too many people. I felt claustrophobic the whole time. The highlight of the trip was getting to see Howl's Moving Castle. It was a good movie. I went to a few panel, but the sheer amount of people that showed up to them created a lot of disorganization and sometimes, general chaos. The dealer's room was okay, but there was a lot of the same stuff. If anyone is interested, here's a list of things I ended up buying:

Heat Guy J vol. 1-7 (DVDs)
.hack// Legend of the Twilight Bracelet wallscroll
Final Fantasy X wallscroll
Fruits Basket wallscroll
Gothic Lolita pattern book
Saiyuki Reload vol. 1 (manga)
Angel Sanctuary artbook
$10 Grab bag which contained some random things. 2 out of 4 were really cute things.
Lace collar with a bell on it

I also bought Big O:II for one of my friends. And a Gothic Lolita pattern book for Roxie.

As for dropping out of sight...I guess I have conflicting feelings. I kinda want to be left alone, but I am already lonely. It's kinda strange and hard to explain. And, lately, I've had this really detached feeling. Like I'm never really here, but I am...my fingers are typing this message after all. I guess mentally I keep losing myself. I just go completely blank sometimes. Like the only thing that exists is the direction I am randomly staring in. And I can't even focus on that. I don't think I am making any sense and I keep losing my train of thought, so I'm going to end my post here.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Detached and unfocused
Current Music: "Cloud Age Symphony" from Last Exile
Quote: "All that you see or seem, is but a dream within a dream. They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allan Poe.
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Monday, May 23, 2005

Hi all
I feel bad about leaving such gaps in between the times I post. I guess whenever I start a post I don't get to finish because I make my posts so damned long. Note to self, never start one in study hall.

Well, I have been stuck in a depression since the last time I posted. It seems more like a seamless void of unhappiness. The kind where you really can't climb out unless someone throws you down a rope to climb. But, the rope-bearer is missing. I sometimes just feel like I will never get out. It's hopeless and so am I.

And the worst part is that I find I have no real reason to be down. My grades are fine. Sure, my friend situation hasn't improved, but I'm ok with a lack of friends that I can really talk to. Work is fine. I have no problems with my mom and other family right now. Yet, I feel like everything is wrong. It's odd that nothing "is" wrong, but everything "feels" wrong. What I want most is to tell someone, anyone outside my family of one of my deepest secrets because its bothering me. I have nightmares; I haven't slept well in days. I almost had a nervous breakdown the other day because of it. I'm a wreck, but I don't think anyone has really noticed. I have told one person, but I haven't really spoken to them in depth in a long time. I feel not only bothered, but alone. So alone. I may be standing in a crowd of people I would like to consider friends, but I feel like I am buried twenty feet under them and not even the worms visit me. And I want to cry, I really do, but my eyes just stay dry. I think I have hit the bottom of the pit.

The worst thing happened to me in yoga today. I really hate visualization. The teacher says, I quote, "Close your eyes and imagine your self in a place that is quiet and serene. Imagine yourself in a place that is completely peaceful." I thought of the beach first. But then I thought about how I don't like sand. So the next thing that popped in my head was death. What could be more peaceful than no longer living? I almost groaned in frustration but yoga is a quiet class. I thought I was over this, I really did. But right now, suicide or some spontaneous accident is looking really good. My arms were itchy for the rest of the day after that.

What I really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them tell me it's ok, even if they are lying. I wouldn't mind if someone lied for the sake of my fast receding sanity. I need to let it out. I need something to hold onto. Not only that, I need something that will hold onto me, I wouldn't feel very alone then. Knowing that what I am holding onto is someone who will support me and care for me like I haven't had since I was very little would make me happy. I want to stop the stress, and the loneliness, and the unhappiness. I just don't seem to have much help though. I need a friend really badly right now, and I don't have one. And, I know I am being selfish, wanting to dump my problems on others, but I can't help it right now.

I just want to be held.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Music: The Freshman by Verve Pipe
Quote: "Ennui has made more gamblers than avarice, more drunkards than thirst, and perhaps as many suicides as despair." - Buddha

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."" - Bill Maher quotes
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Actually...
I figured it out. I was at the diner today with some friends because I had no where else to go after I gave the drama club an RCA cable. So I was there with two of my friends. At first it was the three of us, talking, eating, drinking, and the other two smoking. Then, another person showed who knew one of my friends and asked where someone else was. Then a girl who is really good friends with my other friend at the table came. So there were now five of us. I suddenly felt really alone. When they were talking, I would try to say something but no one would listen. They were having a great time. Then, one of the original two with me gets a call to go pick up another kid, so he leaves. So back down to four. The other three were having a wonderful conversation. I did finally get some points in, but not much. Before my friend returns with the kid who called him, another of my friends showed up. So back to five. Then he comes back and we have seven people. I think I stopped talking about then. I gave up. I tried to say something, but no one listened.

So, instead, I started thinking. I realized that what I had been feeling was that I felt felt I didn't belong. I felt so out of place. With people, or some of them, who I thought were my friends. I think half the people at that table didn't really know or like me. I felt really out of place in the diner. And, I realize I feel like that everywhere. I mean, as of right now, I don't really have any good friends. I would like to think I do, but I feel so out of place even around them. When I was still friends with Amber and Michelle, I always felt that I had at least one place I belonged, with them. It was so simple. We were such good friends, everything could be that simple. But now, I realize I don't have any friends. I have acquaitences. Roxie may be my only friend, but we don't even talk much, and that is my fault. I feel that my effort in trying to make friends just isn't working. I will probably leave high school with no real friends. Sad, huh? It could be my own fault. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. But who would want to be friends with me? I'm whiny, annoying, obnoxious, fat, ugly, weird, and boring. I wouldn't even want to be my own friend. I feel sorry for Michelle and Amber, I guess. They put up with me for so long. How on earth did they do it?

A man once asked me if I was homeless. He was kidding, referring to the fact that I carried so much to and from school. But instead of laughing or denying it or even agreeing, I went silent. I thought about it. I still think about it today. And, I thought to myself, have I ever really had a home? Where is home? Many say it is where the heart is. But, I have never really let my heart lay somewhere or with someone. Amber, Michelle and Roxie were the closest to home I ever came, but that did not last. With my family? I don't think so. I don't really get along with any of the people that live with me. My house? The only part of my house I would consider home, is the room I am sitting in now. My midget room. A crawl space turned into study. But, it would not be home if my kitty was not in here sleeping on my lap right now. I guess, if we were to look at the literal sense of a home, yes, I live in a house. But figurative, the part most important to me, no, I don't have a home. Not anymore.

I really have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, nothing to hold onto, no shoulder to cry on. And I ask myself day in and day out, "Why am I still here?"

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Resigned
Current Music: "The Execution" from the Braveheart Soundtrack
Quote: "For after all, the best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Long time no post
Sorry I haven't really been posting. It's not that I have been busy. I guess I have just had other things on my mind. Sorry.

Lately I have been kind of distracted. I feel down, but I don't really know why. I feel left behind. I guess that is how I should say it. Like I have stopped, but the world is still moving right past me and pushing me if I get in the way. Like the school halls. I don't know why I feel like this, I just do. And the worst part is that I don't feel like I have a right to feel this way. Maybe it's because I haven't taken my anti-depressants in a few weeks. My mom doesn't know I stopped, but I did because she said that I could go without them and we would save money on doctor visits. I feel quiet and disheartened. Like unnaturally quiet. If I didn't have to, I probably wouldn't speak at school. I'm mad at myself because I have gained weight and I can't seem to get rid of it. My mom is mad because I have gained weight. I don't know why she is. She must feel thin now or something. I really feel like I am having a bad day, but, I really can't say that because nothing bad has happened. Maybe I am just being a baby. I have no reason to be down. I got a 100/100 on my mystery shop at work, our school musical is in two weeks, we just started a new marking period so I have good grades, my cat hasn't died, I haven't lost any friends. So, I don't know why I feel so down, but I do. My frown feels deeper and I zone out for no reason alot now. I feel like I'm not even really here. Like I am floating ten feet away watching the shell of myself go about its daily routine. Kind of like an out of body experience, but I don't really like it. I don't want to feel sad, but I do and I can't stop but the feel of it.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: None, I'm at school.
Quote: "He's gotta be the tragic figure standing in the rain, mourning the loss of his beloved. So down comes the rain, right on cue." - Mervyn Pumpkinhead, Neil Gaiman's The Sandman
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